Husband's Mid-Life Crisis

[addie]

My H is not yet living with OW but left because of EA, now PA. She is a co-worker, single and 20 years younger than him. The EA started mid November and we've been S since mid January. It has all happened so fast. Sometimes I think I'll wake up and realize it has all been a bad dream. I know very well what you are going through. I'm trying to detach more and more - I know how hard it is.
Even if the divorce goes through there is always hope if you decide you still want your M. Your H will come out of his fantasy world at some point but it may be a very long time before he comes to his senses. When you do have contact with him try to be pleasant, no R talk, validate his feelings. There is not much else you can do right now but continue to live your life without him.
Hang in there! You are a wonderful person and your H will realize that.

[happynow]

addie,

I'm so sorry you are going through this & yes I know exactly how you feel!! My H told me on Sept. 6th he wanted a D & I had no ideal anything was wrong. He filed for D the next week, it just moved so fast & he thought I would give in & sell the house & not find out about the OW & we would be D by the end of the year. I did some snooping & found out about her. Then my lawyer got involved & we went after H. I really didn't want to but I had to look out for me. I knew if I had to move out of the house I would go to an apartment & it wasn't safe for me to have to walk my dogs at night by myself. My backyard is fenced in & it is more feasible for me to stay in the house considering the cost of renting these days.

I do hope he will come to his senses & not wait so long because if he waits too long it may be too late. He was the love of my life & I expected to grow old with him. Surely he will wake up soon!! About 3 years ago he took up skydiving & scuba diving so I should have known then what was going on with him, but I just didn't think too much about it & didn't know what to expect with a MLC.

You are a wonderful person yourself & I hope things will work out for you & H. This OW my H is with is about 2 years older than him & had a lot more experience than he has. In fact I saw an email he sent to her & told her she was way out of his league. I'm not exactly sure what that meant but she has him for now. I'm like you & trying to detach. I've done a few things around here that I'm sure he will be surprised when he comes to get his things. I have had to call him a couple of times & will again next week. We have been cordial & I've only talked business with him that we need to deal with. So, I hope I'm handling it ok for now. I'm sure I'm going to fall apart once he gets his things out of the house, I'm so afraid I'll never see him again.

You hang in there also!!! Thank you for being so sweet & giving me advice, you haven't been dealing with this as long as I have but it seem like you are much more knowledgeable than I am & I sure need that advice right now!!!

[addie]

The legal stuff you and H have been going through has put a lot of added stress on your sitch and has probably solidified in his mind some of his reasons for wanting to leave. The WAS will look for any reason to justify their behaviour. Now that most of the legalities are behind you, H can't continue to blame you. Act as if, be pleasant when you see/talk to him, no R talk, etc. Don't give him reasons to continue to justify his actions.

The OW is an addiction. I was reading an article about infidelity and the therapist actually suggests that the unfaithful S, who will not end the A, move in with OP because this will be the beginning of the end of their R. When day to day reality sets in, the fantasy world ends. Your H will have to realize this for himself. He gave up his job and moved to another state for OW. It will only be a matter of time before he starts to resent her.

Keep rereading DR (I've read it many times); read other people's threads - this always helps me, keep posting - someone will respond. But most important, GAL - do things for yourself as you really need some pampering right now.

[kturnernc]

nlt, it has been a while since I posted or checked up on you. Sorry. Anyway, Addie is right. It is usually the unfaithful that end up leaving because they think the grass is greener on the other side. Try to stay positive amid all this crazy times due to the lawyers. My lawyer is kind of a different lawyer. She is part of (from what I have found out) a growing number of 'dispute settlers'. They try and figure out the easiest and most amicable way out of these horrible situations. She warned me that W's law dog was going to try to stretch things out so that it would eat all of W's fee. So far she is right. So, I am firmly convinced that most lawyers are just out to pad their pockets.

But aside from all that, Addie is correct when it was stated that you need to be pleasant and keep away from the R talk. This will just push him further. If you need to vent, vent to us. Try to improve yourself. Think up more things than you have already thought of to do. And more importantly keep positive. Remember, your main driving force is you.

