Sandi's Here in Piecing from Almost WAW

[sandi2]

wow!

[ann25]

Hey Sandi -

So glad to hear that things are looking up... Hopefully, now that you have an AD that appears to be doing it's job, you'll have even more good days and even more chances at getting body and mind aligned! Patience is key. I think it will only get better from here.

It's funny that you say about having a life long partner and how you know after all this time that he will be there for you... That's probably the only reason that has constantly kept me fighting for my M. There have been times when it all seems like just too much work, but then I'll be sitting on the couch in my jammies, watching one of my silly girlie shows, eating ice cream and I think about whether or not I really want to throw away the last 10 years of getting to this point with my H just because things aren't progressing as quickly as i'd like. Do I really want to go from a place where he knows my flaws and strengths and loves me anyways (even if he doesn't show it well) to starting from scratch alone... That and when I'm driving home in the afternoon and my D3 says something like "can we just go see daddy now..." that gets me every time!

take care...

[sandi2]

Thanks Ann,

You know, I was thinking today about when this stuff all started with me......and like I have said to others, you can't go and mark it on the calendar, but I look back just last year and wonder what what I thinking? That is why I believe I did enter some type of crises......call it whatever you want....MLC or not, it was a crises for me and my H and family! I know I was no more myself than anything. I did not think or act like myself. I ,,,,,,,,,oh no use in going on about that....just thankful that I am coming out more and more as time goes by. I think I am through, but I don't want to be too confident and "fall from grace" again. I never would have thought I would have done it the first time around either!

It does make me understand how people feel that go through this horrible thing in their life, whether they are in their 20's or 60's.......it is just awful. I don't remember hearing about things like this when I was a kid and I think it has to do with the condition that our society is in today and all the pressure that is placed on us an individuals and as M partners, parents, employees/employers....on & on. We try to get involved in too many things and have our kids in way too many activities (thinking we are being a good parent, but it is just taking them away from our time with them). You know, after a while, something has to give.......usually it is the M. B/c we are unhappy and that seems to be the backbone of the MR breakdown.

I wasn't in all those extra activities growing up, nor were my parents....but we were home together every night, sitting around the dinner table talking about our day. Then Mother and I would clean the kitchen and later we all met in the front room and watched TV together or played a game. Of course, people didn't have computers in home then, or even a TV in every room of the house. So, things were quite different. I know I sound old fashion, but it's okay, I would not have traded those years of growing up with what kids have today. All they really want (in spite of what they yell out....are both parents at home with them).

I am certainly not against women working (if that is what they want to do), and I am most certainly for equal rights in the salary and job placement, etc. However, I was afraid when I saw so many young mothers undertake careers and homes and parenting...the "supermom" era.....lots of breakdowns from all of that. You can just spread so thin.

I am rambling b/c it breaks my heart to read over and over again almost the same stories. Have you noticed that? They vary little. Men and women are thrown together in the workforce more so now than ever before and I have noticed that the younger folks don't see anything wrong with their S having friendships with the opposite sex (without the S included). However, I can tell them that trouble is waiting to happen whenever they start that.

Well, just talking and thinking outloud today. Thanks, Ann, you've been a good frined.

Sandi

[lostlove]

Men and women are thrown together in the workforce more so now than ever before and I have noticed that the younger folks don't see anything wrong with their S having friendships with the opposite sex (without the S included). However, I can tell them that trouble is waiting to happen whenever they start that.


Sandi

Hi Sandi,

I think the important part of your statement is the "without the s included". THAT is when the trouble begins whether the new friend is male or female. Yes partners should have their own friends and their own lives but I believe a w or h should know who the friends are and at least spend some time with them. Having friends of the opposite sex can be a benefit to the m if handled correctly and not treated as a secret, something to hide, something taboo etc. I can talk with my female friends about my m and they'd all typically see it my way...talk to a male friend and I may just be given a different perspective, a different way of viewing things that may just be what I need to feel better about my m. Of course it could also backfire if that male friend had alterior motives but then they wouldn't be a friend would they.

I've been reading some of your posts and I admire your strength and determination to rebuild your m. I'm ready to give up myself but it seems like it's been longer and with more issues for me.

LL

[Forrest Gump]

Ok I said I was gonna read it and I gave it my best shot.

Now I am more confused than ever.

