Relationship talk avoidance

[troubled_husband]

I am new at this so any of my opinions are just that, my opinions.

I tend to withdraw from my W in R discussions because they frequently become dumps on me. I will listen for a while to try to hear what nugget of truth might be in the dumps, but eventually I need to walk away from the conversation because the yelling, judging, or criticism is destructive to me. It is actually a technique that has been taught to me by my counselor, a couple of marriage counselors, and my 12 step group.

I am not saying that your discussions with your W match how my W approaches me. But I know that I have now been 'hypersensitized' to verbal/emotional abuse. As a result, my current level of tolerance is very low. I am a recovering codependent and the following is a real good synopsis (from Steve Frisch) of how a codependent responds over time.

1 - Say they won't tolerate certain behaviors from other people.
2 - Gradually increase their tolerance until they can tolerate and do things they said they would never do.
3 - Let others hurt them.
4 - Keep letting others hurt them.
5 - Wonder why they hurt so badly.
6 - Complain, blame, and try to control while they continue to stand there.
7 - Finally get angry.
8 - Become totally intolerant

For me, I hit stage 8 and am now in a recovery program. I am trying to learn what is healthy to tolerate and what is unhealthy. I don't know how this might apply to your R. But it is why I tend to avoid R discussions with my W unless there is a third party. Since we are no longer in counselling, I need to learn how to properly set boundaries and not walls. It is a difficult job.