You are outraged at her ability to detach so easily, connect with friends and take care of herself. She's doing what you should be doing in a situation like this. Her instinct for self-preservation and self-care is more developed than yours.
Frank, you know the deal here. To US, this is sudden and unexpected. For THEM, this is the final stages of a process that they began long before they ever let us know the marriage was finally in the crapper.
You're pissed that she's detached so well. How can she after all these years together, etc? Well, she's been working on it Frank, for quite some time probably, despite the proclamations of love she might have shared with you. I'll remind you that I myself received a birthday card at the end of August with handwritten "I'll always love you's", then faced the bomb the middle of September. This is the routine, and you know that.
Last week I thought perhaps you had reached the point where you had accepted the relationship being over, for now at least. Truth is that you are typically the one who says there is NO chance. Yet here you are dragging yourself through the mess again, continuing to ask yourself the same questions that have no good answers.
I've told you before that I believe honesty is the proper approach in ALL of these marital situations. We should never have to stop being who we are, stop feeling what we feel, just to attract back to us a spouse who has emotionally checked out. If your wife cannot handle the truth, what have you lost? Is the state of things right now so good that you fear to lose it if you say the wrong thing? Surely not.
This is not a license to let loose with guns a'blazing. It's not permission to beat the hell out of her with accusations and recriminations. It's simply acknowledging that you shouldn't have to pretend to be or feel something that you are not.
You have two wonderful daughters, at least one of whom appears significantly bothered by the demise of her parents marriage. That is something to focus on.
You have business going on, some of it quite significant, all of it crucial to your financial well being. You certainly know HOW to work your business well, you just need a clear mind and focused energy. That is something to focus on.
You have a resource in the relationship with your in-laws. That is something to focus on when you're feeling rocky.
You have this Divorce Care group, which will potentially give you both a place to vent and receive support, as well as possibly meet a few people who might become friends. This is something to focus on.
You will NOT let this relationship with your wife put you back in the state you were in before. You're wiser now. You understand how you went about things wrong as it concerns YOUR well being.
I wish she could go now. I honestly believe that would be better for you and the girls. She lives in this current state of denial and selfishness, and the needs of ANYONE else are WAY after her own, hurting both you and the girls.
If she was gone already, how would you be living each day? What would you be doing, what would your focus be on?
Try living like that now.
I'm sorry that you're going thru this crap. I also know that you are far stronger than what is going on around you now.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
