First off , I think you tried to tread the line between being blunt and being diplomatic. That's a tough juggling act. Do you really want to say things like
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I told her that I understand the need to be happy because I am doing similar soul searching myself.
that seem to me to send the message that you're agreeing with her decision, in fact you're on a similar path? Be careful with that. If you smell/recognize BS, call it BS, say you understand, or change the subject. Don't buy in to faulty ideas.
Secondly , I really think you do better by sticking to the truth as you see it. IF you're going to disagree with her that is. This exchange
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I told her that I really don't like the use of the word 'allow' in this context because someone doesn't 'stop' you from caring about them, from helping them. I gave examples of how to really 'help' and said that I realize she couldn't do that for me, but that I've learned that is the way you have a real relationship.
to me just comes across as condescending and as though you're trying to teach her the right way. I wouldn't expect that she receives THAT real well.
Thirdly , there is this comment
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And yes, I want to be happy. It's hard to do that when everything is falling apart all around me.
Your marriage is falling apart around you.
You're having financial difficulties, which YOU are working on and WILL straighten out because that's what you do and you're good at it.
Your kids are sad because they have a mother who has checked out of their family emotionally and is ready to pack her bags and leave. It's not fair to them, but they still have ONE parent who can be their rock and their strength.
You're right, it's hard. But you've still got alot of good things in your life, and you've still got a lot of good life in front of you. Doesn't matter if it's with her or not.
But YOU have to believe in that one.
Finally, why do you place such strength in the words coming from this woman? Look, I know we have to tread the line between discounting everything they say because of the old DB mantra (nothing out of their mouths, half of what they do) and trying to listen honestly to what they're saying. But this woman speaks her nonsense about how you wouldn't let her in, how she has been unhappy for a LONG time, how she is a HAPPY person (yeah, I'm seeing lots of happy in her lately), and you just take it all in as fact? And you point the fingers back at you and how messed up YOU are?
Come on Frank. You know better than this.
F'ed up spouses suck. Divorce sucks. Affairs by your spouse suck. Spouses who can't tolerate difficulties without resorting to leaving and f'ing others sucks. Spouses who see everyone else's problems and none of their own suck.
It all sucks.
Where's the strong man?
Where's the guy who read and can quote things like the Deida stuff?
See, for me, I just need to get pissed off enough that I stop buying in to the crap that my ex was spewing. I had to stop trying to WIN her back, and open my flipping eyes to the absolute DRIVEL that she was spouting, and then I KNEW. Then I KNEW that she was nuts, and that there was NOTHING I could do about it.
What do you need to do Frank? Get pissed off enough? Wind up in the hospital and lose the ability to care for your girls? Screw up all your work jobs so that you lose credibility with anyone who would hire you? What the hell will it take FRANK?
Damn!
I'm not trying to pile on or kick you when you're down. I agree with what crap this all is. But you have to realize, despite YOUR flaws, SHE IS THE MESSED UP ONE!
You don't let messed up people drive your perception of yourself.
Let the woman go. Let the marriage go. Become the MAN you are meant to be. Become the FATHER you are meant to be. Become the PROGRAMMING GURU you are trained to be.
God Frank. I pray for your family, all of you. I am SO flippin sad that not only is your wife making the decisions she is making, you are still allowing her madness to belittle you.
Put the focus on something worthy of your time and attention.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
