SH Yes enjoy your time away glad you are being nice to H praying more that is so good I asked my H to take us to airport when we went away he did and he picked us up too if it would help ask I believe we will know when the time is right we have to trust that and we probably cant hurry our process of letting go peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
OC: I'm really looking forward to the trip, but also fear I will have too much fun and not want to come back to reality! I'm hoping the stress and insomnia I'm feeling now will make me shed the few pounds I've recently put on. Haha.
peace: I'm considering asking H to send us. I think he likes to feel useful and needed, but then again, if he really wanted to do it, I think he would have offered by now. I'm going to email him tomorrow to thank him for something (I told him I'd pay him back for something - he told me not to worry about it). Maybe I'll ask him then. He didn't send or pick us up on our last trip, which was over a year ago (and we were gone for almost 2 months). I'll be so disappointed if he arranges for someone else to bring us - that's what's stopping me from asking.
Feeling a little desperate today - like I need a sign - ANYTHING that will give me some hope. I'm at the end of my rope. Instead, I have a friend asking me what century I'm living in and telling me that it's perfectly acceptable to date and even sleep with others while separated. NOT what I needed to hear.
sh- Seems like you are letting things get to you so this trip is coming at a perfect time. Go on your trip and relax and take your mind off of everything. If you ask your H to take you or pick you up, have no expectations...or prepare yourself that he might get someone else to take you. How long will you be gone for?
I think you are doing a little crazy making because you are looking for signs. Quit looking...just let what is going to happen, just happen. Any you know to ignore what your friend said to you...most people don't understand what why we stand...it is so sad that our society has become so selfish and think about what is going to make them happy in the moment...most people don't understand honor or integrity anymore...it is all about self gratification...hmmm...sounds like our spouses.
SH Some days are like that..all of a sudden we feel desperate it might not br your situation -but you..growing pms ??it will pass I can understand your fear in rejection if H may not bring you himself..to airport would it still be helpful for the ride if anyone took you and he arranged? if he cant, maybe its just his own uncomfortability with facing you.. maybe there are no signs here..only internal messages and we can practice tuning in as far as friends..they dont understand and in their own way, they try to spare us pain as they see it hopeless.. that doesnt mean it is hang in how long will you be gone? peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
UD, peace: Yes! I am absolutely doing a little crazy making. Those were the exact words I had in my head. Some of it has to do with the other thing that's on my mind - seeing OF on my trip. I can honestly say that there is nothing worth mentioning going on at the moment, but even if there was, I don't think this is the appropriate place to talk about it. Maybe just anxious about the possibilities that exist there.
I leave on Saturday and will be gone a little over a week. I might change my flight to an earlier one, so I won't bother asking H to send us. It gives us more time away from each other too. My internet connection isn't very good there, so I probably will only be reading and not posting.
I was thinking today how much I really did love my H - and I still do. It's just different now - like the way I still have a soft spot for my ex-bf - and if the circumstances were ever right again with my H, I could absolutely love him again, only better. At least I think I could.
In the meantime, there's nothing I can do about his part of the equation.
SH you will be ok on your trip decide beforehand what you intend to do about OF dont wait to the heat of the moment If you are not done with H stick to that or you will complicate things for yourself and possibly regret it later if its m,eant to be OF will still be there when your ready its a long process this healing and letting go but I cant see us rushing it or getting into another R to avoid it you have done amazingly weel for a long time stick to your plans and you will feel more empowered go against yourself and you may feel weak peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
My trip was wonderful. Not so much the trip itself, but all the things I realized while on the trip. For the past few days, I've wanted to bottle up how I'm feeling so I can keep it for when I'm down.
I realized:
- I love my H and our M and what we had - I don't need anyone to make me happy - I'm content with my life as it is - OF is good as exactly that and I don't see a future with him - if H has found love with ogre, who am I to say she's wrong for him - I'm ready for a D but am still going to follow my 2 year timeline
Our 7 year anniversary was during my trip. H messaged me that day, asking how boys were. When I didn't reply (only because I didn't see the message), he called twice (I missed both calls). I called him back right away and he asked the same question. I told him what a great time we were having (we really were and were all in a great mood when he called). He told me that he cleared a credit card for me and that I could use it, giving me a very generous budget. I said ok and thanked him. I used the card, but for only a fraction of the amount he suggested because that's all I needed it for. Anyway, no mention of anniversary, but I found it funny that he called that day, especially since last time I was there for 3 months combined, he didn't call a single time. Plus, he could have easily messaged me about the credit card.
