It's ten after six here (afternoon) and I am still at work. It's getting crazier, I hope I'll be OK by the end of the week...
Last night when I went to bed I saw a dream (after many many months). It was a nightmare. The scariest thing I've ever "lived". I woke up by the sound of my voice whispering prayers. I actually woke up by my own voice. I was shaking and I wanted to leave the house (and my kids) and run away. I had to get up and check my doors and windows, pray some more and then I finally calmed down. When I say it was the scariest experience I mean it. I know it had to do a lot with me feeling stressed last night and so lonely. I sent a message to H around 1 asking "R u at work, home sleeping or out?". He never replied.
This morning he called and said he had left work after 2 and didn't want to wake me.He was worried because he didn't know what was going on. I told him and he was making fun of me saying that I always am a chicken s*&t... But I told him it was very real and he curious to know what it was.
2-3 hours later I sent him an email. Telling him that last night I would have asked him to come home stay with me until I was asleep again and then leave if he wanted to.
That I still believe we are meant to be together and that we are each others other half. But that I know and respect he has serious reasons to be away from us and although not everybody has the same sense of seriouness I accept his reasons AND understand them.
I tell him that I am accepting the situation the best way I can, trying not put any pressure on him. That I am OK either way he decides to move on and I will respect his decision although I feel that a new mariage between us would be so much better than the one we had because after this crisis none of us could ever be the same.
I tell him I would like to talk about where we stand whenever he feels like it, but as long I can hang on, I accept his reluctancy.
And then I attached the song I posted on Ali's thread "By your side".
I still have no answer. I will not instist on one or even ask for one. I feel good about it, didn't regret it. If it sends him out in the outerspace, no big deal. He was there anyway.
He was sweet and caring on the phone. And I was very feminine (not my strongest point the last 2 years).
I'll keep you posted of course if I have any reaction at all.
