Actually, the weekend was a tear fest. I decided on the drive home I should go as dark as possible on my H for my own mental stability. Every convo. w/him leaves me emotional...Like you w/your wife Woog, I am finally getting anger mixed in with the sadness. I told him tonight that if we do divorce I will NOT tell the kids it was a joint decision. I know the counselors say don't place any blame but I NEVER wanted to end our marriage so I am not going down for it if it happens.....
We had a couple R convos brought about by both of us at times. Big picture summary is
1)H still loves me 2)H wants us to be a family 3)H is sick at the thought of telling S when we separate (we are now but S thinks it is for the job, that will change when me and kids move up) 4)H says w/all that has gone wrong (2 affairs, 1 one night stand, lies, lies, lies) he is afraid to try again and wind up in the same place--I pointed out those were all things brought about by HIM 5)H apologized for saying I was weak for loving/accepting him anyway, says he never should have said that 6)H says there is nothing good about us separating/divorcing, he will miss me, the kids, our family life, all his dreams, plans, etc 7)H says he has a lot of anger and confusion and is not in a place where he can try again until personal work is done (I pointed out that is why we went to MC but it didn't help b/c he was screwing someone else the whole time--but I said something nicer than screwing!)
Anyway there were a lot of tears on my part, anger on his part. He said when he is upset he chooses anger over tears? Said he has punched quite a few things over the weekend (walls, doors not people) due to his frustration w/his situation. Says maybe he is too screwed up to be with ANYONE...but did reiterate that it has been over w/OW since last Friday. Can't believe that b/c he has said it before but can't worry about it right now either.
Anyway after our last talk H loaded the kids in my car. Then he came over and gave me a hug before I left?? My bottom line to him was: 1)I have done all I know to do and won't repeat my e-mail (he mentioned it during our convo. lizzy) to him in our arguments
2)I am upset w/him for not fighting for me after all I have done for him over the years, I feel I deserve fighting for
3)I am not telling the kids we are S until I move up there, which will be a couple months (obviously I am not in a hurry to do this and I also hope H will be in IC by then so he can get a grip on his emotions before we have the talk)
4)For the time being, he may call the kids whenever he wants to talk but I am not interested in talking to him right now as it just frustrates me.
5)I will support his wish to do some "family" things together (next weekend we will spend Easter Sunday together) b/c I want us to be a team for the kids
Anyway it is too much of a roller coaster. He says things like, I was in that church too and I meant what I said just like you did (re. our wedding vow), OR I do love you still and I don't want us to stop being together, OR if I leave you I won't have any of my dreams, you, the kids and me together, my cattle business (he says he will have no money if we D to spend on cattle), OR I don't know what is wrong with me I don't know why I am like this, AND FINALLY if I could say it was over and done with tonight I would so we could both move on, but I don't want it to be over
BUT THEN HE ALSO SAYS
If things were so great with us, so rosy, I wouldn't have done what I have done to you 3 times.....I don't want to tell you today that I am in it forever and then hurt you again and be right back here again........counseling hasn't helped me (never had personal, only couples and he lied the whole time about OW)....maybe I shouldn't be w/anyone
ANYWAY I know this is super long but I have been away!! So I don't want to talk to him for awhile b/c it will help me heal a little I think not to have to talk to him and feel that love I have for him and the hurt of not feeling it back. Also it will help me to remember that HE is the one screwing things up so maybe I can stop somehow feeling bad for him when I should be mega-pi$$ed at him right now. Also I know they say on here never to do anything to punish your spouse. And maybe that isn't the word for it. But he keeps saying he isn't "happy" being M to me.
So I am thinking, let's see, after a few weeks of not being around me, talking to me, etc., let's see how "happy" he is. I can bet a million dollars he won't be. B/C I am NOT in charge of his happiness. And he needs to see that for himself....I highly doubt that me being "out of the picture" is going to suddenly put him on cloud nine. In fact, the reality of passing the kids back/forth and not having our usual friendly convos during the week I hope will shake him up a little. But honestly I am still mostly cutting off communications right now b/c I can't take all this crying and hurt that comes after I hang up the phone......
I feel for you and let me just say that I understand that in spite of all the lies you still are not angry. I surprised myself a few months ago after being lied to. However, I have come to the realization that I am not sure i want to be with the type of person my W has become. Perhaps you should lean in the same direction.
So I am thinking, let's see, after a few weeks of not being around me, talking to me, etc., let's see how "happy" he is. I can bet a million dollars he won't be. B/C I am NOT in charge of his happiness. And he needs to see that for himself....I highly doubt that me being "out of the picture" is going to suddenly put him on cloud nine. In fact, the reality of passing the kids back/forth and not having our usual friendly convos during the week I hope will shake him up a little. But honestly I am still mostly cutting off communications right now b/c I can't take all this crying and hurt that comes after I hang up the phone......
