My wife left me in June 2006 and she was having an EA that later evolved into PA. A lot of why this happened is because I pushed her away with angry, controlling behavior. She got fed up with it and then someone else who was very receptive to her came along and she jumped on his train. Once the OM was on the scene, the more I questioned her about him and heck, the more I even THOUGHT about OM... the more it pushed my W away. I have dealt with a lot of my internal baggage and have changed dramatically over the last 1.5 years for the better. I've also calmed down 1000 fold from where I was when my wife first left.
So I think we share some of that stuff in common and I want to give you some of my perspective, now that I've read your sitch.
1. It sounds like the DBing is working. Your W is seeing changes in you. This should be inspiring to you, but don't let your guard down. I bet you still have a long way to go. In fact, I'm pretty sure you will be working on your own baggage the rest of your life. It's a real blessing that you have come to accept your own issues. Lots of men can't even make it that far. The fact that you live in a different country than your wife and don't see her a lot works to your advantage in ways. When she sees you, the changes you've made are more dramatic to her... as opposed to partners that see each other on a daily or weekly basis. Keep working on yourself. You have to keep peeling the onion of your psyche back. Keep focusing on yourself and regardless of if you end up with your W or not... you will be a better person! You are already seeing the results with perfect strangers. Just think about what's waiting for you after a years' worth of "self healing."
2. Do you really want to save your marriage? I'm reading that you are sort of wavering at times. I suggest that you really go deep inside yourself and find that answer... regardless of what your W is saying and doing with OM. If it's "Yes I want to save my marriage with this woman and I love her" then indeed stop the dating. Also, STOP thinking about the OM. That includes trying to rationalize why W is still hanging with OM, even though she wants you. She's going through a process and unfortunately it involves some other dude. You don't even know how long it's going to take her to work through it all. There is no way to know for sure. What to do why waiting? See point #1 above. That's ALL you can do. Let her go, stop thinking about OM, and make changes to yourself without expectations. It's way harder to do than type...sorry.
You are in a way better position than most people on this message board. Your W is actually telling you that she DOES want to work it out. She wants you in the future. Most people here, myself included, are only praying to hear those types of reassuring words.
3. From what I've learned, W's that have been with verbally abusive and angry men are yearning for validation and acceptance. When you do talk with your W... compliment her. This will go sooo far! She wants to hear you say that she is beautiful. She want you to say that she is a little butterball of love. Don't give her the "I want you back" or the "I love you," but when you are on the phone, slip in a few "your voice sounds so wonderful" or silly stuff like "oohhh... for a second I though I got a call from an angel." When you see her tell her something like "you look beautiful" or "oh, you look wonderful in that dress." Compliments, compliments, compliments. Tactfully insert them from time to time. They will take you QUITE far, especially as you are trying to mend damage done.
Lastly, this guy Just_Me, he's a great great guy. Reading the post he left for me back in OCT/NOV 2006 probably kept me from a complete break down. Hi Just_Me... long time no chat. Thanks again for your great efforts on this message board!
