Trying to be patient

[Snow White]

Karen,

I just wanted to let you know that I will be thinking about you, I have been following your thread and I am really sorry for what you had to go through today. I am impressed by your strength, and any tears you have are well earned, don't feel bad for letting them out.

Denise

[karen43]

Thanks Neecy! I'm doing surprisingly well I think. I have been on a cleaning streak since H left and did several hours of housework so far. I realize that half of my cleaning has been due to H, so I think now that he is gone I can really get the house looking good finally--something hard to do with him here (he is a total slob!). I am going to work on my play tonight and memorizing lines a little bit, but then I'm going to relax a little!

The kids are watching a movie and they seem fine too.H has seen them so little recently I think that helps, and he plans on visiting and seeing them just about as much or more than he has lately (if he keeps to the schedule he has planned of two nights and Sunday, and probably it will be more quality time, less him watching TV or going to sleep, so I think they will actually benefit by this!!!

I realized when I was helping him move out, I felt ready for him to go! I am tired of him treating me like dirt! I'm actually worried a little I don't feel a little more sad, I had about 2 minutes of crying and now I kind of feel fine. Maybe I'll feel sadder later but right now feel a little relieved actually, maybe even happy a little. I thought I would be a little sadder than this really.

I think H was surprised too btw. He said something about my Prozac was really working great I guess b/c I was helping him move and didn't seem that sad to see him go. I guess that makes him feel better to think my AD's are keeping me from crying in front of him--some of it is just that he has treated me so badly it is a bit of a relief to see him go!!! Karen

[JoieDeVivre]

Karen,
He saw a movie with the kids, then decided to come home and move out? Seems so spur-of-the-moment, spontaneous ... just weird. Especially when he didn't do it yesterday. But then again, WAS are famous for defying conformity.

Thumbs up to you for keeping it together. He is totally out of sync with you if he thinks you're "positive" attitude in helping him move out was because of the Prozac.

It may hit you later, but I think with everything he's put you through, you sort of already mentally prepared. Now you can really detach and wash off all that dirt he's been smearing you with. I wonder how your H is feeling tonight...

When does your play hit the stage?

Joie

[karen43]

I agree Joie, the moving out today was weird-why did he delay the one day?--but he is acting weird lately so I wasn't totally surprised. I do think I was kind of prepared and since he has been treating me terribly the past year, it will be easier for me I think than if he'd been a nice or even halfway-decent H.

I just got an email from H, he can't find his medicine he needs, and I'm not around to help anymore. Oh well! I do think he will not be 100% happy as he thinks he will be now that he's moved out, but maybe that is wishful thinking???

My play starts/runs April 10-19, so will be concentrating on that starting tomorrow! I'm giving myself the night off today! Karen

[LL44]

As far as the awkward visits - they are difficult. I still have not worked out which is best...stay home or leave d with him when he comes. He likes the 3 of us to be together so when he visits he sticks around me, but during the week he does not send me one message, phone call or email. I tried going out when he visits but then i feel like a missed an opportunity to be near him. This is the hardest part - seeing him and remembering good times and being a family but it is not real. You will find your best way to cope but it will take time.

This is us to a "T" at the moment. We are still trying to find our way, settle into our new roles as separated parents. Neither one of us is sure what to do/how to act.

karen, thanks for asking, its been really hard, but the alternative (H staying and us miserable) is even worse.

[karen43]

H just came by to pick up some crucial stuff he had left here during his lunchtime and most of the pictures/paintings in the house (they were given to us by his family in his defense)! And the kids are going to see him tomorrow night, so they are not feeling sad at all.

I'm surprisingly still OK too. I helped H out with a couple things, and acted my usual nice self with him. He smiled at me as he left, a big smile, and I asked him what he was smiling about. He said I was acting weird, but a good weird. I think I have always been that way, he just never notices me really (too obsessed with OW I guess).

I've got rehearsal tonight for 4 hours, so that will keep me busy and I need to work on memorizing my lines/dancing etc. I've been cleaning like crazy since H left, put a couple more hours into housework so far today. At some point, hopefully I will get to relax, but so far I am fine with the separation. It was time. Karen

[JoieDeVivre]

He came and took pictures/paintings from your home?! I think that is really low (and tacky) of him! Sure, they may have been given by his family, but unless they were specifically given to HIM, they belong to both of you. If he stays this course, and you end up divorcing, you'll want to divide things up evenly. I would not let him take anything else, or keep very detailed track of it.

Good luck with the rehearsal tonight!

[BradNL]

Well done Karen, great to hear that you did such a good job of helping your H's sorry a$$ out the door. I hope I can do as well as you in a few months when my W finally moves out!

And I agree with Joie, keep track of everything, the line in the sand is drawn now. Are you going to get his set of keys back off him? He really shouldn't be able to come into the house without prior arrangement anymore, its not his home, its yours now.

Also remember, you are a beautiful, loving, caring person (specially with the weight loss and all the dancing!), you deserve better than your H has been treating you. And of course you have all of us here to remind you if you forget *8)

Brad

[karen43]

Thanks Brad and Joie! I am now dealing with the relatives. My brother wants me to file for divorce, and seems upset with me that I want H to do that. (I am dreading/expecting that to happen soon probably.)

My sil (H's sister) emailed and suggested counseling for the kids since H had emailed her they didn't cry/act upset when he left. I think she thinks they are holding their emotions bottled up, but she doesn't realize H checked out of the family a while back. He has either been out with OW (gone about 80 hours a week with work & OW) or texting her when he is here, and rude/abusive to me besides which I don't think the kids like seeing. It is probably inconceivable to her that the kids are actually healthier and happier with their dad gone, but I think they really are (as am I).

I talked to my S14, and he doesn't want to see a therapist, but I am talking to them (we have honest & open talks about stuff), so will keep it in mind if they seem to need it at some point. I think another reason they are distant with their dad is he never really talks to them much the few hours that he is here: H is either watching TV, sleeping, or texting OW so him moving out is not that big a deal to them as it might be for kids that had a more normal and involved dad.

I emailed back SIL and said the kids and I are fine, & H is probably the one that needs counseling. I probably shouldn't have emailed that, but it is so true!!! Karen

[GoingForward]

Karen,

Despite what's recently occurred in your sitch, I must say that you sound remarkably well! You seem a lot more at ease and accepting. That's great progress!

Keep your head up, lady! Stay strong.