Actually, the weekend was a tear fest. I decided on the drive home I should go as dark as possible on my H for my own mental stability. Every convo. w/him leaves me emotional...Like you w/your wife Woog, I am finally getting anger mixed in with the sadness. I told him tonight that if we do divorce I will NOT tell the kids it was a joint decision. I know the counselors say don't place any blame but I NEVER wanted to end our marriage so I am not going down for it if it happens.....
We had a couple R convos brought about by both of us at times. Big picture summary is
1)H still loves me 2)H wants us to be a family 3)H is sick at the thought of telling S when we separate (we are now but S thinks it is for the job, that will change when me and kids move up) 4)H says w/all that has gone wrong (2 affairs, 1 one night stand, lies, lies, lies) he is afraid to try again and wind up in the same place--I pointed out those were all things brought about by HIM 5)H apologized for saying I was weak for loving/accepting him anyway, says he never should have said that 6)H says there is nothing good about us separating/divorcing, he will miss me, the kids, our family life, all his dreams, plans, etc 7)H says he has a lot of anger and confusion and is not in a place where he can try again until personal work is done (I pointed out that is why we went to MC but it didn't help b/c he was screwing someone else the whole time--but I said something nicer than screwing!)
Anyway there were a lot of tears on my part, anger on his part. He said when he is upset he chooses anger over tears? Said he has punched quite a few things over the weekend (walls, doors not people) due to his frustration w/his situation. Says maybe he is too screwed up to be with ANYONE...but did reiterate that it has been over w/OW since last Friday. Can't believe that b/c he has said it before but can't worry about it right now either.
Anyway after our last talk H loaded the kids in my car. Then he came over and gave me a hug before I left?? My bottom line to him was: 1)I have done all I know to do and won't repeat my e-mail (he mentioned it during our convo. lizzy) to him in our arguments
2)I am upset w/him for not fighting for me after all I have done for him over the years, I feel I deserve fighting for
3)I am not telling the kids we are S until I move up there, which will be a couple months (obviously I am not in a hurry to do this and I also hope H will be in IC by then so he can get a grip on his emotions before we have the talk)
4)For the time being, he may call the kids whenever he wants to talk but I am not interested in talking to him right now as it just frustrates me.
5)I will support his wish to do some "family" things together (next weekend we will spend Easter Sunday together) b/c I want us to be a team for the kids
Anyway it is too much of a roller coaster. He says things like, I was in that church too and I meant what I said just like you did (re. our wedding vow), OR I do love you still and I don't want us to stop being together, OR if I leave you I won't have any of my dreams, you, the kids and me together, my cattle business (he says he will have no money if we D to spend on cattle), OR I don't know what is wrong with me I don't know why I am like this, AND FINALLY if I could say it was over and done with tonight I would so we could both move on, but I don't want it to be over
BUT THEN HE ALSO SAYS
If things were so great with us, so rosy, I wouldn't have done what I have done to you 3 times.....I don't want to tell you today that I am in it forever and then hurt you again and be right back here again........counseling hasn't helped me (never had personal, only couples and he lied the whole time about OW)....maybe I shouldn't be w/anyone
ANYWAY I know this is super long but I have been away!! So I don't want to talk to him for awhile b/c it will help me heal a little I think not to have to talk to him and feel that love I have for him and the hurt of not feeling it back. Also it will help me to remember that HE is the one screwing things up so maybe I can stop somehow feeling bad for him when I should be mega-pi$$ed at him right now. Also I know they say on here never to do anything to punish your spouse. And maybe that isn't the word for it. But he keeps saying he isn't "happy" being M to me.
So I am thinking, let's see, after a few weeks of not being around me, talking to me, etc., let's see how "happy" he is. I can bet a million dollars he won't be. B/C I am NOT in charge of his happiness. And he needs to see that for himself....I highly doubt that me being "out of the picture" is going to suddenly put him on cloud nine. In fact, the reality of passing the kids back/forth and not having our usual friendly convos during the week I hope will shake him up a little. But honestly I am still mostly cutting off communications right now b/c I can't take all this crying and hurt that comes after I hang up the phone......
