Well, I had a talk with W tonite about financials and some other things. She is calm, collected.
I told her about some deals that will happen and what they will mean financially. She gave me the "oh, I'm glad that's working out you deserve it because you worked so hard". Neutral, unexcited. Just dry.
I did say that it's been difficult because I haven't magically been cured of the anxiety I had the past year and she offered to help me pay for a doctors appt and medicine. I told her that I'm relying on exercise and diet which is helping and that my counselor said I will be fine and that I would rather spend the money on BILLS. I explained to her the REAL bills that must be paid and that while the bills she pays are important, they account for 1/4 of the monthly overhead.
She seems to think that if I don't run out and see a doctor, get meds, whatever, that it's a 'cop out' and I need some kind of treatment. I get the feeling she is painting me as some kind of loser in need of psychiatric help and the 'fact' that I'm not doing what SHE thinks I should do - get medication - further proves that I am messed up and she needs to detach from me.
I told her it would be nicer if she would be a little more friendly, and she said that this is the way she has to 'do it'. She has to detach from me.
This all makes sense. she sees me as a 'sick person' who can't or won't get help and since I won't do things that she thinks I should do, like run and see a doctor to get meds. Whatever. the conversation was one in which no matter what I said, she just had no emotion. She is detached, and just talks to me like she is avoiding getting sucked into 'drama' with me.
I guess that would make sense. I've been an emotional mess for so long and the only way she can 'save herself' is to detach from that emotion. She can't help me so she has to detach from me or go down with the ship.
Maybe it really is me. Maybe she is the sensible one. I sure feel that way. I'm being needy again. She is detached, indifferent.
She does not love me any more. Just like that.
My kids are hurt. She still plans on moving out and hopes I keep the house. None of this makes sense any more.
