My original thread describing my situation is under the Newcomers section and is titled, "I'm New and Welcome Your Advice". It's long, but in summary, August 2008 was to have been our 25th Wedding Anniversary. To celebrate the occasion H planned four big vacations for us, friends will be joining us in April. The day before we were to leave on the first vacation H told me we would be going as friends not as lovers and that there was "someone else about whom he had feelings."
We weren't sure whether to make the April trip but, H really wanted to go, and my DB coach encouraged me to go and have a great time. H has not yet moved out, and I have been DB'ing like crazy and really working at GAL. We celebrated his birthday two weeks ago and he has mentioned celebrating mine next week. I thought things were going well, except for one night, when I asked him to come back to bed and he shouted, "I don't even want to be married, why should I come back to bed!"
At present I am visiting my elderly parents to be sure they will be all right while I am away. H just e-mailed this draft of an e-mail he wants to send to our Travel Agent.
He called to warn me that it was blunt and to the point. How shall I respond? I don't agree with the numerous statements which refer to joint decisions to end the marriage, yet don't want to be obstructionist. I told him I needed to read it first and then discuss it with him. I think I've bought some time to obtain the benefit of your collective wisdom.
Thanks so much, I'mstillhopeful, (who may be losing hope after reading his feelings in black and white.)
We are both looking forward to the April vacation, but there just one teeny change: We do not wish to celebrate our anniversary. No this is not a spat we are having or some "negative whim". We have had many years together (well 25 to be exact, if you just count the marriedyears) but this year are deciding to part ways.
I remember you asking on the phone once, which of the vacations did we plan to consider to be our "anniversary celebration ". I answered it would be this one. This is why I wanted to let you know. We do plan to go on this trip, we do plan to have a great time, and we do recognize many good times, great growth, and continued good will. However, as I am sure you realize, these long-term things are quite complex, and for our own reasons we do not plan to have a 26th.
Not that we were expecting anything in particular, but just wanted to give you the "inside scoop" on this, as I recalled you had asked sometime last year.
Me: 59 H: 59 Together: 28 years Married: 25 years in August "There may be someone else" 12/26/07 H signed a one year lease 4/1/08 H moved out 5/11/08 H beginning to show a tiny amount of interest 7/5/08 Is it possible that he is courting me? 9/30/08
Ok so why is he sending that email to a travel agent??? I don't get it. It sounds too personal for an agency. If he wants to let them know it's not an anniversary trip fine but to describe in such great detail to them?
Jen
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
That is insane. I mean who continues to move forward with a big trip like this, but oops, not as spouses, just as friends? I'mStillHopeful, can you honestly go on this trip under those conditions and enjoy yourself? Personally I wouldn't be able to go. I think your H is joining the club here and I'm truly sorry. I think that email is also incredibly personal and not something you write to a travel agent.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Ok so why is he sending that email to a travel agent??? I don't get it. It sounds too personal for an agency. If he wants to let them know it's not an anniversary trip fine but to describe in such great detail to them?Jen
I'm not sure, although he is comunicating with our agent who will be on the trip and will be guest at one of the parties we have planned. His willingness to share personal information has always been something which has made me slightly uncomfortable. I imagine me asking him to not share such details over the years is one of the things he refers to as me dominating the relationship.
Me: 59 H: 59 Together: 28 years Married: 25 years in August "There may be someone else" 12/26/07 H signed a one year lease 4/1/08 H moved out 5/11/08 H beginning to show a tiny amount of interest 7/5/08 Is it possible that he is courting me? 9/30/08
Im still I dont know..these guys are crazy and do strange things frequently My H was just the opposite though..he didnt want many people to know and if he told someone, he would say we split up or the M has been over for years he never saqid the truth which was I woke up one day and decided not to be M- we tried to work it out but couldnt..all BS In his mind it must make some kind of sense, so I think it is ok to ask him- whenever I have asked H, he does explain his reasonings..many times they dont make sense to me though.. I was told to just validate and affirm If your H is just beginning this journey this will take time maybe ignore it ..they say and do things that constantl;y indicate R is over and this will continue till he is out of the tunnel put on your seatbelt keep DB and try to take care of you You will probably not be able to get through to your H for quite some time 1-2 years post bomb they say good luck peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
stillhopeful, Have you read The Prodigal's Perspective by Bob Steinkemp? They try to convince themselves and their spouses that what they decide is right and that they're happy. If you decide to go on the trip, be sure to enjoy yourself and GAL on the trip as much as possible. Let him see that you are fun and that others find your company enjoyable too. Plan to show yourself to him as the person he first fell in love with. Jog his memmory. If possible, be mysterious. If it's within your budget, update your wardrobe and wear things that are different but that he finds attractive. New perfume, new hairdo, makeup, etc.
