ISH, Here's the link to the book The Prodigal's Perspective. I know you'll like it and find it reassuring. He recounts his own thoughts, actions while in the crisis and others he interviewed also share similar stories.
Actually as far as OW getting jealous - that could work to your advantage. He may not like that, not in the long-term anyway.
And you mentioned he shouted at you when you invited him to come to bed - that could be his guilt causing him to get angry... Not about you...
ISH...boy did this bring back memories...my H wasn't so kind...as we were planning our very first ever anniversary party for our 25th...the cake, the cruise...the whole thing he abruptly left me...following my nieces wedding he just didn't come home...when he did he took his shaving kit and left to start a new life!!!
As crazy as things got...as cold as he got...as distant as he eventually became...today we are happy...it was 2 years of him gone...one year of him back but not in love with me...working on trying to build a new M/R...I can say proudly that we finally celebrated another anniversary, our 28th in Hawaii a few weeks ago!!!
I know it is hard to keep being hopeful...because there are no promises...but as I say and how I felt was this...until one of us was to remarry there would always be hope!
ISH...boy did this bring back memories...my H wasn't so kind...as we were planning our very first ever anniversary party for our 25th...the cake, the cruise...the whole thing he abruptly left me...following my nieces wedding he just didn't come home...
How is it possible that our stories have so many commonalities? The day after we returned from his niece's wedding he rented an efficiency apartment. He said that for the first time when he heard the priest talk of everlasting love and committment he looked at me and didn't feel anything. That sounds like a good reason to move on with one's life without even considering marriage counseling. (Major sarcasm.)
Originally Posted By: imLIN
can say proudly that we finally celebrated another anniversary, our 28th in Hawaii a few weeks ago!!!
Congratulations! That is so wonderful. Learning that things worked out for you has given me hope, I can't tell you how much I appreciate that little ray of sunshine!
Originally Posted By: imLIN
I know it is hard to keep being hopeful...because there are no promises...but as I say and how I felt was this...until one of us was to remarry there would always be hope!
In the light of day, after sleeping, and, after reading everyone's messages I realized that I wimped out yesterday and surrendered to panic when I read his words. Fortunately, I kept up with the DB and didn't over-react, haven't reacted yet as a matter of fact.
Thanks everyone - today is another day!
Me: 59 H: 59 Together: 28 years Married: 25 years in August "There may be someone else" 12/26/07 H signed a one year lease 4/1/08 H moved out 5/11/08 H beginning to show a tiny amount of interest 7/5/08 Is it possible that he is courting me? 9/30/08
My gut reaction is that that was a strange message to be sending to your travel agent - whether they are going to be there at a function or not. It also puts the travel agent in a very awkward position. If your H is any good at his job he should realise that. I do wonder however, if that little email was sent with the OW having had a hand in it, or at least having seen it, and it was written to reassure her- not for the agent's information. I even wonder if the agent will actually get an email on the subject.
When my H was carrying on with OW but I didn't know about it, my H arranged out 20th wedding anniversary break which was to Marrakesh - somewhere I had always wanted to go. OW was spitting feathers. Her wedding anniversary was the same date as ours although she had not been married as long. My H booked the swankiest hotel he could find, and stupidly, ( I think to show her what kind of a generous guy he was, he told her all about it.LOL)
Her husband never expended much money on holidays for just the two of them and always just took his wife camping, Usually with their kids in tow too - hah!!!!! OW was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO angry. My H intended still going on our anniversary trip whilst still carrying on with OW when he got back. I am afraid I just point blank refused to go to Marrakesh if we were going on that basis. I didn't know about DBing then and also I was not ever going to let my H cake eat even if I had known. If he was going to act like a sh!t I wanted everyone to know what a complete and utter toe rag he was. Upshot was we had a fantastic time in Marrakech and I enjoyed the fact that OW was really really pissed off!!!! Made it just SO much the sweeter. ( By then she had lost her job at my H's Co. too - happy days )
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
My gut reaction is that that was a strange message to be sending to your travel agent - whether they are going to be there at a function or not. It also puts the travel agent in a very awkward position.
Agreed, it really appears as if he is becoming unhinged. I think he has OD'ed on the narcotic effect of the endorphins.
Originally Posted By: saffie
If your H is any good at his job he should realise that. I do wonder however, if that little email was sent with the OW having had a hand in it, or at least having seen it, and it was written to reassure her- not for the agent's information.
I'm beginning to question just how good he is at his job these days. I may have mentioned before that he doesn't seem to have any insight. His Emotional Quotient (E.Q.) seems to be somewhat low. He is so handsome and charming on the surface that he has gotten a pass most of his life for not following through or keeping promises.
