Worried I found DB too late #2

[cw68]

I think I'm going to put a rubber band around my wrist and whenever I want to contact him, or start getting drowned in negative thoughts, I'm going to snap myself out of it!

[Virtually_Handsome]

You can do it! I saw how far you came in a short time a few weeks ago. Hang in there! When you get mad, post it here, rather than to him!

[newnamenewlife]

Hi CW,
I'm so sorry you've been having such a hard time. I just found this new thread of yours and caught up with it. I thought you and your H took turns moving out to an apt. It's not 50/50? Just trying to understand why your S feels like dad is the one not there.

As we've realized before, we are so much in the same boat. I'm pre-separation, but it is inevitable. I too worry about my kids--A LOT. D11, especially, is pre-pubescent and moody and ANGRY at me anyway much of the time (she's also separating from me, developmentally-- what fun! I feel so popular around here, let me tell you.) I SHUDDER to think at what I am in for when this bomb drops. I am going to want to move to TImbuktu.

You have been doing an incredible job at DBing. In fact, these are the first posts of yours where you show any sign of cracking or backsliding. I think, as great as DBing is, we are HUMAN--we are hurt, angry and in pain and we need to be gentle with ourselves when we lose it a bit. DBing is great, but it's also a lot of pressure at times to rise above, let go, act as if. Be proud of yourself for how much of that you've done, are doing and will do--but don't beat yourself up for being a human being--you are a mother with kids and responsibilities and a RIGHT to be hurting.

BIG FAT HUGS COMING YOUR WAY

[cw68]

Thanks guys. I really appreciate the support!

LMG, we share the apartment, but he's only at the house 5 out of every 14 days and they know that Dad was the one who wanted to move out. It's more like he visits here and I visit the apartment.

[cw68]

Grrr. What a horrible day. Our floors still aren't done (!) and I have guests arriving tomorrow. I think the stupid flooring guy wiped the hardwood down with something that was REALLY bad for the finish AND my H scraped a huge double track through the wood when he moved the fridge back. It's really bad. Seeing it just put me over the edge, the edge that I was clinging to. I just crumpled on the kitchen floor, all the stress pouring out of me. My H said he was sorry and just held me. I couldn't let him hold me for more than a few seconds though. His hugs just seem so empty. I was obviously upset and just said that I was just so lonely because, though I have good friends, I don't have anyone around me (except my kids) who simply love me, who just want to comfort me, who just love me unconditionally. Nobody. And then I left to go to the store. When I returned, I completely ignored him. I had to cancel on a friend's cancer-free 50th girls' sleepover party tonight because the house is still a torn-up pit and the other flooring guy was supposed to show tonight, of course he didn't. I was not in a good mood. Did a ton of things around the house, got parts of it looking OK. Said goodnight to the kids. Asked if I could use his laptop at the apartment. He gave it to me and started to give me a hug goodbye. I just said goodnight and walked out the door. Couldn't do it. It would have made me loose the tenuous grip that I had going on. Had to call him on the computer once I got to the apartment, made it very quick, not personal and ended the call promptly.

Then 30 minutes later he called me to ask me a question on laundry, "Did Alex use turpentine to clean the floor, the clothes in the washer smell like it?" Umm, I don't know. Bye.

I'm seeing a definite pattern here, one that's very predictable. Though we get along well, in general, and he doesn't shy from my touch or attention, dim is where it's at. I think I'm headed to dark.

I realized that with my backslide last night and my feeling today that I really am detaching. I'm angry in a much different way and I'm definitely feeling that he's the one who's broken, he's the one who's going to suffer the most should he decide to end this. It will be the most unfair on the kids, I'll get the most "screwed" but he's the one who's the mess. I don't deserve this. I was a good wife, I deserve unconditional love, I didn't deserve my spouse just saying one day without warning that he was unhappy and wanted a divorce. This situation is not my fault and I hold very little responsibility for it. I hold responsibility for some issues in our marriage, without doubt, but he's the louse who didn't give me the respect of a chance, he's the louse who looked outside of the marriage for another woman's support. If he can't come around, he doesn't deserve me.

[Virtually_Handsome]

((((((((cw68))))))))

I don't really have a thing I can say, but I thought you should know that someone is reading, and cares!

You do deserve better. Once this chaos is over, maybe yu'll be able to plot a course to get it.

[cw68]

Thanks Jeff. I just have to get through the next week. H plans on being around us a lot, and even mentioned that it was something that meant a lot of working to him, that he was really going to focus on being a family. We'll see what that means, what that brings.

As I told him, I know he's capable of better. Time will tell whether or not he can harness that or if he's followed him mother's footsteps and just given up. We really are products of our environment.

[JenInVen]

Hi did you manage to get some peace and quiet before your guests arrived?

Jen

[cw68]

A little, but not much. Just grabbing a moment here to catch up, but I'm not really going to be able to post much of what's going on. Interestingly enough, H has physically reached out to me a few times in the past two days, putting his arm around me, taking my hand and the like. Not a lot, but a few times and that is very unlike him of late.

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((cw68)))))

Good luck this week. Hope everything goes well!