Broken Tree WAW- MLC

[minkerman]

BT, that is awesome! Do you realize what a positive interaction that was?

You have just sent her a "mini-Dobson letter" by telling her you are reading a book on divorce. She goes away thinking "Hey, I thought *I* was the one controlling this situation...why is he preparing for divorce? He might actually walk away from *ME*?"

DO NOT get pulled into an argument, because she will probably come looking for one, knowing you may be planning your own exit from this mess.

You have upset the apple cart and introduced your strength into the mix.

Nice work! Don't let it be undone!

[Broken Tree]

Do you really think so? I did something good and didn't even know it? I think you are right, now that I think of it.

I never fired off the Dobson letter but I have refined it and may soon. I don't think I am quite ready for it yet. It really is a LRT.

I am not Argueing no matter what. I didn't even ask her what she did last weekend. I have been really good. I just hope I am not losing interest. We had such a great weekend, I was very keen to see how the other families interacted. When I was driving home the last hr I was sitting in the car and I was thinking I really don't want to go home, bad feeling. To much BS going on. All she wants to do is hurt me. I will not allow it anymore.

Thanks for your thoughts Mink, I have been following your sitch.

[Broken Tree]

12 points for Treeman today:

No arguing today: 3 points

Wife Noticing my book " The Good Divorse" (Ahorns): 3 Points

Workout coach (whom I have not seen in weeks) "you look great" 3points

2 Hours workout, endorphins flying: 3 points

I feel great and I am starting to accept! Detaching is hard.

[Broken Tree]

Got home last night and feel into a trap. I was looking for a basketball schedule and foung reservations for two to the Bahama's in April. Well you can guess what happened. I had a fit. She drew me right in. Turned out she was making reservations, without my knowledge, to go to the
Bahama's with my son for spring break with Her brother. Very expensive trip. Turned out she never made the reservation but she got what she wanted with a perfectly placed note and a rise out of me. I think she is just trying to get me excited and get me out of the house. i have been advised by all not to leave the house. She also said she was going out with the SSW until 8:30. She got home at 11:00 and could not understand why she was tired and had to go back to bed this morn. Crummy Day, I can not wait to see my Psyc today at 11:00.

[houndfan]

I've only a quick minute....

From what I can see she is afraid to make this about her decision to end the marriage. Too much guilt to make it about her, so it becomes about you. Arguements, drawing you into to positions you don't want to be in etc...

But there is also a tinge of hope with some of the interaction.

There may not be a reality moment here for her because you are not gone and she has not had to work life "alone" - yet. That does not mean that it is needed, just that it has not set in for her.

Me thinks that you need to really get your arms around a possible D here. Really come to grips with its possibility and probability. Does not mean that you give up hope, in fact the alternate is true that you will gain more hope. Without directly addressing that you are preparing for a D with her you need her to understand that you accept the reality, are preparing for the worst, but working for the best possible outcome.

Maybe some darker moments - but don't go dark! Maybe some mystery about your activities and whereabouts so she can see that you are able to stand on your own. Most important - don't worry about what she is doing, when, and for how long! Who cares if she said 8:30 and came in at 11? In the grand scheme of your relationship does that 1.5 hours really matter?

It seems to me that you are forgetting Hound Rules 1 and 2...

1) Accept your possible reality OWN IT!!!
2) Affirm - Affirm - Affirm - disarm her and don't give her reasons to doubt your intent or motives! If she is planning a trip to the moon it does not matter why. Even if she tells you she is planning to meet Joe Schmoe in Aruba and have passionate sex all weekend - so what, deal with it when it happens not before. By jumping the gun on the trip you fell so hard for her game that you now look foolish and need to work harder to build integrity! Had you said to her - I noticed that you were looking into a trip to XXX, I am really exicted for you I think that you need that time to yourself. She would have fallen over because you are affirming her need to do something other than worry about the stress of your marriage.

BT - I know that this logic sucks. But there are a number of successes using this logic. Go back to Fish and his W's trip to Europe remember in the beginning how he was trying to control and it pushed her away? Same thing, once he accepted that she is an adult and able to make adult decisions and really they were not going to do much more damage he disarmed her.

