I am currently separted since Christmas Day. Three months prior to that my wife who is a attourney returned after a 3 weeks business trip and informed me that she did not love me anymore and did not miss me while she was away. We went day to up till Christmas when I left the house angry when she continued to distance herself from me for the three month period. In the beginning I would cry and try to talk to her about the separation and wanted her to go to couseling. The only answers I would get is that she did not know at this time. She has told me that I am too needy and insecure and that she was tired of coming home to stress and is now happier than she has been in a long time now that I am out of the house. I have been going to counseling for about 6 weeks and she still has not mentioned or talked to me about our marriage. I have given her space but it has been extremely difficult. I still take care of the kids everyday afterschool till she gets home and then I leave to be alone in my apartment. She is even taking the kids to Coasta Rica along with her mother and sister without me this spring break. I have stopped persuing her and calling her. She has not reponded to anything that I have tried. If anyone has any ideas please respond. I am scared to bring up talking about us at all for fear of pushing her. I also fear by not confronting this it may be easier for her to move on. I am desparate to save my marriage and keep my family together but even after reading Divorce Remedy...I am afraid that she has already made up her mind but she does not talk to me about us only kids and schedules. She has not mentioned Divorce but in the beginning she only would say if you push me for an answer right now you would not like my answer. It hurts me when I am around her and she appears to act like everything is happy and ok....
You said that she claims your are needy and insecure. Remember you can't control her and nothing you say will change her mind she will only respond to your actions. Respond to her complaints by GAL, Act as if, always be cheery and have a good attitude, give her space, and detach. If you can talk to a coach. She wants a strong and independant man. Work on becoming that man not just for your wife, but more importantly for yourself.
There is a lot of support here. Also see do's and don'ts. DBing requires a lot of patience. She will begin to see the changes in you and you will receive more than you expect out of DBing. Write as much as you need to. Best of luck!!!
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
hi zuma, i am a WAW too and, like your W, i had my mind all made up and was convinced that i needed to be 'free'. H was also afraid to bring the subject out into the open, even after i had told him (in Oct06) that i didn't love him anymore. He also gave me lots of space, took care of the kids, helped in the house etc. and was devastated when i said i wanted to leave (and announced a PA as well) in Jan08.
Now H has a PA too and i'm the one who is devastated - i refused counseling initially and now i would like it and H refuses... i don't know why neither him nor me was able to have a 'real' conversation about our R when i said i didn't love him in autumn06. It could be that your W is in MLC too - i know that i am... not sure i'm much help to you except to say that things can be in a total state of flux and evolve, so hang in there!
Me49-WAW H46 T25 S17D14S10 Sep.jan08,PA,back Apr08,H PA Dec08,end09 New Thread
Thanks for the support. I am trying the 180. Whole family went to the Rodeo all day Saturday and celebrated daughters birthday at the house Sunday. Family had a good time but she only did small talk with me weather etc. Nothing really warm. This morning she did hug me by before leaving for work while I took off and cared for the kids due to spring break. She came home early and is leaving for a vacation tomorrow for the rest of the week with the kids, her mom and sister. I feel left out and hurt because I have been begging her to get away with me for 3 months prior to our separation. She did hug me before I left the house and gave me their itinerary for their trip. I do not know what to expect when they return from this trip. I hope she does some sole searching but it kills me that she is just taking off and having fun with my family without me. I feel betrayed after I have always been there for her and never taken a trip with the girls that did not include her. Thanks for all the support and replys. I am not very good at this 180 thing. I do not know if I should try to talk to her again or really try and move on in hopes that she will take a step forward to save her marriage. I have learned a lot in the last few months and want to share these things with her so we can get on the same page and work together.
zuma, Take heart - please don't be afraid she's made up her mind. I read somewhere that no one is ever 100% sure of their decision to end a M. There is a chance she will change her mind. As you've posted, she no longer brings up divorce PLUS she gave you a hug!!! If she really didn't want to have anything to do with you, she wouldn't want to give you a hug either. If it was me, I wouldn't. I used to be a Walk-away Spouse (in my 1st M). This is my 2nd.
Take note of her complaints of you and work hard on those - to prove to her your changes. And be sure those changes are permanent. She'll know whether they are or not. E.g. get a life doing fun things with other men, or just doing things by yourself. Show you are not needy, etc., by action, without announcing to her what you are doing. Actions speak louder than words. Spelling it out to her might even have a negative impact.
Thanks for the advice. I have been told that by many but it is still hard for me to do.. I will force myself to get involved in other activities by myself.
They left for Vacation without me today and the girls called from the airport to tell me they loved me and will miss me. Then the wife got on the phone and just talk to later and hung up.....I am taking care of the pets while they are gone and went to the house. She left note saying their was a whole pizza left over from the night before in the frig.....???wierd. If I had made up my mind to divorce I would not leave a note like that. She also called frustrated before she left because she could not do our two acre lawn because the riding lawn mower would not star. She stated in a frustrated voice that when I get time I need to get all the lawn equipment working....She kicks me out of my home and then has the nerve to call me for that when she never calls me unless its about the kids....I am getting tired.......Anyway I appreciate all the reponses. When she gets back I am going on a trip for 4 days myself...After that I am going to tell her she has to make arranagements on Tues and Thursdays and I will take up Guitar lessons, bowling or golf........and see what happens with that. My counselor has suggested I do this...It will be hard to do because I really love my kids and will miss being there for them everyday...but I dont see any other way of getting her to feel the real world of being without me and being a single mom.
She stated in a frustrated voice that when I get time I need to get all the lawn equipment working....She kicks me out of my home and then has the nerve to call me for that when she never calls me unless its about the kids
I understand your frustration. What would you think of using this to the advantage of your M - by doing a really good job of mowing the lawn and surprise her??? Would she be taken aback and be impressed by your sincere effort and your cheerfulness in doing it? Doing it quietly? Would this be a good 180 for you?
