I just want to make it better. . .

[seekpeaceofmind]

I'm ok - no real changes, not much access to the internet, reading as much as I can to focus on getting perspective and moving forward. I'm thinking about how we got to this point and I am coming to the conclusion that H just can't/won't deal with issues. He thinks his life will be better if he doesn't have emotional involvement. In some ways, where we are now is a 180 for me - the only one I think is available to me now in terms of how I interact with H. During M, I would fight and argue and push to get him engaged. It was so frustrating. Now, for many months, I have stayed quiet while he has pulled further and further apart. I have not pursued and I have not expressed my own needs. Still, he moves further away - I really don't think he will turn back.

So, I have been trying to learn what it means to "let go". I had an insight the other night in that divorce class. I have been thinking of letting go in terms of my attachment to H and M - that I need to let go of that attachment. Then, I finally realized that letting go might be something that happens on a more spiritual level. I have mentioned before a quote that says mastery in life is the ability to let go. I think this is less about the past and more about not trying to control and dictate the terms of the future. Living in the present and trusting that things will be as they should be. I'm not articulating it very well, but, something like that. . .