Here is my last post from the prev thread that is now locked: Thanks Andabelle! It is a process of finding myself within this mess. W. emailed about being surprised that I see things so negatively from her sometimes. But it wasn't coming from a place of "hey, things are much better with us than you believe", it was more like "why do you see me as so mean?". Of course, I don't see her as mean or having malicious intent in any of this, which I explained to her. I said that it is hard to sustain a sense of hope and positivity in the midst of prolonged ambiguity. Then when I get hopeless, I do start to focus on particular elements and start "filling in the blanks" with things based upon fear. Why? Because it's like an attempt to constantly brace myself for an imminent ending.
Ironically, she's said in the past that she remains very ambiguous because she "doesn't want me to get me hopes up, and then get hurt if it doesn't work out". I understand and even appreciate where she is coming from on it. I think she feels that to venture forth anything hopeful or positive, she is trapped somehow in it. That creates a terrible catch 22...she can't venture hopefulness because it "entraps" her and I remain disconnected and hopeless.
On the other hand, I'm left constantly not knowing where things are at...feels like it's just hanging by a thread. It may be...I suppose it may be somewhat in a better place than that, but since she never tells me, it's hard to know. The move in MC has been for us to begin checking out assumptions w/each other...that's where this recent emailing has come from. I put forth an idea of wanting to get a little clarity re: boundaries...esp. how often is comfortable for us to see each other. I ventured forth it might be nice to connect a couple of times a week. She wrote back that this doesn't freak her out or make her want to run, but at the same time she's not sure she wants to do that. Of course, she didn't say what kind of contact she would be comfortable with, but I'm leaving it alone. I think this is stuff better facilitated in MC!!
Anyway, I'm still left with a real sense that this is more or less over with. I feel terrible, like I'm waiting for the shoe to drop. But what can I do? I need a partner to make a relationship work. I just can't believe she is so unwilling to try. My whole experience of her as a person has been shattered. And my heart? Well, that feels so trampled and broken.
Since that post several days ago, I have been feeling hopeless, but not the usual up and down rollercoaster thing. I feel a sinking sense...I just cannot imagine her re-engaging in the relationship. She says that sometimes I read things wrong, but I don't know how to read anything anymore. Baby steps were something I used to believe in seeing from her, but not anymore. I don't think any of her communication means anything more than guilt. I don't know anymore what things I'm distorting in my own thinking and if I'm being too negative. I feel like my reference points are gone in this. I just haven't had a thing from her to indicate a desire to reconcile...just that she feels bad about the idea of leaving because it will hurt me (not her, just me).
None of this fits with my experience just a few months ago of a loving and closely connected relationship. None of this idea of just leaving and not wanting to even try reconciling fits at all with my experience of my W. I can't identify with how this seems so clearly to be "unsalveagable" as a relationship. My god--there are so many excellent qualities--even the MC said after the first session that she was struck by how much strength, positive resources, and caring there was between us.
The worst part is feeling that she still cares about me, but has no desire to be with me. I think she's enjoying being on her own. I'm really feeling like I need to begin looking at steps to prep for selling our place and beginning to look for a new place to live. It is not because I am wanting to give up--I absolutely want this to work--but I just feel like the absence of signs of moving forward is a clear message that she doesn't want to be with me. How can I make it work by myself?? I've been trying to DB and it is a helpful guide for me, but I don't feel my W. is any more interested in reconciling. If she is, she hasn't told me or even hinted at it.
Does anyone have feedback for me? I feel really lost and so hopeless. I don't know how to read any of this anymore. I am so sorry that I don't have something better to post in this new thread. I really feel like a failure right now.
Hey Purr... I wouldnt look into selling the house just yet, you have enough on your mind and it might depress you? Just leave it as is (if you can afford it for now) unless she says anything to the contrary. Also, you have had a massive change, having to leave your home is another massive change, so hold off on that?
As for her not expressing any hope..you have been in MC with her, is it ALL about breaking up? What about some of her emotion she was showing after that one session? And emailing you after the next? She may well seem to be enjoying her time alone right now and its a shame you arent getting any clue otherwise, but I also thought my BF was enjoying being single. He was out alot, playing sport, drinking alot, booking holidays..turns out he has severe depression and was nearly suicidal. I'm just saying, appearances can be deceptive! I'm sure she isnt in that bad a place, but on the other hand, if she was struggling at all, I bet she wouldnt let you know that. Are there no mutual friends you have that you can sound out just a teeny bit, to get some inside info? I saw my BF best friends W, because I wanted to, but I suspected she would be the only person who could tell me anything, and she did, it helped give me a little boost to keep going. Is there noone you can email or run into and catch up with? Althuogh I guess you dont want to risk upsetting your W.
I identify with what you say about where did that loving close connection of just a few months ago go? Its like it went up in smoke.
Ok..well, what about 180s? Have you thught of that, can you post suggestions here as to what may have been amiss between you, or was it all about her unhappiness?
What about, if you can afford it, having a session with a DB coach to get their perspective, if you feel at the end of your rope? Or thiking of different approaches?
For example, what would the effect on yuor W be if you werent there on the end of the email or phone next time she has a work problem?? If you went a bit dark? You arent hearing from her at the moment, as she is away and has a very busy schedule you said, so its easy for her to put you out of her mind (but I bet you arent).
