You guys are echoing my sentiments exactly. The overall vows seem to be just a tradition anymore. This world is fast paced and people do not need to put the effort into anything to make it better because supposedly, better can be had right around the corner.
It is important to stay focused and positive. It seems like you are making positve steps as far as the house and yourself. Puttering around the house sounds so nice. I long to just be able to relax and do nothing for a bit. The stress of worrying and thinking about this situation is tiring.
Oh, I would ignore most of what your H says. Especially now that he is upset at you for supposedly destrying the M. HA!! It takes two to make a M perfect. I would put all my faith and observation into his actions. Believe not what he says, but in what he does. More than likely he is feeling guilty and doubting his decision to do this. I deal with the same thing with my WAW.
Stay positive. It is not all your fault. Some blame has to be shouldered by each half. Smile. Think of fun things to do. Things that are your guilty little pleasures. Watch stupid geeky movies that you enjoy. Anything. I would recommend pampering yourself a little. Something to make you relax a bit more.
Ken Me: 37 Her: 38 Son: 8 (spina bifida) Son:2 M 6/24/1994 S 1/21/2008 Original Sitch
addie, you are so right!!! I'm having such a hard time. He is supposed to be with me!!! I'm having a rough afternoon, sorry to vent on you. I keep praying for him. I believe my H was about to join the church in June of last year but I think it scared him & then he went on this trip & met the OW. I'm sure by the time he comes to get his things there will not be much change & I know I have to face the possibility that he won't ever come back to me. I shouldn't want him back the way he has done but I felt like he was God sent to me & we were meant to be together.
Yes, he did blame me for "bailing out of our M" because I didn't go back to work full time when he thought I should. He never said he wanted me to work full time. I planned on starting a business & working from home & he was all excited about it just December 2006. And, he was jealous because our older dog had been really sick & not eating very well, to get her to eat I had to hand feed her for a while. He said that was part of the problem too. Childish??? Anyway, I thought everything was fine regarding work. And it was until the scuba trip.
Don't expect a change that soon, give him time. Watched pot doesn't boil!
And the best response to his accusations is this: I'm sorry that you feel that way. Remember, it's not about you! WAS turn into guilt trippers because they need to validate what they've done to LBS.
Hang in there!
I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders ____________________________________________________ M 46 H 45 D 17 M/T 23 Bomb #1 (ILYBNILWY) 12.06 Bomb #2 (OW) 12.07 Bomb #3 (chose OW over M) 9.08
nlt, I know what you're saying. From what I've read, sometimes A's happen even in happy M. In my sitch, things were going well for us the last 2+ years, better than throughout most of our M. That's why all this through me for a loop and I did not handle any of it well. Sometimes it's the timing, opportunity or temptation that presents itself and an EA/PA begins. But aboveall, it's about the WAS's unhappiness with self. Although your H blames you, he has done this to justify his actions. I heard similar things from my H - we're not compatible, he's never been happy with me, we shouldn't be together, I'm controlling, etc. etc. It hurt like hell at the time but I now realize it was all WAS spew.
You have to find things to keep you busy to get your mind off your sitch. Your H will most likely realize that OR is not what he really wants but there are no guarantees in any of this. Keep posting on here. People will respond.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
You guys are so wonderful, I'm so thankful I found DB & wish I had found it sooner!! I know what you mean & I heard all the same things you said your H said to you. One night he had me in tears at how he had been unhappy for years & all this other stuff, that I tried to mold him into something he was not & that he was not 1st in my life that the dogs, my church & my parents came before him (which is so not true!!). I realize now that it was H guilt talking but at the time it sure did hurt & still does to some degree. I said if he was so unhappy why did he buy me a 300.00 leather jacket & a SUV for Xmas 2006? Also, his wedding ring slipped off his finger & he didn't know it Nov. 2006, he was so devastated about loosing it & kept saying he wanted the same one back because I gave it to him on our special day, he was almost in tears. We looked everywhere for days & couldn't find it. I got him another one for Xmas 2006. Then all of this happened. Of course when I asked him about it he had to walk away & not say anything. When he was staying in the house with me for 5 months if we ever talked about the R he would have to leave or go to bed or something so he wouldn't have to talk about it. He was the one that usually brought it up too. After I found out about OW I would not bring it up & would only talk to him when he started it.
I still have cards that he gave me just a couple of years ago that said he could not imagine his life without me & he would marry me all over again & thanked me for being so good to him. And now he goes all crazy!! Someone told me once that a M in MLC was like someone being on cocaine. I think they are right! I hope he will come off his high soon! But I am trying to take care of myself & I did get a call today about a full time job, they cannot meet with me until after the end of March but at least it might be something good.
I will keep posting, I love to hear all the advice!!!!
Okay, I'm really depressed. I just keep hoping that things will turn around but it doesn't look like it. The court date for the D is April 8th, so I will be officially D on that date. I got a call from H today wanting to know some insurance info, I talked to him & he was at least a little nicer than he has been. He also sent me a check for utilities & his W2 so I can do the taxes but he didn't have a return address on the envelope. I guess he doesn't want me to know where he is living now. I keep praying that things will turn around & he will leave the OW. What do you guys think, is it possible he will come back to me??
What do you guys think, is it possible he will come back to me??
I, for one, firmly believe that it's possible!
D is a scary word but after all it's just a peace of paper.
You're still new at all this and it hurts terribly, I know, but you will get through. Give your H time. If you want him to wake up, let him sleep first. Read Cinder's list of happy endings, some amazing stories there and a great inspiration.
My H seems to have forgotten about our D17 completely! She doesn't know and I'm having hard time keeping the whole ugly thing away from her. I lie constantly - Dad called when you were not home, sends you love (yeah, right)- just to buy some time. She is about to take her IB exams and I want her to be able to concentrate on her studies. When he calls I put her on the phone without asking. It seems to work.
((nlt))
I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders ____________________________________________________ M 46 H 45 D 17 M/T 23 Bomb #1 (ILYBNILWY) 12.06 Bomb #2 (OW) 12.07 Bomb #3 (chose OW over M) 9.08
stella, thank you so much for the encouaging words! I sure hope he will come to his senses soon. I really miss him but I know he won't be the same if he comes back. I hope I have the opportunity to at least try to make it work.
That is terrible about your H forgetting his D17!! I'm sure it is much harder on you to have to deal with her & the emotions & all that she is going through. My cousin went through similar things with her H, the OW's D was getting more than his own daughter & finally she saw it & does not want to see or hear from him anymore. That is sad too. She got a lot of counseling for her & that seemed to help.
I hope that she does well on her IB exams. I will pray for both of you.
Everyone! I just got an email from H & he plans to be here April 11th & 12th to get his things out of the house. I can't stand it!!! He is or was my best friend & I just can't believe it has gone so far!!! I had so hoped that he would change his mind but so far he seems to be moving in the other direction. Help me, I'm having such a hard time!!!!
