2nd Post: My H just returned for a second time

[Tipper]

Thanks Breton,
I need to not worry so much about how he will think or react to me and what I do with my life now.

I got a text from H last night at 10:00 p.m. that said: "I hope u are well & that you like your new jeep". I didn't respond to it last night & went to bed. I woke up this morning and there was another text from H sent at 2:10 in the a.m.(when the bars close) that said: "I love me whether you like it or not".

I responded to him this morning with:"the jeep is great, thanks & I wish you well too, and even though I am really hurt, I have never stopped loving you". He text back: "cool".

I hope I didn't push or pursue too much. I really didn't know how to respond to him. I just went with my gut.
TIPPER

[Tipper]

Well my response to my H's texts were probably too pursuing because he has stopped sending me his crazy drunk texts.

He is probably out having the time of his life partying hard with out even thinking about me at all now that he knows that I still love him. It's like once he knows he can still have me, it seems to reassure him that he can go out and do what he is doing. I feel like I am his security blanket.

I often get afraid of not returning his calls since he gets very angry when I dont. I constantly don't know how to respond correctly to his childish games or if I should at all.

I ran into my Brother in law last night when all of our friends went out to watch a band play at a local bar. He was nice to me and we chatted for a minute. I was very sad last night and I said to him, that I have lost them all (in regards to his family) since his parents and sister no longer call to check in on me or to say hi. He said that I havent lost him and he will always be my friend. After our conversation I just lost it and started crying to a girlfriend of mine. I am so embarrased that I was crying so hard out in public. My brother in law stood next to us and looked very sad and concerned for me.

Anyways, people cheered me up and when the band started playing one of our guy friends asked me to dance. I ended up dancing all night long after that with about 5 other single guy friends that we all know. It was a blast.

I often feel like all the guys that I know that are single are all hitting on me and trying to impress me to win a date. Many of them come right out and tell me that they want me. I also had another single guy friend of my H's and mine call me this week to come hang out alone with him, so I brought a friend but he was still hitting on me.

I feel so trapped, every one of them tells me I am the perfect women and that my H is psycho for leaving me. I think that they all think that since I am out having fun and doing many GAL activities that I am on the rebound when really I am just out trying to have fun and being myself. I dont know how to handle it, especially since I am not interested in any of them in that way.

I feel so messed up from all of this, I dont know how to deal with my broken heart. This is tearing me apart.
TIPPER

[Tipper]

bump

[Tipper]

My MIL called me tonight and we talked briefly.

She said that my H came over for a quick dinner for his dad's b-day.
He acted really happy and macho the whole night, and didn't want to talk about much other than asking them if they had talked to me about his latest coming and going. They said they had heard. His dad asked him if he will ever stop drinking, and he said "I could if I wanted to".Then he lied to them after about an hour of being there and said that he had to leave to go to a band rehersal with the band he quit playing with about a month ago.

He seems to be lying and running from his family and any conversations about his choices as much as he is with me & all of our closest friends. He is being insanely selfish and childish & it drives me nuts.

I got to detatch more.
TIPPER

[cat03]

I've stopped asking MIL what is H doing or thinking, it is a way for me to detach totally from H, he's made his choices, right or wrong they are his to make and no one will change his mind. Your H has chosen a bad road, but only by fallign will he learn, keep detaching and getting off his crazed rollercoaster.

[Tipper]

This2shallpass,
thanks for the advice.

I agree that the less I know from my MIL the better I can detatch.

She however, calls to check in on me and see if I am doing allright and we always end up talking about my H.

After her and I talked last night, it was like I became a zombie that couldn't think of anything other than my H's MLC.

I should probably tell her the next time that we talk that I would like to step back some and detatch from H more. I would definitely miss hearing from his side of the family though, as I love them all dearly.

My H stopped by to walk the dog again today and left a note saying that he wants to go get her nails clipped. We have never had our dogs nails clipped before, so I don't understand his desire.