The fact that you are in MC is a lifeline, it may be fraying fast but its something...I would say, keep going. Thinking of you, I was looking out for your thread ! I hope some others come up with some help too.
Ali x ___________________ Me: 37 H: 34 T: 9 years ILYBINILWY: 2 Nov 07 Own apartment: 26 Jan 08 Depression confirmed!
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Hpw are you man? You sound like you are in the same exact spot in all this that I am at. The only dif is I am no longer in MC, W will not go anymore, you are still in MC which is great for you. The only thing I want to throw in is this is going to take a very long time. Give her lots of space. I see so many positive signs. I know it is hard but keep yourself busy and give her space. Make yourself interesting again. I like everything that Ali says above except going dark. Respond to her query's but keep it short and don't answer them the minute you get them.
You're VERY early on in all this. Like yours, my W is afraid of getting my hopes up. She was excited about my suggestion we go on Summer vacation together as a family, but then expressed concerns that she didn't want to get my hopes up. I think that reveals the confusion within them. They want to have a relationship/contact with us but don't want our hopes up.
You're way ahead of many of us in that your W is going to MC with you. Mine said early on she wouldn't go because it was over. That's WAY in your favor.
If I may, be careful about any action that seems agressive (mine calls it passive-agressive) like putting the house up for sale. Mlcer's are major into being into control, ironically because I believe they are very insecure. Try to back way off, give her space, let her figure things out for herself. She's the only one that can.
"The answers are within you" (can't remember who). Unfortunately, so is the bullshit.
Thank you very much, Ali, BT, and Sleeper. I think you are speaking wise words. I have been really making steps in engaging in my hobbies and meeting some new people. I did so today again. I feel proud of myself for doing this, as it is very important in my own growth as a person. At the same time, I also feel really sad because it is so natural to want to share this w/ W.
Re: selling the place, my W. is leasing an apt until the end of May. After that, I don't know what will happen. We've had no discussion about it so far and I don't think I want to raise it at this point. Rest assured, I was not going to sell the place, but I meant I would start to look around at where I may live next. This really kills me to do so, and my W. has not given any indication that I should be doing that. I guess I just feel that I was so hurt by her bomb of moving out in the beginning of December that I felt somehow I should "prepare". I know it sounds silly, but a part of me wanted to drop a "bomb" on her, where if she tells me it's over in a few weeks, I can say "I know, I've been looking at places for a month and have an offer on one to move in at the beginning of June". It's a stupid and childlike vengeful fantasy. I don't want to hurt her and the hard part is that I truly believe she does not want to hurt me.
Ali, no the MC is not all about breaking up. It's about "exploration" vs. reconciliation at this time. That means that the focus is understanding where we are now and how we got here. It is very helpful to have the MC to ask questions of my W. that would be much more difficult for her to hear from me.
I thank you all for your support. This board has been a very important connection for me. I do attend IC and the MC, but here is where I feel I can post and vent with people who really understand. You are my virtual buddies. I feel so sad but I am truly appreciative of your help and not giving up on me as a person.
That's better Purr. Just remember everyday you will get better. Accept that you are going through the hardest part of your life and life will only get better from here on out.
I've got MC this afternoon. Feeling kind of anxious about it. I emailed W. in response to something she sent me and I signed it "looking forward to seeing you tomorrow". She sent me an email and signed hers "looking forward to seeing you too".
For some reason I have this feeling that she may end things in this session, but I suppose that wouldn't necessarily fit with this kind of signing of emails. This is what I mean when I say I just don't really know if anything means anything anymore!
I'm pretty anxious about this session. I'm not sure exactly how to "be". I suppose the success of any given session depends as much on my W. as me. This is a tough one right now, given how hopeless I've been feeling for the last week. At least I know I don't want to be bringing all of that negativity in to the meeting. But I don't think I can be like Tony Robbins in some excited "I'm so happy we're going through this" attitude.
Any suggestions of how others have handled the feelings of hopelessness and how they have handled this kind of balancing act of PMA in MC?
It is tough to PMA when you feel so hopeless. I try to think of the things that I really enjoy like skiing in a foot of powder with the Sun beating down on me. Rubbing oil on a greta looking girl on the beach. What could be better. I know it is hard and I am having the same exact feelings of hopelessness. I just feel like she id one at that's it. We care no longer in MC and I am the only one trying to get things back on track. Just about the only thing i can hope for is for her to snap out of it. I don't think taht is happening anytime soon. Smile and PMA your butt off.
Hey Purr...how did it go then? Was there any progress? You didnt post so I hope it wasnt really bad news? If she signed her email looking forward to seeing you, I'd be surprised if it were bad news! Anyway, you had a tough time when she was away, your mind goes off in all directions when there is NC. I am experiencing this right now as my BF is away skiing and I am imagining that he is having a wonderful time, drinking schnapps and snogging chalet maids. The reality is, he is probably sick of the sight of his brother and his 4 mates, fed up of the stinking one room flat with 6 guys in it, constantly hung over, very very tired and desperate to leave. :-) I'm just saying, you dont really know..
Ali _______________ Me: 37 H: 34 T: 9 years ILYBINILWY: 2 Nov 07 Own apartment: 26 Jan 08 Depression confirmed!
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
