I think the biggest 180 I have done is try to be happy.. as I mentioned to you all I was in a really negative place leading up to the bomb.. mostly about work.. and I'm pretty sure it was difficult to come home to someone so unhappy.. so I'm trying to be more positive.
I also am asking more about his work and he is volunteering more about his work.. I was always his biggest cheerleader. His family wasn't very supportive and it was a long hard road for him.. now that he's reached some success his family is showing them he is proud.. but I have always been proud.. I think I was so self absorbed due to my work situation and being a Mom that I stopped being the supportive person he needed me to be. I became negative and always worried about expenses and just the daily household and mother type stuff. I began resenting how much he was away from home and how I had to do everything.. 'cause he used to be VERY helpful around the house.. and wasn't able to be anymore.. whereas I took on more things since he couldn't do them anymore, plus was working a job I hated, plus was the full time parent. I just was in a really bad place, exhausted and felt unappreciated. What I didn't realize is that a big part of his drive to succeed (although I know EGO is definitely in there as well) is to support us, his family.. and since I wasn't being supportive anymore he was feel used and hurt.. He likely felt I didn't respect him anymore and I'm sure he wasn't feeling much respect for me either.
We have also had sex a few times.. and although its not the best DBing it is a 180 from where we were in our SSM.
I have backslid with relationship talks every couple of weeks it seems.. but at the same time he seems to react down the line to some of the things that have come up during these talks.. like when I said to him that I don't know how is ever going to view me as anything more than D2's Mommy when that is the only time he ever sees me.
He's always liked my humour.. and our friendly conversations as of late have allowed me the opportunity to whip out my quit whit.. I know that humour is a huge turn on for him (as it also is for me).
We were so good once upon a time.. I still don't know how I was so blind to see how far we'd fallen or grown apart...
I know that I need to be the person he can count on and confide in... so the more he lets me in to his life the better.. I just need to keep being happy.
My plan is still to join parents without partners. I had wanted to do it this week but the director at D2's daycare was away this week (March break) and I need her as a reference to prove that I am separated. I'm really looking forward to meeting some new people.. people that I won't feel I'm pulling away from their families on the weekends.. since weekends do seem to be the only time families have to spend together.
Oh, I forgot to mention.. One of the other things I said to H when we had our last R talk last weekend.. was that I knew his work was going to be crazy over the next couple of years.. with all of his hours and that it was going to be really tough on us.. but that never once did it cross my mind to look for someone else even though we weren't able to really grow our relationship at the time.. that I had thought I was making the best of the situation and that after he had paid his dues there would be all the time in the world for D2 and I.. but he instead looked at the time apart and the distance that was growing as reason to consider dating other people or pursuing other relationships.. I told him I didn't understand how two people could react it two such different ways.
I know that he loves me and doesn't want to hurt me.. but he is just looking out for his best interest... In time I hope he realizes that I am that best interest. What we had is gone.. but it can hopefully be rebuilt into something much stronger... and much more beautiful.
We'll see if this date happens.. he needs to do the legwork for that. I do know that I'll see him tomorrow for his night with D2.. and he's bringing phad thai (sp?) which we both LOVE.. although he thinks I'm wimpy for not getting it HOT like he does. I only get one flame and he gets two!
But I've babbled on long enough. Gotta get back to "Meet the Robinsons".