I am sorry my brain is small. I can only consume 1-2 things at a time.

So lets just whittle this down.

Sandi2 posts. I read the first one. I know I did. Some people posted. Ok got that. I seem to remember I did not post on the first go round. I ran across something you posted to Littlebitlost. Actually I still have the first draft here. Lets just go with you were wrong. I understand that. Again understand I focus on what I can relate to. I never expected you to understand where I was coming from. I never faulted you for being wrong. I understand not everyone will get me. I am ok with that. If you do not I may call you out. If I do not post/respond/talk to you then rest assured.. Its all good with me.

So we are done with that.

What I saw, from the first post you made till the posting here, was someone talking about me. I understand that people come here trying for a fix. Me and you came here for the exact same reason. What I have missed is where does the OM (Husband) play into this. Now notice that I put Husband in "" right after OM. There is some significance to that. I truly feel you should name your computer "Big C." If you don't like that name that is ok. You can name it whatever you like. I really like "Big C" because it ties into my fantasy world. I fully expect you not to get it. Not because you are "dumb" but because you are ill informed.

When I see your name (Sandi2) it draws up a song. I think Alan Jackson wrote it. Its called "I wanna talk about me." I am usually really good about music but if I got it wrong, please, somebody correct me.

Now this song talks about a man and a woman going on a date. Now understand she is a WAW in the making. The DAM (Alan) eventually just says "I wanna talk about me!" Now being a country song it all works out. Yea, not real life.

So what I am saying is that sometimes I don't see "life" in you. What I connect with is when people show themselves here. They talk about the effect this is having on "their" life. I just never got that from you. All I saw was you. After 2-3 years it should be "your" life. Does that make sense?

Now I just want to say... I may never be able to post and help you. Some just won't get me. I never want you to stop posting. While I disagree with some stuff, I would still point out the good in what you have to say.

I just wish at times I knew who you really were. You have so many excuses. 9 out of 10 times I just feel tired reading your posts. I just want you to understand that thru it all I want the La-Z-Boy rocking when you roll out. How can I not want that for you. I am P-guy 110%.

I tell everyone here.. You post. You got my vote. It becomes "you job" to fix it. That plain. That simple. I can't talk to anyone else. What you are doing/have done is not working. Happy you are in a better place but still. I am left wanting from way over here.

You shine thru at times and that is when I see who you are. I do not dislike you at all. I just feel like if I laid out what I saw it would become a "Excuse Fest".

I understand you have walked thru life "wanting". So has he. I just don't know if I have the answers to help you find it.

As fate would have it I want you to start posting his thoughts for me. Gimme his perspective from yours. You can slip them in. Just show me something. I know its there. I just can't see what I am "missing" yet.

[sandi2]

Forrest, what in the Sam Hill are you talking about?

What I saw, from the first post you made till the posting here, was someone talking about me.

When I see your name (Sandi2) it draws up a song.

I don't know what the deal with my name is......someone else had the name Sandi also...so I had to be Sandi2, that's all.

What I have missed is where does the OM (Husband) play into this. Now notice that I put Husband in "" right after OM. There is some significance to that. I truly feel you should name your computer "Big C." If you don't like that name that is ok. You can name it whatever you like. I really like "Big C" because it ties into my fantasy world. I fully expect you not to get it. Not because you are "dumb" but because you are ill informed.

Now, this blew me out of the water b/c I haven't the slightest idea of what you mean. Are you talking about my husband, my computer, or the OM I had an EA with???? No, I am not dumb but I am very confused. I am through with OM/EA! My H comes home, eats, and passes out on the couch. and then I come to the computer and check into DB Board....just in case there might be a couple out there somewhere that I can say, "Listen to what happen to us....you don't want to end up like this!" (Does that make you feel better?)

So what I am saying is that sometimes I don't see "life" in you. What I connect with is when people show themselves here. They talk about the effect this is having on "their" life. I just never got that from you. All I saw was you. After 2-3 years it should be "your" life. Does that make sense?

Ahhh....no, it doesn't make a lick of sense to me. I have not been here 2-3 years. I have talked about my life and the effects the events over the years have taken on it. I have not talked about it all at one time or all in one forum, but over a period of time to the many people I have responded to with my suggestions. I have given them parts of my story (or my life). I have been as honest as I know how and have shown myself, and my H, and our M, the best way I can, so if you can't see "me".....then I'm sorry but I don't know what else to do. But then you turn around and say

All I saw was you

. Make up your mind, will ya?

