Bring on the Rain

[SueS]

lwb, Sheila, Saffie, Grumpy.....thank you.

I had a few tears today when talking to a good friend of mine. I do truly feel stronger and look forward to a brighter future but it doesn't stop the pain due to the fact that my H is planning on leaving and I'll have to explain to our D3 why daddy isn't around.

Grumpy....I knew what you meant! You are right. Having people on your side isn't the same as having your world right and where you want it. And, your comment about your H leaving you...and not the other way around. How true. I've been reading about exit affairs. I'm wondering if my H's affair is an exit affair. Things were not perfect, but late Spring, early Summer, things were getting better in all ways. We spent more time together, our sex life increased....etc. I did everything he wanted/gave him everything he needed even before I knew about the A and before it became a PA. I talked to him about wanting to work on the M before it became a PA. I let him know how I felt. Still, he continued with it. I read that sometimes the spouse in an exit affair often sees the affair partner as a soul mate, the love of their life because they already wanted out of their M.....so this MUST be the one they've been waiting for. Often it fails after fantasy become reality.

Our Landlord came over last night. He dropped off papers for non-renewal. We do not live in a large managed complex. He owns our unit. The housing market for sellers in MN is horrible. He's lost thousands already. He needs to move back in and try to refinance. We have until our lease is up at the end of July. He emailed us this morning as a follow up. I called H right away. He'd seen the message and asked me if I'd looked at any more 2 bedroom apts. I told him that I had been looking. I didn't want to get into it at work, but very soon it will all have to come out. He keeps emphasizing the words "2 bedroom". I know that D3 would need her own room, no doubt. However, a question hit me today. Does H emphasize that incase things fall apart with OW and he thinks with a 2 bedroom it will be enough room for him to come back to? Maybe, maybe not. Just strange how he keeps pushing that.

H called and let us know he'd be running late last night. He came home, ate and fell asleep on the bed. I'd like to kick his a$$ for not staying up and spending more time with D3. But, a wise person on my thread said that he needs to facilitate his own relationship with her. I already have mine with her.

Have a good evening.

SueS

[lovelyolive]

I do truly feel stronger and look forward to a brighter future but it doesn't stop the pain due to the fact that my H is planning on leaving and I'll have to explain to our D3 why daddy isn't around.

Hi Sue... I've been keeping up with your sitch and just wanted to lend my support. Personally, I feel like I'm on a whole new rollercoaster having to explain why Daddy isn't home or where he is... It's hard.. no doubt about it. But, it's even harder when she's gone away from me!!!! Somehow, like everything else, we will also get through this..

By the way.. I love the song!

[fightingirish]

Sues,

Just thinking about you and also keeping up on your stitch.

Yes, his relationship with her has to be made with just that, him and her. This is his problem, and if he doesn't it will be his loss and when she is old enough, she will understand and he will pay for that.

You of course have a great relationship with her, and thank the lord for that.

hang in there.. (((hugs)))

[saffie]

Sue,

Strikes me this is getting crucial. July is not that far away. You need to know his intentions - even if it's not what you want - you need to know to protect yourself. Is there a fall back position for just you and your D - is there anywhere you two could rest your heads for a few weeks if you had to whilst decisions are made?

[karen43]

Sue, I think my H's affair was an exit affair as well (combined with his MLC). I wonder how that affects our DB'ing--I guess makes it tougher? Even though I am fine with our separation, I still continue to have a tiny bit of hope that the affair will break up and H will reconsider our M and family.

The kids and I are doing well so far. I think there is a little bit of relief that the stress they were living in with H having an affair and his crazy and flaky behavior, that is done and we are finally living in a more peaceful and calm household (as much as you can have with 2 kids anyway!). I was dreading the separation, but it is not as bad as thought it would be!!! Karen

[JoieDeVivre]

Sue,
I totally agree with Saffie ... you need to know what his intentions are. July will be here before you know it. Has your H ever said straight up what he's going to do????

((((( HUGS )))))

Joie

[SueS]

Oh you all are so wonderful!

