No way could I have gone 3 weeks without contact. Logistically it would not have worked and as much as I preach the DB lessons, I sometimes was not the best at following my own advice!
Also, my sitch was somewhat unique and I think that a long lay off in contact would have been very bad for us. I too did DB coaching and while I appreciated the communication, I think that much of what we do to save our marriages comes from seeing what is going on around us and reacting accordingly.
I think that our marriages suffer in this world because we fail to act on the stimuli that stress the marriage both positive and negative! In my case it was lots of negative stimuli that I put on the marriage, but there was no reaction from either of us. She looked the other way, and I ignored that I was not behaving as an adult!
Same goes for any string that you read, we get so insulated that we can't see the forest through the trees.
Me thinks that any 180 is a good 180 as long as it is completed with the focus of changing the dynamic that put your marriage behind in the first place. Doing a 180 for the sake of difference is a death blow because if YOU do not believe in the new behavior you will not sustain it!
Good luck!
Me: 33 jacka** whom lied, stole, cheated, and basically treated DW like crap for years DW: 29 kind soul who gave too much to me over the relationship
S7 S4
M: 7yrs Bomb: 10/19 Seperated: 10/24
The worst reconciliation is better than the best divorce
I had the same issue, she would tell me that I was trying not to communicate with her or that I was playing games. Nonetheless, it always created positive conversation....
Me: 33 jacka** whom lied, stole, cheated, and basically treated DW like crap for years DW: 29 kind soul who gave too much to me over the relationship
S7 S4
M: 7yrs Bomb: 10/19 Seperated: 10/24
The worst reconciliation is better than the best divorce
This 180 would show her that I am not needy (or at least make her wonder...). I looked back through old emails, going back 2 years. There were multiple times when I would go 2, 3, 4 days with no emails sent or received. I was very surprised to see that.
These days, when I am feeling "not so secure", I have been emailing/phoning/texting, or responding to hers, up to 10 times per day. Bad Mink!!!
In addition, I feel like I need to keep in touch...I REALLY feel it. I feel like she's slipping away, when in reality, the more I do this, the more it actually WILL push her away.
So, actually, this constant keeping in touch is new (needy) behaviour. Casually contacting her is the way I used to be, which to her is more normal.
Does this make sense?
She comments on it, which tells me it's important.
As my DB coach says: "Every time she comments on an aspect of your relationship, she is telling you how to get through to her".
I have been following your sitch for a while now as it is similar to mine , however I think you are a bit more advanced in the process. I do enjoy the approach you have and with hound working with the try it and monitor results process. The contact thing has been an issue for me as well. In my case W does enjoy the contact by TXT but I think it has become too easy for her. I think you can relate to this . Your W can relax a bit because you are assured to contact her and this will be of comfort to her even if she says its not. If she realy wants the contact then I think she will work for it .
Quote:
This 180 would show her that I am not needy (or at least make her wonder...).
Exactly , I would still respond to her contact , but thats my take on it as non response could be seen as a negative. However the response should just be friendly but dealing with the issue.
If she does cantact for friendly banter then I would respond accordingly and play. The idea is to get her in the habit of contacting you and rewarding that action.
Thats my plan to try , I will be watching with interest .
Well I got through the day without emailing her. That's something, I suppose!
So what happened? She just called me. She needed to ask me if I could do a favor for her friend and husband, related to my work.
She was in good spirits, as was I.
Sidebar: We are having Easter dinner on Sunday, at her parents' place, along with the whole family.
I mentioned in the call that I had a couple of her things that she had asked me to look for, and had put them in the trunk of my car. "I'll give them to you next time I see you" I said. "Well, that would be on Sunday", she said. "Oh yeah, of course" I said calmly, as my heart pounded out of my chest.
What she is really saying: "I don't want to see you between now and Sunday" even though it's a long weekend.
Whatever. Sheesh! We've been here before, I just hate being stalled like this. Maybe not seeing each other is a good thing. It really seems like she is testing me to see what I will do or say. But that seems crazy.
I will probably make plans of my own, maybe even go out of town.
Well, I just have a couple of minutes before I hit the shower.
Just finished my 2nd coaching call with Joann...once again, very affirming, and really helps my PMA!
I spoke for about 10 minutes on W and I's last 2 weeks of interaction, and Joann told me all of this is totally normal. The way W is acting, responding, feeling, things she is saying...totally normal. How I feel about not contacting her, how I always feel like pushing when things are going well...totally normal. The "chameleon approach", where W gets really cool and distant after we have had a really nice, deep weekend together. All normal and predictable.
Anyway...I have homework!
- I must be consistent in everything I do (GAL, how I talk to her, etc) - I need to let her do some of the work. How? By doing LESS at my end. - I need to let HER bring up R talk, especially when it concerns the future - When she does talk about the future, don't bite, be cool and friendly but not eager - I need to suggest not seeing each other (like I did this past weekend)
I will do this by (once again trying at least) not contacting her. When I have done this in the past few weeks, she has always come to me. Joann thinks this is an excellent sign.
I should not be as "available" (like Fish tells me). Be vague about what I'm up to.
BTW, my "Dobson Letter" appears to have been a good idea to shake things up in our dynamic. I am less predictable.
How will I know I am seeing progress? 1. She will contact me more than vice versa. 2. She brings up the future now and then when we talk.
I always feel really good after a coaching session. I just have trouble implementing sometimes. Stick to your guns and you will be fine. Nice work Mink.