Sometimes I still think you must get me confused with another person.....maybe that other Sandi girl. In fact, I think there was about three Sandi girls at once.

You refered to something the last time you wrote me that I never said and didn't know where you came up with the idea you had. I ased you to explain, but you never replied. Now, you are out in deep waters again.

I just wish at times I knew who you really were.

Well, I'm sorry, but I have spoke as plainly as I know how to without giving my personal data sheet.

You have so many excuses. 9 out of 10 times I just feel tired reading your posts. I just want you to understand that thru it all I want the La-Z-Boy rocking when you roll out.

Well, now Forrest, I could let that hurt my feelings (but I won't), b/c I have worked very hard over the four decades of M without very much help or encouragement from my "other half" what-so-ever! Anyone that knows me and knows him....also knows the truth! So, if I appear to be "lazy" to you....then that is your POV. If it seems that I just use excuses....then that is the way you are seeing it. In my POV, I am trying to explain myself or let others see who "I really am" (didn't you want to know?). Others have seen me as being strong and determined in spite of my disease and in spite of the depression and in spite of not having any help or encouragement on the home front. You say you don't see life in me.....I have not retired from public work even if I can't do very much to have a real "life". I have not retired b/c we cannot live on what my H makes (oh, sorry, an excuse, I suppose). Believe me, if I could.....I would in a second b/c it is pure hell every single morning going through the pain of getting out of bed and dressing for the day. I have to take so many pills to just be able to walk, move about, and to try to function throughout the daytime--that by the time I do make it back home, I collapse into that "lazy-boy recliner" you like to talk so much about me needing "to roll out of". I am about the most non-lazy person you would ever meet, Forrest, but, I am not physically able to do what I once did or what I would love to be able to do now! You can call it an excuse or you can say that I am "lazy", but until you have walked in my shoes.......don't go there with me b/c you don't know what you are talking about. I bet you wouldn't tell somebody that had cancer that they were just lazy or they were full of excuses and it made you tired reading their posts! Oh no! That would be curel. Well, that is how you have made me feel that you are being toward me. I have FM/CFS,chemical depression, and a back with massive nerve damage that keeps me in pain 24/7, so I offer no excuses to you or anyone else! I deal with what I have to deal with. I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me, but I don't appreciate people saying I am full of excuses when they don't have a glimpse of what I endure on a daily basis. I have cried for hours at a time b/c I am not physically able to do what I once did for my H, family, and church. But trust me...it is not due to laziness!

I don't have any plans to stop posting. Unless, of course, I start getting this crap all the time from others. I told DomR that I was through with him! And I meant it. If I make you so tired, then you don't have to read my post. It is certainly not my intentions of pulling anyone down! I left SSM forum b/c I did not want to go there to begin with....DomR kept pushing me to move my thread over there and when I didn't do it in the alloted time he decided I should, then he had the audacity to acutally start one for me! If you don't believe me, go back and look far enough and you'll find it. So, I went, but then I left b/c nobody really knew what else to say. I felt it was time, so I went back to Piecing....which is where I wanted to be! I didn't think most people could help my situation when I went there, but I was trying to cooperate. Who knew....maybe a miracle would happen! My H probably won't ever be able to have sex again b/c of his health and the meds he is on. After 22 years of him sleeping alone, I am use to sleeping by myself, and even though I miss the closeness, I doubt he will ever change. Oh, sorry, more excuses. But, I don't see it as "excuses"......I see it as trying my very best to tell it how it is! Nothing more, nothing less....just facts. If you see it as an excuse...so be it. That is what my H chose.....not me....that is what he wants to continue to do, so, he can do that and I will not nag him about it. I have made my case before him and he chooses not to comply, so I will let it alone and make do as I have for over the past 2 decades.

As fate would have it I want you to start posting his thoughts for me. Gimme his perspective from yours. You can slip them in.

Well, I just tried to do that, Forrest. I have tried throughout all of the posts that I have replied to one person or the other while I have been on board. If you missed it or didn't "get it", I'm sorry. I have to half guess as to what my H's perpsectives are.....always did, always will.

