I think there comes a time when maybe we realize that we can not change their behavior...I think of my mom when I talk about this stuff
we can not change their reactions but we can change our reactions to them...
my mom and I had a nasty relationship...the same or opposite in everything
so I try really hard to changemy perception of things...usually it takes the wind right out of her sails...she is so used tome responding a certain way and actually has prepared her reactions basedon those reactions
so when I am pro-active...she doesn't know what to do, really
our relationship has improved...or at least my perception of it has...
Fig, so are you saying I need to be more pro-active? Like how? Give me suggestions...
I am not acting like a lunatic towards him anymore and have been nicer...he takes that as me wanting to have sex with him. Uhhh, okay.
I think maybe that is one of his love languages or he just has a high libido and wants sex all the time and with whomever.
jk.
I KNOW I cannot change his behavior. HE has to want to change his behavior. But he is stuck, still in la-la-land or likes his behavior. which one is it? I have no idea and that is frustrating.
I am not sure I understand what you mean by 'changing perception' means....please explain.
V
Aug '06: H moved out July '08: H had a kid with the OW May 12 '09: emancipation day
"Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." -Ferris Bueller
like my mom and I had gotten into a pattern that was firmly established for 30 some years.
I would say something,she would respond, I would feel attacked and say something else, she would defend...
So...my therapist and I tried to think of ways that I could change that. I can't change my mom at all....she can't change me. I can change me
so...I practised saying stuff to my therapist that I might say to my mom (and please understand we did this for EVERY interaction...my mom and me)
like... m: Mom do you like my new dress? mom: Hmmmmmmm how much did that cost you? m: whatever mom...I work really hard,I should be able to buy a new dress mom: I'm not saying you shouldn't be able to but it seems like you just got a new dress 2 weeks ago m: well what if I did
and that would be how our conversation went
so my therapist and I tried to work on my reactions to my mom
So...maybe I never would have even pointed the dress out (since one of my things is constantly looking for approval from my weird mom) Or I would start differently by pointing out something specific like...I got this new dress because it really makes me feel confident when I wear it and I had an observation the other day and felt so good because I was confident in my dress. That will look really good when they are checking files for renewal next year...my confidence level.
I also try to look at things from my mom's perspective. I am a single mom and she worries...she worries about me,my kids, my job...she is a worrier. So a lot of what irritates me is my perception that she is saying I can't take care of myself...changingmy perception to be that she loves me so much and that is why she is worried helped
when i argue with a friend who easily gets defensive...which makes me defensive...it helps if I remember that they are getting defensive becasue they want me to approve of them (!!!!) so if I remind them (and myself) of something they are excelling at it helps the interaction with them from the very beginning.
that was a really longwinded reply... maybe he wants sex because he feels inadequite in other areas...so pumping him up might change that interaction
(or make him want you even more...somaybe that won't work )
ACJ, when I was hard-core DBing...and would initiate sex he NEVER said no...now I don't get the chance...I can be home, no make-up, sweaty from gardening or doing housework and before I know it...he pounces!
Hmmmm...
Aug '06: H moved out July '08: H had a kid with the OW May 12 '09: emancipation day
"Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." -Ferris Bueller
)