OK, This party is not a divisory issue between W & I even thought it may sound like it.
W has no problem with me attending the party and she has no problem with me taking D6 with me. She has just made it clear she doesn't want to attend. I mentioned it again to day and before we could discuss it W just said "There is no point in me going" and changed the subject. So I'm going to leave it at that. I on the other hand am obligated to attend as I am the childs Great-uncle (I love that title) and I am also a nominated guardian (god parent in religious terms).
The disappointing fact is that both W and I attended the hospital when the child was first born, we also visited her when she was first brought home by her mother (my niece). We both attended the childs naming ceremony (civil christening ) and we both attended her first birthday party last year. So I think W not wanting to attend is still linked to not wanting to face up people she perceives to have an opinion on our sitch.
The irony now is that W has been invited to a surprised birthday party for the big boss at her work place and is really keen for me to attend with her. Now the old me would have said *** you, you skip my party I skip yours, but I'm done with all that tit for tat stuff.
But if I may vent for a while, it does pee me off when I see W is not prepared to bend, but sometimes I have to bend like a palm tree in a hurricane to keep us on track. This on top of her still talking to me like I'm a piece of cr*p when the alien fleetingly appears, and me not getting any sex, and how easily she gave it up for OM, then me thinking about all of the other things she's done. Then it's easy to see how can fall back into old dysfunctional habits.
Ok I'm gonna sit down take some deep breaths and think nice calm thoughts.
Lan.....listen to me, sweetie. You don't understand. The party at work and the party with your family and relatives is completely different! I told you, I have been in her shoes and I am telling you that the "in-law" suddenly becomes the "out-law"! At least that is how she feels right now. This is your great-niece....not hers. It is your family....not hers. I know, I know, when she married you, she married your family...well, that's what some think, but believe you me when that in-law (she) walks away from the family (you) she becomes the out-law and she knows it. Give it time, Lan. And don't be so immature that you start playing those games....tit for tat. B/c they don't pay off and your M will be back on the rocks worse than before. I know you were just letting off steam and I am counting on you to be the man I believe you are and swallow this disappointment and give her what she has asked for this time. It is another type of "space" that she needs. It will be very important for you to go with her to her party. Why? What's the difference? B/c you are showing hersupport by going with her to her company party. No relatives and emotional ties involved. The other party was all about you and your relatives. You may ask, "well, isn't this company party about her and her co-workers?" It isn't the same. Family is not included here....big, big difference. She feels she will be judged by your family and you won't be judged by her co-workers. She knew she would feel like an outcast in your family.....even though you don't agree and just know your family would not treat her any different.....if I may just inject this...neither did my H think that about his family...but they did, sweetie, and it hurt like hell. So, don't do that to her. You may even feel a little uncomfortalbe at her company's party or around her co-workers and friends, but hey, you are the man here, right? Right! We females are helpless little creatures and you men have big stones!
So now, don't treat her any differently since she isn't going with you. Please don't pout or sull up or any of those things you men do that we women just hate! If you want to gain some valuable ground with your W and in your M, be just as sweet and nice and supportive as if she had been there with you at the party all the time. And....this is important, let her know now that you plan to attend her party with her. Don't keep her waiting for your answer and dont' you dare throw it up into her face that you will go with her even though she isn't going with you! (Now you know, I'm just playing "Mamma" here with ya! I know you wouldn't do that!)
I truly believe it will make a huge difference. Plus, by telling her now that you have thought it over and you will go with her to her party and that you don't expect her to feel that she has to "trade-off" by going with you to the family party.....she will begin to look forward to that and be in a good mood and happy (which is good for everyone) and she will relax about the family party stuff. Who knows, she may even change her mind after you do that....but don't hold your breath in case she doesn't, b/c I don't think she will...this time around. It is too soon for her, but there will be other family functions. There will be a time after the M is stronger that she must attend with you and that is the time that you must be the man of steel, but this time is the time to be the man of velvet. Don't throw around any warnings or threats.....just do what you need to do and be the man you need to be. This is not whimping out! This is proving your love and patience.
BTW, be sure to defend her if any of your relatives should say anything negative about why she did not attend the party. That is so important that they know you stand behind her (even if you do feel like kicking her all the way there). When you return home and if she asks about it, just tell her everyone missed her and asked how she was doing....or something nice to say. Don't allow her to "trap" you into telling something negative...if there was something. If there was some negative stuff said, just get busy doing something else with her to get her mind off of it. You might even have something planned in advance (lol).
Glad you are coming here to vent to us instead of her.
Take care.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
No matter what I think or say to the contrary I think this is how W feels, so I'm gonna let this issue drop, it no big deal and I'm not gonna mention it again.
Regarding the work's party W is actually the one who in dithering on whether to go or not, if she does decide to go I'll be there, no question about that. I think what I was trying to show was how I used to react to situations like this (you go to my party, I go to yours). I wasn't using this as a bartering tool or anything like that in this case.
Anyway I had to let off a bit of steam cos sometimes I feel that W is in M to see what happens, rather than is in it to make something happen. Just a bit of frustration catching up with me, that's all.
I can understand that completely, sweetie. You keep coming here to vent. Better here than to her. I know you feel that you are doing all the hard work on the M, but since I've kind of been on the other side of the fence, I think I can feel for her as well. Although there may not seem to be that much evidence on the outside....I think things are happening on the inside of your W. So, don't give up. You know we are here for you.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Lan, When I went to a reunion of my family at Christmas my SIL thoughtfully sent W a small gift thru' the kids with a card saying "We missed you". Maybe something like this would help repair the damaged heat shield of the old alien spacecraft(W) before reentry into the at(M)osphere of planet Lan.