So, I have vented enough. You did not hurt my feelings, but you did get my blood pressure up a bit. I still think you have either confused me with somebody else....again, or you simply do not see things the way they truly are. I have said many times that coming to this computer night after night has helped save my M b/c my H would not consider going to C. It stopped me from walking away. Maybe that was not enough for men like DomR and yourself....but my H seems to be fine with it. We will be okay....in our own slow, but sweet time. If I can help anyone else do better than we have....it will be worth the effort and hours that I have given to this board.

Signed,
One Sandi here on the DB Board

[Dr LOve]

Hey sandi2,

I was confused by forests post also. I then had a couple shots of J.D. but that did not help either. was there some kind of code there????

Dr LOve

[sandi2]

It beats me! It was like reading some unknown language. I sure hope I don't come across to others the way he pictured me. Perhaps I over-reacted, but he has used some of those "adjectives" about me before, and said that it was all excuses.....and I am tired of it.

I know what is going on between these walls and I say that things are better and our life is moving forward. We both have health problems....as do a lot of people our age (and younger) but we go on and do the best we can. We are getting along good together. We have not had a fight since Feb. of last year when H found out about the OM. (How many couples can say they have not had a fight in a year?) He is trusting me again. So, I think things are progressing. I really don't know what some expect me to do. I know that a certain person was trying to give me "his" advice and I told him that I didn't like what he was suggesting and neither would my H and that I didn't think it would work for us.....but he would not accept that and kept pushing it and telling me that I just didn't want to do it. So, I got enough. Some people don't know how to accept "no" for an answer. Just b/c I didn't think that particular list of "assignments to do" would work my particular personality or my H's.....doesn't mean I would not look at something else offered. But, when it keeps going back to what you just refused, it's time to just forget it and move on.

I try to get along with everyone. I will listen to their advice. I appreciate the support that people here have given me and the encouragement. Even when they don't know what to advise, most of them are nice and urge me on. That helps a lot. And....I want to help in return. I truly hope I have help some younger couples from making mistakes and that perhaps my "maturity" was instrumental in some type of guidance for them.

I will not lie about it....it has been a tough year. Mostly the work I had to do on the inside of myself (as I have explained before). I may not be able to do a lot of "active" things (I guess would be the way to express it.), however, I think both my H and I have had to go through some "spiritual" healing between us. Hopefully, on the better days (physically speaking), we can enjoy doing things together. I've had several months in a row now that have been very hard on my health problems, but I always am hoping that a better day is around the corner and when it comes....we will take advantage of it!

Thank you for dropping in and saying what you did. It really helped my feelings a lot.

Sandi

[Dr LOve]

We have not had a fight since Feb. of last year when H found out about the OM. (How many couples can say they have not had a fight in a year?)

Hi Sandi,

You know ever sitch is dif. like this statement you made. That may be goof in yours but..... My W and I never fight. I think that is part of the problem with my sitch also. Things get pent up and not expressed.
Now I am not talking physical fight. But I do think expressing a dif. of Opinion Is good sometimes...
H

[DiDi]

I think it's the way you fight that matters. :-)

Hi Sandi-on-a-DB-board. Welcome back to piecing!

The mod just put a "sticky" post at the top of the Newcomers forum with a directive that Michele gives her therapists. "If you feel there is no hope... fire yourself."

This is a pretty active site, with a whole lot of different people who find themselves here. We have more in common that we wish, but we are more different than some realize. Hope aside, if what we are doing isn't HELPING someone, regardless of how much we may think they need it, we need to fire ourselves.

I fired myself a few times. Maybe a poster just didn't get me, didn't like me, didn't like my story ... who knows? Maybe I'm just no good at giving advice on message boards. Instead of pushing I try to get them to answer to themselves. Instead of getting frustrated or making someone feel they came to the wrong place, I opt to simply take the road of "Do No Harm" and back off. There are loads of great posters and counseling options to take my place who CAN help those truly seeking help.

I haven't read your posts on SSM. From what I read here, it appears that rather than seeking advice, you feel that what you are doing IS working to get your relationship with your H to a level you are comfortable with.

It's amazing what time and perspective can do while we spin around searching for a way to speed up a journey that we only appreciate after we get there. Heh, maybe it's the paragraph-long run on sentences that cause my message to miss the mark.

Anyhow, just wanted to reach out to you the way I've seen you reach out to so many others.....