Need Help

[troubled_husband]

Just looked at the site for His Needs/Her Needs. Read the first chapter on-line. The table of contents looks a lot like most of the marriage counselling we have been through. My problem is this, when I go down the list of 'her needs', these are areas I have focused on for years because of counseling over 10 years ago. I have even tried some of the list of 'his needs'. It hasn't made much difference. Is this book really that much different?

When I (or counselors) have pointed to the importance of my needs, it is normally ignored. As far as sex goes, the response originally was to call me an over-sexed leecher (at that time our sex rate was less than once a month). Eventually, she got to the point of saying it was her problem and nothing personal. But it has rarely been a subject of discussion without her exploding. Same thing goes for most of the other 'his needs' areas.

I have done things counselors have recommended to get the response of 'you only did it because you were told to'. Sometimes that is true, but not with the intention of pleasing a counselor. We stopped seeing the counselor that told me she wanted flowers for 'no reason' over 10 years ago, but I have continued the practice (even this weekend).

The other response is that I am doing something (like giving flowers or making a nice meal) because I feel 'guilty'. Mostly I do it to be nice. Even my intentions are discounted on a regular basis.

At this point, I have finally given up on the 'open' part because it frequently ends in criticism or condemnation of me.

Mirroring her body language escalates conflict rapidly. Her body language can be quite intimidation oriented.