I remember a convo with my wife telling her to go on a trip with OM!!!! Yep, I told her I would watch the kids and she should go - she just had to use her own money but I thought it would be a good idea. She said to me later that one moment was really interesting because my history would dictate a different reaction. But I was playing Defense because I knew that her decisions were limted once I made those comments. She never went by the way!

Control is a relative term - she wants to control the relationship, yet you can give it all to her and still feel empowered to be a great husband!

Good Luck....

Hound

[Broken Tree]

Hound, thanks for stopping by man! Welcome back man! I am having a bad day today, the first one in a while. I think it is mostly because of my reaction to the reservation and my confronting her, I am embarrased and i know it set me back. Also because she didn't come home until 11PM last night when she said she would be home at 8:30 which is 2.5 hrs. The issue is more when you tell your kids you will be home before they go to bed you should do it.

I really feel like I am losing her now but mostly because of my dumb actions. She does want out but does not want to feel guilty. She would love it if it was my decision or my action that caused the D. Not happening man.

I realize I can not control her, I know I am trying to hard but all I want to do is straighten this thing out and get it back on track. It is also very hard to be in the same house.

Psyc appointment went well. He thinks she is Manic Depressed, in great pain and told me not to believe a word that comes out of her mouth. Don't ask questions because you will only get very hurtful answers. He also said I was the lightning rod for all her anger and issues and not to accept that.

I am accepting that I am a lot closer to D then R and I am working on affirming what she says. What I am having trouble with is holding my toung before I ingage my jaw. I need to stop and think about what i am about to say. This is really hard and is going to take a lot of time!

Thanks for your thought and please stop by more often.

[houndfan]

So, I have the same issue. I often bark before I think, pre seperation, during the seperation, and even sometimes now I speak without thought which results in thoughtless speach. Make sense?

I understand what you are hearing from those around you, I too was told the same. She was acting like a child, deflecting to me etc etc. The reality makes no difference because HER reality is what drives the bus. I will gladly charge you $100/hour to tell you what you already know. What are you doing about it is the key, what type of tools are you being armed with to navigate your sitch is the C giving you. I would suggest that if you are not getting progressive help then you are wasting your money and possibly your marriage. I am by no means suggesting that I am a clinician, but at the same time I can tell you that any joker can hang a shingle and tell you what you have shared...

She will do everything she can to hurt you and spark a response from you! She will do everything to force you to make the move, she does not want a Divorce because if she did it would be done. Don't care what anyone else says about that - if my W really wanted to end our relationship she would have. You see it everyday with people when they are just done.

You need to really focus on techniques that change the balance of power - ever so slightly! This is not to say that you need to take control of the sitch it just means that you slowly can reclaim your marriage little by little. Me thinks that she would see more clearly if you let her!

Last thought - OF COURSE YOU ARE THE LIGHTENING ROD FOR HER ANGER. What good husband isn't? I see my parents who have had a wonderful marriage for 30 years take out the stress of their life on each other. The difference is the way and methods in which it is done. Your goal for today: remove the things in her life that cause anxiety. Forget about all the other stuff, help eliminate the anxiety that may cause the trigger of the MD. She may just respond differently!

[Broken Tree]

Hound, thanks again. This guy is board certified in Psychiatry and Neurology and he is $400 buck and hr. but most importantly he lets me get it all out and I feel great when I leave. He make me feel sane when I sometime doubt myself in a very difficult time. He is not a MC. He makes very few suggestions but when he speaks boy I listen hard. He said I was very resilient and says I should not take any more crap. He says W will not respect me until I give it back to her and not just take it all the time. He says I am living in the middle of a Sh** storm and I have to decide how long I want to hang in or how long it will last.

[Broken Tree]

My W just told me she is on her way to the L to file.

She has no love for me and wants to start dating.

WOW!!!!!

[houndfan]

Don't let it affect you, your plan should not change if you want to make the effort to save your marriage. Will she really go to L and file? Or is this another verbal assault?