Worried I found DB too late #2

[houndfan]

Well, I am going to take a different approach to your sitch and I have a feeling that when I am done you will want to kick the dog...

First, I am certainly not taking your H side on this AT ALL. But I am going to pepper in some of what I have learned with my W in counseling as some of your posts mirror our lives and my participation therein.

Have you ever thought that maybe H doesn't understand what your expectations are, or that he is unsure or unclear of what you want? I see many times when you are venting about him that are mirror images of our MC talks. My W used to get very frusterated with me for very similar things. i.e. she would be doing some task and I would stand and watch not knowing what to do to help or assist. Then we would argue and she would tell me that I should know what she needs or expects. I have even had the arguement that I didnt want a drink and then drank all of her soda whilst she was working on something around the house LOL!

Well, this comes up often in MC and the reality is that I don't know what she wants or expects even though she thinks that I should. Its like DB'ing we think we know what our S wants or expects like contact, communication, reaching out but DB'ing teaches us that those tactics push the S away. Same approach here, maybe he is timid to act because he doesn't know your expectation and conversely you have pushed him away. Maybe you have been critical of his attempts to assist you so he is shy to act. Maybe he is an idiot like me and just needs to be spoken to S L O W L Y.

(Flinching) Again, I am not suggesting that you should be more culpable, I am just suggesting that a different approach may yeild different results.

I know from experience, I was the one who asked for the D, I was the one who pushed for the seperation but once I got it I realized I didn't want it AT ALL. I pushed for those things because I felt like I was not being heard or considered. I would get in trouble, or "bitched at" for not helping out when she had dinner on for the kids, dogs running crazy thorugh the house, laundry piling up etc etc. So, I would do something that I thought she wanted and it would send her off the deep edge. It drove us apart!!!!

"As I told him, I know he's capable of better. Time will tell whether or not he can harness that or if he's followed him mother's footsteps and just given up. We really are products of our environment." Are you sure that you know what he is capable of? It seems to me that you have some expectations for H that he may not be aware of and you are projecting his "failure" on to some environmental conditions. See what I am getting at? reread some of your posts and maybe it will show through to you that I think you have a level of expectation that may not be fair or possible. Who knows as we only see what you post, but I think that there is an element of this with H, with the Floor guy etc.

So I will put myself in H shoes for one second. I wanted to S because I thought that it would be easier for the family, the boys everything. Well, she then bought into it too and then next thing I know she is seeing OM and my life is out of control. I think maybe your H has some of the same issues that I had... after seeing some of your responses to the stimuli I would guess that he is gun shy. He want's to reach out and has done so on occassion, but again you are posting that it is not to your specifications are you telling him the same?

So what do you do? When you are on the floor putting togther the dishwasher and he is just watching - maybe a 180 that is not judgemental which will open him up.

You seem to be analyzing his actions as well... stating that his touch is empty or not what you expect or whatever. Again, what do you know here? He is trying right? He is feeling this out too, so why do you have the need to judge the action? I would accept it as a step forward and long for the next one rather than wonder why it wasn't more complete!

So here is the moral of my post and hopefully you take my suggestions constructively as I think that you could be in a position to turn this around for your family: Every marriage consists of 3 marriages - there is MY Marriage, HER Marriage, and OUR Marriage. How you approach each one is critical to your overall success. Do you know what he thinks of HIS marriage without your input or direction? What about the collective marriage that you two share do you know what he thinks about that independent of your thoughts? I think that he knows what you want out of YOUR marriage but me thinks that there are no collabrative thoughts about the collective marriage (Our Marriage) because there may be some expectations on both sides that are not being met.

In reading the board I think those that make it create one marriage: OUR Marriage and those that don't have singular Marriages: "He doesn't know what I want from My marriage." And those that struggle have independent thoughts of their marriages.

Accept, Affirm, and Change right!

I really hope that I am wrong here, maybe it is because I am a guy, but I really think that you have the power to turn this around RIGHT AWAY! I can tell you that in my sitch I needed to change me first for W to even think about having me back, but she also admitted soon after we R that she need to communicate expectations more clearly and she needed to be less critical.

Fast forward in my life and I can PROMISE you that my wife never feels like I am on the sidelines any more. I now understand her clearly because she tells me what she expects rather than thinking that I should know.

I would suggest that approach with H and see what you get! Tell him more clearly because if he is a dumb as the Hound it may take a while to break him!

Good luck!