I think this is very wise BBJ. I know that you and H planned to S awhile ago and it didn't happen. I think that this time apart will do both of you good. It will give you some time to heal and hopefully H will start to get his $hit together. I really don't think their is much hope of restoring your R until H gets so serious IC. I know he was planning to do that once he moved, what is the status of that now? My H started IC 9 1/2 months ago but I didn't really see much change in him until 8 months into it. What I'm trying to tell you is that if you are expecting H to change you have to be willing to wait it out.
I'm home w/ D10. Nasty cough that kept her up last night.
I am sorry to hear about the weekend, but I am not surprised. I think you two needed to get this discussion behind you. You need to focus on what's right for you now. If that means not talking to him, going a little dark that may be a good thing.
Look at it this way, he has done all of these things (affairs, lies, one night stands) and you have let him back into your heart. He hasn't know what a consequence is. Now maybe he does. Let him feel it for a while. Let him understand the mistakes he made. Until he hits bottom he isn't going to change and realize what a special woman he was married to. Maybe then he will get the help he needs. You can't force it on him. He needs to find it on his own.
I told him tonight that if we do divorce I will NOT tell the kids it was a joint decision. I know the counselors say don't place any blame but I NEVER wanted to end our marriage so I am not going down for it if it happens.....
This is anger and you need to understand that passing it on to your kids could only damage the R with their father. It is true that he is the main cause of the breakdown, but that is an issue between you and him. In the best interest of the kids, they need to respect both of their parents. As much as you are angry and disappointed in your H for being a dope in messing up your married family life, you need to suck it in when it comes to preserving the bond between him and his children.
Originally Posted By: BobbiJo
2)I am upset w/him for not fighting for me after all I have done for him over the years, I feel I deserve fighting for
I feel the exact same thing about my W. She says that she has thought about coming back, but I need her to prove to me on her own how much she wants back and take the effort to figure out how she can convince me that she is going to be changed for good foreever.
Thanks guys for all the words of support.....I already HAD to talk to H but kept it minimal. Came home at 12:30 a.m. from Iowa last night. Wanted to look at the basement bathroom that H had been working on. Well, the shower faucet was dripping, like one drop per second, consistently. So the baseboard 2x4 was soaked, an 18" section of drywall was soaked, etc etc etc.
I but a bucket under the drip and propped it up b/c it had to rest on the 2x4 frame and the bucket was a 5 gal bucket, so it overhung quite a bit. Then I called H to tell him what was up. He sounded bummed about it, said put a bucket under it and prop it up--told him that was done. He said he'd have to think about what else to do since he won't be back down here for 2 weeks (we are up there for Easter next weekend).
I got a TM from him that said, "We will probably have to call a plumber to fix my mistake. Another thing I suck at". So obviously he has no PMA at this time.....I dumped the bucket this morning and plan to just watch it until he figures out a solution...H sent me a TM this morning that he may have his dad come down and try to fix it...
On an unrelated note, I went in our bedroom this morning to put away some laundry. 11 days ago when I found out he was still w/OW, I took our wedding photo off his dresser b/c it seemed like such a joke, and it was depressing to me to look at us smiling and so happy, and to see us how we are now......anyway I stuck it in his dresser on the side with shelves. Just stuck it in between some pj pants of his. This morning it was out on the dresser again, laying face up, but not propped up. The pj pants were where they had always been, so he must have put them back after he picked up the picture?? Weird
Oh well I have lots to do to get this place clean and organized. I am a "piler"--I will clear off the counter or some other area and put the "pile" of papers and stuff somewhere else. Now I need to confront the piles.....So naturally I am on the computer instead
Also maybe this is dumb but I am thinking about buying a cute, simple ring to wear where I used to wear my wedding ring. My finger feels a little lonely and maybe having something sparkly and fun will make it feel better?? I know we aren't divorced and maybe we never will be but while we are in this state I don't feel like wearing my ring, it seems phony to me somehow...
Didn't think of that part Kerry. I am definitely not ready to be pursued. Although I did mention to H that if we are separated for a long time I am worried that I would be vulnerable to OM attention b/c I thrive on affection/touch/encouraging words, all of which H knows. I told him I would never want to do anything outside our M b/c of the pain I have experienced from his doing so, but at the same time if I met someone in my job that wanted to listen to me, encourage me, and make me feel like I was special, I would have to really guard myself against the temptation. He looked a little sick about that....I don't think it has ever occurred to him that I might move on instead of waiting for him.....
