thanks mink. im going to buy to notebooks tonight and give one to my w THIS WEEKEND IM GOING TO TELL HER IF SHE FEELS ANY NEGATIVE FEELINGS PUT IT IN THE NOTEBOOT TO TALK ABOUT AT mc BUT LETS JUST HAVE FUN
well so far this weekend has been very painfull. the firt day i ran into some friends i used to work with at a bar and when I talked loud she cornered me afterwords and told me that when i talked loud it scared her and was a huge turn off. so i told her thank you and tried to move on...
the next day we went shoping for 4 hours. this was also painfull because she kept asking me what i likes to see on her, and then she woule explain how her new sala partner ( a guy she meet through a friend...saposedly just another friend) will like this to. thats just to damn much. its like shes punishing me, and i dont deserve that. well last night two of our friends stop by and she offers to give one a back rub. my wife hasent touched me in 4 months and to see her giving this guy a back run in a bikkini top whiloe i was in the next bed just killed me. all i want is to feel a little loved even for a moment. this was going to be a reconnect weekend but so far its been a weekend of her punishing me and stringing me along Im trtying to act as if and have a PMA. I realise that love is forgivness. i just was to at least feel a little inportent to my wife. im fighting for a memory. and im losssing hope.
Oh and i forgot then when ever i saw something like " fine ill do my own thing and walk away she just shrugs her shoulders and dosent care. it feels like in just a nice little slave to grabe her stuff and tell her how nioce she looks but i could die tommorow and she wouldnt notice. even a hand hold would be a blessing but thats to much.
You and i are in the same exact boat. I read your sitch and it is just like mine. I don't know about you but I am running out of Patience. Not good. I deserve so much more man. I just feel so bad for my kids.
W tells me she feel nervious around me. i cant win, she just left fot a old job site to catch up with some friends. im left behind because she needs a time out from me. i guess last night in the hotel pool when our friends and her were playing i grabbed her to rough and now shes scared of me. i cant belive some of this is real. i just cant take it any more. i miss her and to have her so close, under the pretence of trying to work on our marrage, and to have her do nothing but push me away...
I think that I am caught up on your sitch. Please accept my thoughts in context to your sitch and understand that I will not personally attack you but your methods. Ok?
Me thinks that you need to really decide why you are trying to save your marriage. I have decided through my seperation and problems in my marriage, being on this board, and seeing marriages break apart in front of my own eyes that there are usually only 2 reasons why we fight for our marriages: 1) Love/committment/trust 2) Ego
I can not get a good feel on your posts which you are and I don't want to type cast you, but I am friendly with a lot of police officers as I train and raise K9's and I can tell you that my experience is that PO's typically fall into the second catagory in that it becomes about ego for them. What I mean is that they don't want the marriage to end because THEY don't want it to end, not because they are deeply in love or committed with their partner.
With you I can quite figure where you are, but I can tell you that you have some egoistic comments in your posts that scare me into thinking that you are further away from saving your marriage than you might think!
So what do you do????
Me thinks that you need to forget everything you think that you know about marriage and relationships! You need to understand too that she is scared, frusterated, confused, in love, and timid. She is absolutely in control of your situation and there is nothing you can do about it...UNLESS....
You change your thoughts about your marriage right now! In reading all I can about DB'ing and spending countless hours on this board I have come to realize that there is a pattern to every save, this is not to say that following this advice will put you back together again but I think that your chances will be better.
First thing you need to do is drive your ego out of the equation. You need to remember that you are part of a couple, a team, a partnership. She needs a partner in much the same way that you need one on the street from time to time. She needs you to support her no matter what!!!!!! So that is lesson one in Hound's book Affirm everything!
If she is nervous around you then accept it, tell her that she is right and listen to why. Then change to make sure that you can have that time with her. If she tells you that you are a heartless jerk, tell he you agree and listen to why and how you can change. It matters not why you think that she is wrong, if you want to save your marriage you need to affirm. My wife and I were talking about that over the weekend as we came to a conclusion that she realized that she was being crazy during the seperation but my affirmation of her crazyness lightened things up and allowed her to put down her guard. She now realizes that some of that stuff she said was crazy, but she believed it at the time.
"i miss her and to have her so close" - do you have to have her close because you need her to support some missing link in your ego or because you love her so much? Either way the answer is the same - you are a cop, you defend th public good from all the bad guys in the world right? Yet on the flip you seem to be needy and controlling (disclaimer - I could be so wrong about this as I am just going off of your psosts). If I am right about that thought, what do you think she thinks when she is creating a picture of you in her head?
Does she see a hero whom defends the public, would jump in front a bullet for her, all while savinig a kitten from a tree? Or does she see a man who is loud, scary, and controlling? Right now the truth does not matter - only the perception. When you are on patrol and you see a guy with a mask and a bag with a $ on it after hearing that a bank was just robbed what do you think? Her perception is the image that she has of you and her marriage not YOUR marriage. Forget for a moment that 5LL's because I am not sure that is what you need right now.
You need to listen to what her perception of HER marriage is and see how it relates to your marriage and then figure out how to build a marriage that works for both of you. AFFIRMATION!!!!
I know how you feel, early in my posts I see myself talking about how painful certain things were for ME. I never considered the reverse. Once I began to affirm I started to see our marriage differently. I began to listen to her even when she was guarded in her comments.
