Just came back from the session. It was very powerful and yet I think that it is all but over. Connections were made (yet again) about how W. has been unclear about her needs in the relshp--therapist linked to some childhood pieces for her re: trusting and allowing herself to be more fully known vs. holding in some things. W. agreed with these points, but wondered if she "has already left long ago". She wants to be free but also said I wasn't restricting her in any way. There were a number of key moments in the MC today, but in the end, I think her decision has long ago been made. Even the MC said at the end she thought it would be very sad if W. did not risk giving the relationship a chance to see if it (and I) could respond to her needs.
W. going away this weekend for two weeks. Another session has been booked for the week after she gets back. I said it seemed like quite a ways to wait; MC said she thinks a little space would be what is needed right now.
As we went to the car, W. asked if I preferred her to take the bus home. I said no, of course I would drive her to her car, 20 minutes away. We talked a little in the car. It was very hard. I was quite shutdown and she had some tears. I said, "do we really even need another session?" and she said "I don't know". She had some tears and then I apologized for putting her on the spot. We joked about a guy we saw who was weird looking in the waiting room. I said "see, I might not be that bad" and she said right away "You're easily in the top 90th percentile of guys". At the end, we hugged for a long time and I stroked her hair. She had tears, but I felt so frozen and numb. It felt like a goodbye hug. Another one.
She said she was overloaded right now, and I said "me too". I ended the hug gently first (that was something I've never done before). I desperately wanted to keep holding her. I couldn't say the word "goodbye". She said, "I'll talk to you later in the week" and I said "sure". I got in my car and we waved briefly as I drove off but I was definitely in waaaaay pull back mode by then.
I feel I said some important truths in the session and so many helpful things came up--a number of "aha" moments for both of us. I feel like--look at what we are gaining from just 3 sessions so far. Imagine what it would be like if we both were committed to working on things and had another 7-10 sessions!! But I didn't say it. It just feels too late. I told her in the car that I've not stood in her way if she wants to leave and I will not do so now. I said that I'm in no rush or on any kind of timeline on this, but that a certain level of engagement is needed for things to progress. Waiting just for waiting's sake with no other plan or engagement isn't likely to bring much movement about. I said that there is not much in it for me to be in a relationship with someone who feels trapped or doesn't want to be with me. (During the session I was clear as always that I wanted it to work out and am completely dedicated to doing whatever it takes to keep the relationship growing).
So, the "official" word of it being ended has not yet been said, but as far as I'm concerned, she might as well have said it today. I guess now that one of two scenarios will happen:
1. she will email me or call to say it's over, just before she leaves for her vacation. 2. she will do so upon her return.
Presently, I'm leaning toward #1. She leaves in about 4-5 days from now.
I feel resigned, desperation, agony, frustration, anger, and incredible heartache. What a terrible ending to know that someone loves you, thinks you are the best, doesn't want to be with you, never told you clearly about her concerns, tells you when "it's too late" and--worst of all of it--doesn't want to even try to make it work. And out of all this, somehow I still feel the failure.
