H is having affair after all

[Evie]

Just got back from my counselling session. Apologies now if this is long and garbled, but i feel distraught and i'm crying as i write.

Basically, the counsellor was trying to tell me that there is no hope and that i'm in denial.

She said H has lied, deceived and manupulated me for nearly a year, longer if I take into consideration the length of time (4 yrs) that I think H has been distant and withdrawn. She said thats a long time and to long to try and pull back any kind of R.

I think she was shocked that I still want H after the way he has treated me, I said I wasn't sure that H knew what he wanted that H seemed still very much connected to me and wouldn't leave me alone. She thinks i have been the 'fixer' and maybe the decision maker and if i hadn't asked him to leave home last October he would still be here. SHe asked me if i had considered mediation as a way forward. I'm not ready for that yet b/c i feel that it will set the ball rolling to D. If D is what H wants then I want him to face that confrontation with me head on and ask for it, rather than me iniaite it. She asked me if i trusted him after the way he has lied and played games with me and what did i want. She asked if i thought he would consider counselling with her either to move forward together as a couple or as a way of understanding him and to help me move forward.

I feel as i'm going through the gamult of feelings for the third time now and i said to her i just cant let go yet. She said he has led me false hope for nearly a year and maybe there isn't any hope. I said if that was the case why hasn't he made a clean break, either last may, last september or 2 weeks ago? I have never asked him what he wants or what the future holds. Why? maybe i was scared of the answers, maybe i'm unsure that this is what H really wants, maybe he nneds time, i tend to think the latter.

The C said I have some tough decisions to make for me and alot of changes lie ahead. She said maybe its a little soon but i need to think on all she has said.

How do you know there isn't any hope left when evryone tells you there isn't? Its only you my friends on here that are telling me that there maybe other possibilities, MLC for instance.

I asked C why H was so angry with me and the girls all the time? I can't remember being satisfied by her answers.

Also you may remember from Sunday that I bumped into OW at work - AGAIN. Well a collegue has taken the matter to the Head's PA. H was obviously worried of further implications and or trouble b/c of her using the pool. However, my point is that H has now got into an email dialogue with the Head's PA. H seems to be opening up to her. Now i'm not sure if this b/c i have shut down commuinication with him and he's unsure of himself or other reasons, such as he may be trying to put his side of the story across or he may be trying to find out where he stands on a proffessional level. Alot of the communication seems to be about his conscience allowing ow to still be working at the school on the poolside in ANY capacity, h seemed to be justifying the reasons why she was still working, but my colleague tactfully pointed out to him that if he had any respect for my feelings or those of his colleagues that he should put a stop to her working there. H seemed to be fishing for how he was been percieved by my colleagues. The PA told him that all their energies were going into supporting me and that i'm dealing with it all with a brave face, dignity, amazing strength and poffesionalism (she is so good, as i said she is slowing drip feeding the info to try and make him see that this isn't about him and that it's all a consequence of his & her actions).

If the A is over as H claims, why is he still in txt communication with ow? In his emails to the PA he said he was unsure whether ow was still going on the ski trip as he hadn't spoken to her and 2 paragraphs later he said he was trying to see if the coach could pick her up from the motorway services. Then later in another email he had said he had had text communication from ow that she was going and she was to be collected from the services rather than depart from the school.

sorry for the length, i needed to talk, ill think of more later i'm sure.

x evie xxx