I don't think Sandi need worry; you are a BIG boy now and you have shown so much resilience loving your W! But its good to get the female perspective; I think women really resonate with each other's feelings; their antennas pick up stuff we DAMs can't. I've been eavesdropping on conversations in cafes and public places and its interesting to hear young women talk to each other; mostly its about feelings and relationships and they so easily strike a chord.
Me-48, W-38 M14, D11, S7 W filed D 01/07 W had to move out 06/07 Current Thread
Some things are working in my favour I've not had time to list them all.
But of all the upcoming events W is very excited about my night out with my new friends which has now turned in to a date for W & I. She said in a very girly way that this will be our first night out together in a long time. and left a big pause at the end of it. I think she was hinting at somthing but I won't get my hopes up. She is already showing me the outfits she wants to wear, we've whittled it down to 2 possibilities from 5 or 6 probables. Helping a woman chose an outfit is sooo much easier when you know how to validate.
W was then on at me to buy a new shirt, and not just any shirt but something from the upmarket shops. She wants me (in her words) to take pride in my appearance, cos all my new friends will be dressed that way. Not so, and this led to a bit of a discussion about how much money I should spend on cloths. We ended up agreeing on something, and I thanked W for the shirts she'd brought for me in the past cos now I fully understand the sentiment behind them. W said she was my wife and she was entitled to buy me shirts to make me look smart. W always used to buy my clothes and without too much appreciation from me.
So with all the talk of family disharmony, the week ends on a positive note for me.
Lan
PS Quote: "she was my wife and ...." A hundred thoughts ran through my mind when I heard this but I just hung onto the positive ones.
That sounds very positive to me. Looks like things are looking up.
Women do like to talk about feelings and reltationships and are usually more perceptive about things than men (no offense) and that is my LL and it certainly is not my H's so we have always had a problem there. Glad you do listen, though, and I have such high hopes for you two.
Take care....and you do good on that date night.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Just after the bomb I used to phone her to try and find out what was going on, or what W was up to, but I eventually learnt my lesson and stopped calling cos I always ended up feeling bad about my sitch after I spoke to her. Anyway I avoid talking to her if I can or if she gets through to me I avoid discussing the sitch with her as best I can. I know W has confided in her so she's got both sides of the story, certainly the sordid side from W. But I've also noticed W doesn't phone her as much from home now things have calmed down.
Last phone call from b/f to me was end of December, when she phone to say I was silly for snooping on W, (which was true) but sometimes it the little bits of info she drops into the conversation that I try to ignore but sometimes takes on a bit of relevance. Like at that time she told me W was still adamant she didn't want the M, but she had said a couple of positive things about us.
Well today b/f got through to me at work, first asking how I was and then she was fishing for info. I was skirting around the subject, then she fired off her question a point blank range. "So have you forgiven W then" I said no, W and I are just getting on. "So you're just gonna start afresh without saying anything to W about the A". Well I tried to explain to her that I don't need to know the details, if W wants to talk she will, if she doesn't well that up to her. She said it sounded like I was just letting W get away with things. I then tried to explain I wasn't just forgiving and forgetting, (and you know how much I discussed forgiving on here) but she kept saying that she couldn't understand my position, the fact that I've been hurt by W and I'm not discussing things or retaliating.
Anyway I managed to end the conversation, But it just left me feeling a bit flat again. I had gotten rid of the urge for R talks, I'm not too hung up on how, if or whether to forgive W. I don't feel the need know more than I know, if she's still talking to OM or not. But all of this got churned up in me again. Is W taking me for a ride or are we really piecing. I don't know now. Anyway I think I just need to take some deep breaths, calm and try to ignore this conversation.
Lan
PS: I'm not going home to do anything silly, I'm just taking each day as it comes.
Just after the bomb I used to phone her to try and find out what was going on, or what W was up to, but I eventually learnt my lesson and stopped calling cos I always ended up feeling bad about my sitch after I spoke to her.
Hi Lan, My W also has a g/f she hangs out with a lot. Tho' she was nice and I valued her feedback I sensed W didn't want me talking to her. There was another g/f whom I respected even more and I got the same impression. My naive purpose for calling them was to try to influence W (counter to OM and other bad pennies) and keep the contact going and they were somewhat receptive initially. But I sensed these b/f's loyalty was with W so I stopped talking to them and have had to contain my urge/curiosity/pain/rejection. Seems to me the ladies have this strong natural tendency to resonate with their own kind while we hurt and just have to put up with it which makes it all the more daunting. They may say/think "She was hurting so much that the A is understandable" ... which makes you feel more like c*%p! The last time I talked to these g/f's was about a year ago!
Anyway one other thought is that perhaps W set up the g/f to call you because she wants to hear a reaffirming "forgiveness" message? Better to send the messages by your actions rather than your words. At any rate I wanted to convey that I understand how you feel and just hang on for the ride until W gets the message; she may actually break down and say she's sorry at some point down the road and that may be the best time for your words of forgiveness.
Me-48, W-38 M14, D11, S7 W filed D 01/07 W had to move out 06/07 Current Thread
Divorce Remedy Chapter 1. Well meaning Family and friends, this chapter definitely applies to W bf. In her own way she feels she is trying to mend the R for W & I. but it doesn't work. The advice she has given me has ranged from verbally abuse W to get a reaction from her to get out of the M before the pain gets too much. She's given W similar wide ranging advice.
I think she called today cos I've not given her any hints since the start of the year and I think W has been holding back during the same period, so b/f has gone mega curious cos she usually gets bits of info from one side and drops in on the other.
Anyway just reading you last post has straightened me out for the evening.