As for the note, maybe you could say that the note doesn't exactly reflect your thoughts about ending the M but that you respect his wish to end the M and if it makes him happy, he can send it....
I think so too. He booked the other trips while fully involved in an EA with the OW. (I had no idea at the time.) While we were preparing for the January trip and before he admitted that there was someone else less than a week before we were to leave he told me that I should consider going by myself!!
Originally Posted By: hopefloats7
I mean who continues to move forward with a big trip like this, but oops, not as spouses, just as friends? I'mStillHopeful, can you honestly go on this trip under those conditions and enjoy yourself? Personally I wouldn't be able to go.
It has got to be easier than the January trip when I had just been blind-sided and he was extremely cold and distant. (I later learned that he had prepared a journal for her and at appointed times they would think of each other and send each other telepathic messages.) My coach has told me to make use of every minute we're together to demonstrate PMA, and to show him the woman he fell in love with 28 years ago. He has been at home and my 180's are having some positive results. Every positive interaction he and I have will be to the good - now or in the future. At least I feel better and more energetic. In my favor at least is the fact that the OW is jealous, at one point told him she would not tolerate it if he went on the April trip. (He is a very tactile person and she was upset when he hugged another co-worker.)
(I learned all this before I knew about DB and when I was quite the detective.) He has no idea that I am aware of these details.
I need advice about what to do regarding that letter he wants to send to the travel agent. If I agree then it appears that we both want to dissolve the marriage.
Me: 59 H: 59 Together: 28 years Married: 25 years in August "There may be someone else" 12/26/07 H signed a one year lease 4/1/08 H moved out 5/11/08 H beginning to show a tiny amount of interest 7/5/08 Is it possible that he is courting me? 9/30/08
Im still I dont know..these guys are crazy and do strange things frequently ...they say and do things that constantly indicate R is over and this will continue till he is out of the tunnel put on your seatbelt keep DB and try to take care of you You will probably not be able to get through to your H for quite some time 1-2 years post bomb they say good luck peace
Thanks for that. I was beginning to think that he needs to reassure himself that he wants to be out of the marriage. I know he has been leery of doing anything which might rekindle our relationship. e.g. will not accept invitations to walk the dog, is reluctant to accept small kindnesses from me. Just before I left for my parent's house we had been out to dinner twice and he was no longer sleeping on the very edge of the bed. I don't know if we can remain non-divorced long enough to see the end of the tunnel. OW is pressuring him.
Me: 59 H: 59 Together: 28 years Married: 25 years in August "There may be someone else" 12/26/07 H signed a one year lease 4/1/08 H moved out 5/11/08 H beginning to show a tiny amount of interest 7/5/08 Is it possible that he is courting me? 9/30/08
stillhopeful, Have you read The Prodigal's Perspective by Bob Steinkemp? They try to convince themselves and their spouses that what they decide is right and that they're happy.
No, but now I will!
Originally Posted By: plentyhope
If you decide to go on the trip, be sure to enjoy yourself and GAL on the trip as much as possible. Let him see that you are fun and that others find your company enjoyable too. Plan to show yourself to him as the person he first fell in love with. Jog his memmory. If possible, be mysterious. If it's within your budget, update your wardrobe and wear things that are different but that he finds attractive. New perfume, new hairdo, makeup, etc.
Will certainly try to do that! Part of the trip will be a breeze, the other part, where he leaves me in Europe so he can return to the OW might be a little more difficult. But I'm going to do it.
Originally Posted By: plentyhope
As for the note, maybe you could say that the note doesn't exactly reflect your thoughts about ending the M but that you respect his wish to end the M and if it makes him happy, he can send it....
Excellent! That is exactly what I was looking for!!! Thank you!!
Me: 59 H: 59 Together: 28 years Married: 25 years in August "There may be someone else" 12/26/07 H signed a one year lease 4/1/08 H moved out 5/11/08 H beginning to show a tiny amount of interest 7/5/08 Is it possible that he is courting me? 9/30/08
My ex scheduled tons of trips when he was having his EA and PA with me. He was definitely cake eating, but had difficulty distinguishing between his 2 worlds.
I would just acknowledge his letter and let him send it. He may or may not follow through with it. I agree the letter is insane. I think he is just looking for a reaction from you. Be calm and happy when you talk about it.
THESE GUYS ARE SO WEIRD.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