LO- I worry about how I'll handle the times that H has D3. I know I'll have to occupy myself to the full extent. I worry too because if he's with OW and her kids, the chances are very likely that D3 will have to contend with OW's 4 kids. How unfair is that? I guess that just means for work in explaining things for me and more love that I'll be fortunate enough to give her.

TAL & Karen- Thanks for coming by. Karen, I'm glad you're doing well. I really am. TAL, you're so sweet. I love it when you stop by.

Saffie & Joie- You are right. The conversation needs to happen soon. The only information I've gotten about any plans have been from OW's husband.....and all the links I've seen that have been sent to H for rentals. I'm sure the conversation will happen very, very soon. The subject has come up the past few days. I had D3 with me tonight when I looked at an apt. I'm sure she'll say something to him too. H's family will be in town this weekend & D3's birthday is next Sat. I want to get those 2 things out of the way. Saffie, in answer to your question. Yes, if worse comes to worse, we do have a place to stay. It would be an inconvenient option as far as my commute to work & D3's school, but still an option. While visiting my aunt & uncle last weekend, we briefly talked about H & I. They offered any assistance they could give, including a place to stay while we "got on our feet". If we still lived in the area we lived in just over a year ago, it would work better. However, we now live on a different side of the city. Still, it is an option and a very appreciated offer.

Do you ever miss someone (a relative or friend) so much sometimes that it hurts? I lost my uncle in 2004 & my grandma in 2006. Both lived here and I was close to both. Both would have been of immense support during these times and it just hurts that they're gone. I miss them both so much.

Journaling...........or should I call it venting tonight.
I went to look at an apartment tonight. When I was driving away, I got really angry. I'm pissed that I feel like I'm forced into this. There's part of me that says that this very well may be the best thing and that there are things that I no longer want to live with that I've lived with for years. But, I'm still hurting. I'm still mad that I'm not in control of this situation. That I'm being forced to find a place to live by the end of the summer. A place without the man that I promised I would love & support for the rest of my life.....and who promised me the same.

I hate coming home and getting on the computer to see that she's been emailing links to rentals that I can only assume because of my conversation with her husband, are for her and H. All close & convenient for her to her work & kids. I hate seeing links to love songs that literally make me want to throw up, smash the computer & then break down crying.

I've been going through all my bills to see what I can afford and to see what I can get paid down as far as possible by the end of the summer. I know that's something a person does anyway, but I hate "having" to do it.

There's a part of me that says......Sue, you need to start looking at the positives. I won't be the one worried at 2:00 am when he's not home. I won't be the one that has to listen to his temper.....and it will come up. But then there's the part that can't forget 17 years together. The CHILD we have together that WE CHOSE to bring into this world. WE CHOSE....not her.

D3's school is closed on Friday. I had asked him a few months ago if he could take 1/2 day & I'd take 1/2 day since I've already used 4 days & my anniversary was only in Jan. He just called & I mentioned it. He said, of course you'll be the one to take it off. I reminded him of our conversation and his response was......well you get 22 days and you won't be going anywhere, why can't you take a full day? Like I'm such a loser that I won't ever use my days. I reminded him of how the past few years I've had to take 3-4 days in just one week because of D3 being sick. I told him to just never mind and I'll just figure things out myself. Turns out all he has to do is change his schedule by 2 measly hours and that he can do it afterall! Selfish A$$!

Well, venting is done!

I need to get some things done tonight! Thanks again everyone!

[NoCodeBlues]

((((((((((Sue))))))))))

[SweetRedd]

((((SUE)))) Keep coming here to vent GF. You're seeing things as they truly are and it sounds like you're dealing with your thoughts and feelings along the way. That's a GOOD and healthy thing. It also sounds like you are looking at the positives as much as you can. They might not feel positive at the moment, but acknowledging them is going to help you. As time goes on and the pain subsides, you'll no doubt (because you're awesome!) start to focus on the positives more and realize how free you're becoming from your H's problems. That feeling of freedom and relief will be bittersweet, but it's what's going to drive you forward into a better life for you and D3. You're on the right track!

