like my mom and I had gotten into a pattern that was firmly established for 30 some years.
I would say something,she would respond, I would feel attacked and say something else, she would defend...
So...my therapist and I tried to think of ways that I could change that. I can't change my mom at all....she can't change me. I can change me
so...I practised saying stuff to my therapist that I might say to my mom (and please understand we did this for EVERY interaction...my mom and me)
like... m: Mom do you like my new dress? mom: Hmmmmmmm how much did that cost you? m: whatever mom...I work really hard,I should be able to buy a new dress mom: I'm not saying you shouldn't be able to but it seems like you just got a new dress 2 weeks ago m: well what if I did
and that would be how our conversation went
so my therapist and I tried to work on my reactions to my mom
So...maybe I never would have even pointed the dress out (since one of my things is constantly looking for approval from my weird mom) Or I would start differently by pointing out something specific like...I got this new dress because it really makes me feel confident when I wear it and I had an observation the other day and felt so good because I was confident in my dress. That will look really good when they are checking files for renewal next year...my confidence level.
I also try to look at things from my mom's perspective. I am a single mom and she worries...she worries about me,my kids, my job...she is a worrier. So a lot of what irritates me is my perception that she is saying I can't take care of myself...changingmy perception to be that she loves me so much and that is why she is worried helped
when i argue with a friend who easily gets defensive...which makes me defensive...it helps if I remember that they are getting defensive becasue they want me to approve of them (!!!!) so if I remind them (and myself) of something they are excelling at it helps the interaction with them from the very beginning.
that was a really longwinded reply... maybe he wants sex because he feels inadequite in other areas...so pumping him up might change that interaction
(or make him want you even more...somaybe that won't work )
)
