My trip was wonderful. Not so much the trip itself, but all the things I realized while on the trip. For the past few days, I've wanted to bottle up how I'm feeling so I can keep it for when I'm down.
I realized:
- I love my H and our M and what we had - I don't need anyone to make me happy - I'm content with my life as it is - OF is good as exactly that and I don't see a future with him - if H has found love with ogre, who am I to say she's wrong for him - I'm ready for a D but am still going to follow my 2 year timeline
Our 7 year anniversary was during my trip. H messaged me that day, asking how boys were. When I didn't reply (only because I didn't see the message), he called twice (I missed both calls). I called him back right away and he asked the same question. I told him what a great time we were having (we really were and were all in a great mood when he called). He told me that he cleared a credit card for me and that I could use it, giving me a very generous budget. I said ok and thanked him. I used the card, but for only a fraction of the amount he suggested because that's all I needed it for. Anyway, no mention of anniversary, but I found it funny that he called that day, especially since last time I was there for 3 months combined, he didn't call a single time. Plus, he could have easily messaged me about the credit card.
After we landed and got our bags, I headed straight towards the taxi stand. It wasn't until S5 asked how we were getting home that I realized I didn't look for or even wish H was there to pick us up. S5 was disappointed and said 'Oh, I wanted Daddy to pick us up'. I told him 'Daddy doesn't do those things for us anymore. A taxi will be fun.'
Got another message from H today asking me to say hi to the boys for him, that he was out of town, and that he'll call when he gets back. I replied 'Hi back...'
2 years of S is only 4 short months away. Will I extend it again when the time comes? I have no idea. I can see me pushing it another 6 months, but then again, I don't really see the point of doing that. I'm ready to keep going. I don't want to be tied to this drama and dysfunction any longer than necessary. I don't want to remain in this sitch for so long that it becomes normal to me (like it is in his family).
Even though I've never come even close to running in a marathon, I imagine it feels like getting your second wind towards the end of the race, after you've pushed through all the fatigue and wanting to quit. Now, I'm determined to just cross the finish line - not really to finish the race, but to see what lies ahead for me.
My new favorite quote that I read somewhere while I was away is:
In the end, everything will be ok. If it's not ok, then it's not the end. - Anonymous