I'm sorry your H is being selfish and neglecting D3 You're doing the right thing by dealing with this yourself. It keeps your D3 from being part of a struggle between you and your H. If he "has" to take off to stay with her and doesn't truly want and enjoy spending time with her right now, she's going to pick up on this when she's with him. I've seen this with my son and it's confusing for kids.. it can make them feel insecure. Did you ever stay with a relative that couldn't tell your Mom no, but really didn't want to be bothered watching a kid? Things were fine, but you could just sense the inconveniene.

Is your H's neglect of D3 is hurting you the most right now? You love her so much and it's hard to understand him not being blown away with love for her too? I went through this with our oldest son. I wasn't married to his father and although he was present the first couple of years he wasn't consistent and reliable. It hurt so much when he was waiting on his Daddy to show up and I'd get a call that he couldn't make it.. especially knowing that the something that came up was probably a party. I wanted my son to have a father that loved him and nurtured him as much as I did, but his father was incapable of that. He was fine when it was convenient, but he couldn't grasp the resonsibility of being there unconditionally for his child. He also didn't get the payoffs from that either. When it became clear to his father that I wasn't going to marry him (because of his drinking and lifestyle) he said he didn't want to be a part of our son's life either. He was bluffing, but I cut off contact with him after that (he didn't put up a fight to see his son either). I wrestled with that decision for a long time and felt like I was denying my son a father. My brother had been through the same when his wife left him and their D when she was one. He told me the best thing I could do for Matt was to let it go and save him the pain of having a bad parent in his life. He was right. Matt is going to be 22 next month and I now know it was the best thing for him. I married my H and he's had a great Dad in his life. He grew up unaware that there's a man that rejected him and didn't have time for him. He didn't have to deal with the drinking, drugs, fights, etc. I've thanked God many times that his father didn't want to be a part of his life and that I didn't push it. It allowed us to give him a family that loves him. He's been so secure in that that he never asks about his natural father and has no desire to know him.

I'm not suggesting that you push your H out of your D3's life.. at all. Our sitchs are totally different. I'm just saying that the less she's aware of his neglect, the better off she'll be. Please let her rest in the assurance and security of her Mom and don't push him. If he becomes undependable and starts breaking promises to her though, put your foot down HARD on that. Just my opininion but setting up expectations in a child and letting them down is abuse. My H's parents have always been bad about saying that they'll attend special occasions for the kids and then don't show up. I finally had to stop inviting them because the kids would be so hurt. Now they don't expect them to be there.. they notice, but it doesn't have quite the same sting of rejection. Sometimes they talk about how they feel about having grandparents that are selfish. D13 even wrote a letter saying she was hurt and doesn't want to ever see them again. We allowed her those feelings.. didn't send the letter, but took the time to help her see how precious she is and that they are missing out on something special. Now she's the one that doesn't care to spend time with them much.. and she understands that it's not her fault - they are just selfish people who don't have room in their life for kids.

Long story short.. your D3 is going to be OK. She has a wonderful Mom that loves her and will help her through this. Someone wise said to let your H be responsible for his relationship with D3. Hopefully he'll see the light, but if he doesn't she's going to be all right as long as she's surrounded by people who love her and don't let her down.

Hugggggs,

Sheila

[Snow White]

I hate seeing links to love songs that literally make me want to throw up, smash the computer & then break down crying.

Hi Sue,

Hope you are feeling better today. I noticed this in your post and it hit home to me. OW in my sitch opened a boombox on facebook and (in my mind at least) was creating a mix tape to my husband. There is one song "Bubbly" that she had as her number one song on there and as her favourite ringtone. I was on the computer one night doing an internet survey and the song was on it. h walked in and immediately the look on his face changed and he asked what are you doing? I knew then that it meant something to him as well, I think it must be the most freakin over played song on the radio because every where I go it is on and I feel sick when i hear it. The stupid apple commercial for the new computer I was convinced had the same song, it doesn't but now everytime that commercial comes on I am brought back to that again. Music is funny that way.