[happynow]

Thank you all so much for checking in on me & giving me this great advice. I had to call H today about bills for this month, he is to finish paying out this month & then start alimony in April. I only got his voice mail & told him about an eye doctors appointment he has this week (obviously he won't make it) but I told him anyway & also the amount of the bills. I was direct, to the point & thanked him, & I did not ask him to call me back or say anything else. Our oldest dog has not been doing too well the last couple of days (will probably take to vet soon) & I really wanted to tell him about it but decided not to that if he wanted to hear he would call & ask me. Am I doing okay??

I'm going to try to plant some flowers around my house & make it look really nice by the time he comes to get his stuff. I worked a lot around the outside so far, some help from my Dad but mostly myself. My Dad is 80 & not able to do a whole lot but at least they are able to drive here & help some. They are 2-3 hours away.

I talked to someone today about a full time job, so that would be nice, not sure if I will get it but at least I'm getting my name out there. I would love to go get a massage, facial & stuff like that so I may try to pamper myself a little, based on your advice.

You know it's really hard, I know I've said this before but I really can't imagine my life without him & here he has moved on... but I can't help it because I just knew we would be together forever. I hope one day he will wake up & soon because if it's not soon it could be too late & I really don't want that right now anyway. Thank you all for being there for me!!!!

[addie]

There are no guarantees in any of this. It may take a long time before H starts to come out of his MLC. Only you can decide whether you will wait or move on.
In any case, you have to focus on yourself because you can't do anything about H. Some of the things you've been doing are great. Treat yourself to some nice things - they'll make you feel a little better. Do you have friends you can get out with every once in a while? Sometimes it's very difficult to continue on but you must for your own sake. Good luck to you, nlt!

[happynow]

Yes, I do have friends that I can get out with some. I have been enjoying being around my house but I know I need to get out more.

I keep praying for my H, I know he has only known this OW since June of last year but he hasn't really known her either because they were so far apart. This is actually the most time they have ever spent with each other. I just keep hoping he will see what she really is & for him to quit his job especially in this day & time with everything that is going on is crazy.

Addie, I hope everything will work out for you & H. It is crazy how people do not take the marriage vows seriously anymore!!! I'm amazed at that, when I took our vows it was for life & no one else would ever be in the picture as far as I was concerned. What has come of this world???

[addie]

It is crazy how people do not take the marriage vows seriously anymore!!! I'm amazed at that, when I took our vows it was for life & no one else would ever be in the picture as far as I was concerned. What has come of this world???

I feel the very same way. It's frightening the way people view M as being so disposable. I've been through a lot with my H but not once have I considered finding anyone else. Even if things don't work out between us, it will be a long time before I consider entering another relationship.

[happynow]

I agree!! My H & I have been through a lot too but I'm like you, I never even consider anyone else!! It is very frightening. I sure hope things will work out between you & your H. Any progress?

I hope my H will be in a better frame of mind when he comes to get his things. I really hope that it will be the beginning of the end with the OW now they are living together. My H & I didn't live together before M, he stayed with me some but we had separate apartments. He used to have moral values, I'm not sure what happened to those. He is doing so many things out of character for him. I talked to one of his college buddies & he couldn't believe it either. He said that doesn't sound like him at all & he would never have gone for a woman who had been M 3 times & who would run after a married man. He usually would say she was trashy. I'm just so surprised at his change & the way he treated me. He was down right hateful. He even cussed me out, I've never heard him talk like that before especially to me. He did apologize for it but waited 3 days later. He was mad because we were going to mediation & it was going to cost so much. That was in January. He blamed me for all of this & said if I had been taking care of my M he would not have gone somewhere else. I really was taking care of him but I guess he didn't see it. I was so devastated when he said all that to me. I do realize this is not my fault but sometimes I still think, what if?

[addie]

It's so common for WAS to do things that are completely out of character. My H also used to have morals, used to go to church every Sunday but I think he's abandoned this for now.
There's been very little progress with my H. There have been many positives but it will be a long haul.

nlt, you have to prepare yourself for the possibility that you may not see any changes in H when he comes to get his things. You have to detach and have no expectations - this way you won't be as devastated if things don't go the way you want.