Back on the Roller Coaster - OW still around

[fooled again]

Hi Mike,

You may be right about my H hearing me say I want him to come home, but then I've said it so many times, it makes me think that it may be just "more of the same". I'm quite sure that he's looking at the mess and not just wondering if he could forgive me if our roles were reversed, but wondering if he can ever undo the damage. I do know that right he is working on settling into his new job and rebuilding that part of his life. Maybe the rest of it is just too much to swallow at this point and asking him to come home would just make him feel panicky & overwhelmed. One chunk at a time, one success may breed another, and another, until he has his life back on track.

My thinking is that at some point in the next few months (and I'll have to judge when the time is right for this) I am going to sit down with him and tell him that I love him and more than anything I want us to be together as a H and W and a family, and I want to work with him on a plan to get us there, figure this out together. I will also tell him that what I don't want and am unwilling to do is live like this for years and years, that at some point if he cannot commit to our M and move back home, I need to move on w/ my life.

I guess I've gotten to the point where I'm seeing that life is too short to wait and wait for something that may never happen. I'm still pretty young (okay, you can stop laughing now) and still attractive. I deserve to be loved, I deserve to be happy. This w/end while touring the pubs w/ my D's dance school, I got alot of attention from several men. Now I'm not so superficial as to think I can find everlasting love & happiness w/ someone I meet in a pub, but it illuminated the fact that I do have alot going for me, and for me to spend my days & nights bemoaning the fact that my H doesn't want to come home is simply a waste of time & energy. I could be out meeting people & having some good clean fun. So I'm going to ask H to let me know, one way or the other, what he wants, despite the fact that he may or may not be in MLC. I'm no longer willing to to pretend, wish, hope for something that isn't going to happen - I'm tired of that, exhausted really. This may not be DBing, or perhaps it is, b/c I'd be doing this for me, not as a tool to get him back or to make him afraid to lose me, but to actually GAL in the truest sense.

I'm happy to hear your rehab is done and you're ready to start coaching again. Sounds like this may be a very good year for your health & fitness, and it'll only get better. When our bodies are strong & healthy, it is so much easier to deal w/ the emotional & intellectual stress that we have to deal w/ in our M's. Good for you for taking such good care of your body (hope you're taking care of your soul just as well).

Your W sounds like she wants to sever all ties w/ you, no matter how much financial sense it would otherwise make to opt for S instead of D. If you believe she wants to pursue the M man at work, she still has alot to go through in her "Replay" before she is done & ready to look at things w/ a clear mind. It's so damn frustrating, I know having been through this OP crap for far, far too long. I guess that's the one thing that I hope has been worked through (and the one thing I cannot deal w/ anymore). The rest of it, their personal battle w/ their demons, I can deal with, I can wait out, for a while anyway.

I did read something about men in MLC at this point needing that push to make a decision when they are in this kind of sitch, to get them off the fence, to take action instead of maintaining the status quo. Maybe I just needed to get to a strong enough place where I can say what I have to say and stand behind my words, knowing that if I say I'm done, I will truly be able to move ahead & H will know that there is no turning back after he lets things go too far. There is someone on these boards, BeingMe, who had worked through her H's A, reconciled and still posts in "Piecing". She offered me a glimpse of what it would be like to reconcile w/ my H w/out having resolved our issues, and to be honest, I don't believe that I would want to be in her place - that's just not good enough. She even mentioned in one of her posts that she could end up a WAW, the way she had been feeling. No, that to me is not where I want to end up after all this. Maybe I'm still a little girl at heart, but I do believe in happily ever after, and I want to find that somehow b/c I deserve it. So do you. So do we all.

FA