After we landed and got our bags, I headed straight towards the taxi stand. It wasn't until S5 asked how we were getting home that I realized I didn't look for or even wish H was there to pick us up. S5 was disappointed and said 'Oh, I wanted Daddy to pick us up'. I told him 'Daddy doesn't do those things for us anymore. A taxi will be fun.'
Got another message from H today asking me to say hi to the boys for him, that he was out of town, and that he'll call when he gets back. I replied 'Hi back...'
2 years of S is only 4 short months away. Will I extend it again when the time comes? I have no idea. I can see me pushing it another 6 months, but then again, I don't really see the point of doing that. I'm ready to keep going. I don't want to be tied to this drama and dysfunction any longer than necessary. I don't want to remain in this sitch for so long that it becomes normal to me (like it is in his family).
Even though I've never come even close to running in a marathon, I imagine it feels like getting your second wind towards the end of the race, after you've pushed through all the fatigue and wanting to quit. Now, I'm determined to just cross the finish line - not really to finish the race, but to see what lies ahead for me.
My new favorite quote that I read somewhere while I was away is:
In the end, everything will be ok. If it's not ok, then it's not the end. - Anonymous
Wow I love that quote You sound great Trips can sometimes give us that clarity Maybe continue to focus on today and moiving forward and worry about the finish line when you get there new doors will swing open as the universe prepares your way peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Sounds like a great trip. I especially like the part where you have decided that it is H's decision to see if ogre if right for him or not. That's what he decides, regardless of how "wrong" everyone thinks it is. It is "right" for him. Same that it is "right" for you to wait or not to wait, regardless of what everyone else says. Continue to GAL and to enjoy life on a day to day basis and appreciate the good part of everyday.
Already had my bawling episode but still feeling a little stressed (it's also that time of the month).
I've been more comfortable around H lately and things have been seemingly more normal between us. I've let my guard down and am more open, and he seems to be more like himself lately. I sense he's bored - a lot of new purchases, frequently going out with friends, without ogre. He called me today after I messaged him about a financial issue (it involves my FIL, who I feel has been less than welcoming to me and my boys lately - but we don't see him often). I was feeling emotional but kept the conversation businesslike, speaking slowly to hide my emotions the best I could, but he's known me long enough to hear it in my voice. He did try to reassure me so I wouldn't worry, but afterwards, all I could think about was how he pushes everything off to someone else: work, responsibilities, blame, and now his family.
I was stressed about the financial situation, but the real reason I was emotional was because as I was stressing about it, I looked out the window and saw what my devout friend recently described to me as 'open heaven' - a clear opening in a clouded sky where the sun shines through brightly, with defined streaks of sunshine beaming down. A really brilliant sight. To be honest, I wasn't paying close attention when my friend explained the symbolism. But it was a divine sign to me that things would be ok - a sign that I desperately needed. A minute or 2 later, it was gone.
Later on, I met with my friends. As we were saying goodbye, a close friend whose H is close to my H, told me the H's recently had lunch together and my H told him that he and ogre have broken up several times but they're back together now. Other than prove my point to myself that they are not in a happy R, it doesn't have much effect on me because H didn't try to come back to me those times. Also, H hasn't done the work on himself and isn't anywhere near being a better person. Although, with all the spending and going out he's doing lately, I can't help but to wonder if he's going through replay again.
I think I've figured out a temporary solution to the financial issue. It will mean me using up a large sum of my savings, but in weighing the pros and cons, I'd rather feel that I'm taking action and being responsible for myself, rather than allow my FIL to believe I'm some kind of ungrateful leech. It's difficult for me because MIL is so nice and constantly tells me not to worry, buys me gifts and gives me extra money. She goes out of town, FIL comes back for a few days, and my world is shaken up again.