Also, he left an offer in the note to install the thresholds in my Town house from my new hardwood floor that he put in the week he was home. He must be feeling really guilty to be offering in all these ways to help. I dont know whether to let him do it or not, as my dad was already planning on helping me out.
TIPPER

[Tipper]

I text my H back 4 hrs later and said:
"that would be great if you can get the dogs nails clipped. And I tried to put in the thresh holds but the screw were too long so if you want to do it, then go ahead or I can take care of it, thanks!"

He text me back and said: "It would be a pleasure to finish up the floors & that he would take the dog into the groomers some time this week.

I just responded with - thanks.

I really think he is feeling guilty and just trying to be nice to make himself feel better.
TIPPER

[Tipper]

Journaling,

My H just text me at 10:30 tonight: "So I presume grandmas house isn't in my cards?"
I didn't respond, because why should I help him to get a new place when his lease is up, he just dosent want to have to do business with my parents who own the house due to not wanting to face them.

Then an hour later he text back and said "You think you have got me all figured out with your books, All I wanted was your heart, you just don't understand me at all.

I text back and said" Im sorry but I just dont want to be involved in this, it is not my decision, please try to understand".

He responded with "I understand completely". I didn't respond.

This was one of his many anger episodes where he blames me and says I'm the one that doesnt love him, when he has left me three times this year. He has turned into such a monster again.

At least now (after a year) I am not a mess about dealing with his nonsense and I know not to play into his crazy games he is playing.
TIPPER

[Tipper]

I just had to text my H this Morning to fill him in on my Grandmas house.
I told him that my parents have talked to an auctioneer and are planning on auctioning it off by this summer, and to please not be mad at me.
He text me back and said, "thank you, and I am not mad".

I hope this isn't too pursuing, I guess I am trying to be loving from a distance even though I didnt want to do his dirty work for him. I still cant believe that he wants me to help him find a place for when his lease is up after he just left me 2 weeks ago telling me that he would rather drink & go to the bars rather than work on our M.
TIPPER

[sgctxok]

So sometimes I get really urked that I am constantly reading things that tell me to work on myself and improving me. I am not trying to be concieted, but I feel like I have done the best I can for myself allready. I know that no one is perfect, but I am very content with the life I have built for myself and the person that I am. Many people admire me and most people pity my H. WHAT ABOUT HIM WORKING ON IMPROVING HIMSELF.

Well my response to my H's texts were probably too pursuing because he has stopped sending me his crazy drunk texts.

There is a big misconception about DBing, working on yourself, MLC, GAL ... especially with respect to your relationship.



You KNOW you're already attractive and you are the best person you can be. Some folks are some are not.

One misconception, is there is nothing you can do to improve your relationship with your spouse. That DB now is all about You. It simply isn't true. Research has shown that relationships have interaction cycles....IE, we have PATTERNS OF INTERACTION. What you do is break the cycle, if something isn't working, you do something different.


Many get this impression because in her chapter on MLC Michele doesn't break out DB steps, and she says to read things on MLC.
She says that because you can still do those things and it still have a long road. She tells you to read all you can so you can have the sense that 'he's just teething'.....and not take it ALL to heart.

What you CAN work on are your patterns of interaction. Which you must intuitively be doing, because you realized your text response was too pursuing. (Although if he stopped sending you drunk texts---isn't that a good thing?)


Don't read me wrong...it may not be your fault that he leaves again after coming home. But your part in your patterns of interaction may be able to be improved....increasing the chance that he'd stay, if that's what you want him to do.



You have an opportunity here, then:

I often get afraid of not returning his calls since he gets very angry when I dont. I constantly don't know how to respond correctly to his childish games or if I should at all.

Describe how the interaction goes......he calls, you ignore. What kinds of things does he say? What do you WANT TO HAPPEN? Not big picture, little picture.

We can help with that.