Lord knows he has studied enough about the stages of love that he should have an inkling that his infatuation with OW is rather artificial and destined to be short-lived since they have not yet had to weather any crises together. (Other than their own infidelities to their spouses.)
One thing that once really galled me was that OW was giving H advice on how to treat me e.g. to be kind but honest that the marriage is over. (He has her right up there on a pedestal and commented how wonderful she was to consider my feelings.) I really am beginning to feel pity for her now. She is in for a big surprise. I have no anger.
Originally Posted By: saffie
When my H was carrying on with OW but I didn't know about it, my H arranged out 20th wedding anniversary break which was to Marrakesh - somewhere I had always wanted to go. My H booked the swankiest hotel he could find, and stupidly, ( I think to show her what kind of a generous guy he was, he told her all about it.LOL) OW was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO angry. My H intended still going on our anniversary trip whilst still carrying on with OW when he got back. Upshot was we had a fantastic time in Marrakech and I enjoyed the fact that OW was really really pissed off!!!! Made it just SO much the sweeter. (By then she had lost her job at my H's Co. too - happy days )
I just LOVE happy endings, especially when there is an OW involved. (Back in my marriage detective days I read H's e-mail to her which indicated that since she had said she loved him first, he was blameless in the whole debacle.
Me: 59 H: 59 Together: 28 years Married: 25 years in August "There may be someone else" 12/26/07 H signed a one year lease 4/1/08 H moved out 5/11/08 H beginning to show a tiny amount of interest 7/5/08 Is it possible that he is courting me? 9/30/08
That was a good point by saffie maybe the note was to please oW peace
I do think saffie is correct. His e-mail draft was written the day after he went to the classical music concert at her son's alma mater. It was so out of character for him to go that I felt the OW was somehow involved either directly or indirectly.
I'm still away from home and I planned to return home tomorrow. Tonight he called to tell me that snow and freezing rain was predicted so the driving wouldn't be very good. He suggested that I stay at my parent's for a few extra days.
Also he asked my opinion of the e-mail and I was able to use plentyhope's advice. I stayed calm and kept repeating the words as he questioned me. (I felt empowered by making it clear that it wasn't my decision but that I respected his right to his opinion.) Thanks plentyhope!
He did say that he has been sleeping in the guest room since I have been gone. He won't be sleeping in the same bed from now on. Roller coaster - it's got to get worse before it improves (if ever.)
Me: 59 H: 59 Together: 28 years Married: 25 years in August "There may be someone else" 12/26/07 H signed a one year lease 4/1/08 H moved out 5/11/08 H beginning to show a tiny amount of interest 7/5/08 Is it possible that he is courting me? 9/30/08
Yes it definitely gets worse we get stronger though my R have improved with everyone in my life from this so the rewards are great whether H returns or not I like what PH said too I think ill put it in my toolbox for future use peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I'll be returning home within the next day or two. I'm preparing myself emotionally for the fact that he will be sleeping by himself, and that he has probably removed his wedding ring. I am surmising that I should not mention either new development and treat him like a friend who is staying with me.
How have any of you worked toward the goal of a spouse returning to bed? (Other than waiting until he decides that the time is right for him.) We will be sleeping in the same bed on the vacation - all of our accommodations have a single, King-sized bed.
Perhaps I should request the Moderator for a solution journal buddy. That way I could at least try to help someone whle I am receiving it during this difficult time.
Thanks in advance, I'mstillhopeful but hope beginning to tiptoe away
Me: 59 H: 59 Together: 28 years Married: 25 years in August "There may be someone else" 12/26/07 H signed a one year lease 4/1/08 H moved out 5/11/08 H beginning to show a tiny amount of interest 7/5/08 Is it possible that he is courting me? 9/30/08
ISH...I will also chime in with...yes, it gets worse before better...BUT as peacetoday points out there are still positives to gain from it...my relationships with others, including my own children, improved dramatically as a result of my DB'ing...
Now for the question of having them return to bed...well, since my H left and wasn't even in the same town it wasn't like trying to get him from the other room...in a way I think it might be easier to do after they return from actually being out of the house...I can say that when H first started "dating" me again, after nearly 2 years it was odd...if he stayed overnight, initially he would sleep on the couch...then he eventually would sleep on the futon in my room...he avoided the bed saying he didn't want to confuse the kids...finally, when he really committed to making things work out he started sleeping on the end of the bed...then next me but with his own covers...like two people sleeping seperate in the same bed...now things are back to normal...it took probably about 3 months before he was in our bed again...but another year of so before he felt "at home" in it...as long of a road as it is to travel with them...it seems almost longer to get back home again...
)