Fish was the freaking king of failure at that lesson... go back and look at his posts and you will see that she was talking and he would not listen for anything. He let his ego work his ears because he thought he knew what she wanted. Same for you, it seems like you think you know what she wants. It hurts when she comes and gets stuff from the pantry... WHY?
It hurts to have her come get stuff from the pantry because it is against YOUR perception. What's the big deal? Giver her the beans, vanilla, and oil and buy some more. She was there for a reason and it had nothing to do with the pantry. I am sure if you replay that event there were some verbal clues that she was giving that you missed because you are listening with your EGO and not your heart!
Part of this affirmation process is acceptance of your situation! You are closer to divorce than R. You are closer to a major change in your life than you realize. You need ot accept the reality of where you are today! You are seperated and almost divorced. It may be because she is being unreasonable, it could be because you are being unreasonable, or it could be because a million other reasons. To save it, if you want to you need to decide why! If you choose to save it because of your love for one another and your committment to your wife I applaud you. If you decide to save it because it is comfortable to your ego you may get back together with your wife, but I would bet that it wont be for long.
If you want me to post me send me a message!
Good Luck Marc!
Me: 33 jacka** whom lied, stole, cheated, and basically treated DW like crap for years DW: 29 kind soul who gave too much to me over the relationship
S7 S4
M: 7yrs Bomb: 10/19 Seperated: 10/24
The worst reconciliation is better than the best divorce
Great post houndfan. Thanks for the insight into what you see among police officers. There's a couple of us cop wives on here.
Marcum, what I don't get is why your wife told you that you scared her. Where is she getting this from? Have there been situations where she had been truly scared of you? She said you scared her when you talked loud to your friends, or grabbed her too rough. I know she's mentioned that she thinks you have anger issues. I'm assuming things escalate when there's an arguement. I'm NOT assuming DV, but like with my husband, there's yelling, and just plain anger in our arguements. I think that she's trying to tell you something, because she mentioned it more than once this weekend. What she's trying to tell you, I don't know. Just something to think about.
Sorry your weekend didn't go well. But, I think there's something to be gained from it. Listen, as houndfan said, to what your wife is trying to tell you.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
in one of my posts i stated i grabbed her forarm once to stop her from getting behind the wheel of a car a nd a bruise formed. her friends convinced her that this was DV. i asked her if she thought i ment to hurt her, and she said it didnt matter. if anyone checked out my myspace they would see im a 4oo pound strongman competetor. it was truley a accsident,. nothing happened the 6 years prior and nothing has happned the 7 months since. she has said everything she can to hurt me this weekend. and i dont get mad, so im unsure were she gets this fear. i just get realy sad. I am a big guy who has talked loud since we first started dateing, but now its to much. she says things like:
my heart dosent belong to you i dont know how or if you fit in my life you scare me friends i dont get mad, i get quiet and tell her i see how she feels. she told me she was going to base our future on how this weekend went. i told her i understood her wasnting a sign, but as we havent spent the night together since December, basing our future on three days together might be unfair to both of us. i told her i understand she needs space, and im clingy right now. so lets just keep thing on her pace
she keeps getting phonecalls from a guy she met near were she lives now. she dosent think i notice that when she gets them she quick delets the contact from her phone. im trying to turn off thre cop in me and not assume anything...
Hound please keep responding. i am trying not to let my ego take over. sometimes she does hurt me and i cant help but cry. i dont yell, i dont accuse, i cry. i love my wife deeply and what i ment by haveing her close was she was sleeping in the bed next to mine, and i had zero contact. i miss her. i understand she is hurting and timid ( i whish i knew if she loved me a little) i just need to be her buddy and re-earn her as a wife. its hard to shut out my want for love as well. She is my best friend and i cant even openly talk to her because, just like the board says, she clams up unless she brings it up.
she did tell our friends she was hanging with that she is seeing changes and likes what she sees, but how does she know they wont change back. so all i can do is take it slow and hang on one day at a time. im trying to strike that balasnce of not clingy but helpfull, and i havent found it yet. i realise im acting a little puppy dog around her, in im going to stop that. i cant detach as thats not what she seems to want either, but i can step beck a little.
if she is seeing someone else i dont know if i can continue, as whats the point? i cant re-earn her if she is dedicating time to a new man, can I? i realise that new relationjships have a mystery that old ones dont. guys im sorry for being whisy washey. but i miss her. she has been my friend for so long that her departur from our relationship has left me without my best friiend. shes diffent and cold to my puppy dog niceness. both of use are acting extreem and we need to become more normal in our interactions. by normal i mean less anxiety from her and less longing from me. keep the help coming folks Marcum
You need to realize that there are great changes that she is going through right now. Again, you need to discount what you think is right and really pay attention to what she is telling you. As far as OM is concerned, if it is that bothersome to you that it would cause the end of your marriage then you need to make a sound decision and work with it. However, some of us have been through that before and while it sucks, you can decide to work through it should you continue to try to save your marriage.
I am wondering if she is not trying to reach out to you in some way, but you are missing it?
Hmmmm.....
Me: 33 jacka** whom lied, stole, cheated, and basically treated DW like crap for years DW: 29 kind soul who gave too much to me over the relationship
S7 S4
M: 7yrs Bomb: 10/19 Seperated: 10/24
The worst reconciliation is better than the best divorce
