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Originally Posted By: No_More_Dodo
Originally Posted By: Dom R
...
Unfortunately, once they cross that line, some people decide "well, i crossed the line now, so here's where I am", and decide that they "cant go back".


...
Dom R,

I was giving that as an example.... I have been very tempted... I have had many other opportunities... When I say opportunities, I am not talking about having sex....

I am saying opportunities to really think twice about my M..... To think, this gal really likes me... If I were not with my wife, I could give her a go..... That is where it all starts....



For most people who have an affair, it would seem to be the opposite.

Most people, going by what they wrote, got tempted by the one-night-stand, or the subtly growing emotional affair, FIRST.
Most people dont think out and rationalize, "i'm unhappy with my marriage maybe I should give this a go..."
They always describe it as, "well, it 'just happened'".


Then, once they are "hooked on a feeling....",

Then, they start "thinking twice" about their commitment to their marriage, rewriting the past, etc, etc.


My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D.
Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M.
3 wonderful sons caught in the middle


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Originally Posted By: Dom R
Originally Posted By: No_More_Dodo
Originally Posted By: Dom R
...
Unfortunately, once they cross that line, some people decide "well, i crossed the line now, so here's where I am", and decide that they "cant go back".


...
Dom R,

I was giving that as an example.... I have been very tempted... I have had many other opportunities... When I say opportunities, I am not talking about having sex....

I am saying opportunities to really think twice about my M..... To think, this gal really likes me... If I were not with my wife, I could give her a go..... That is where it all starts....



For most people who have an affair, it would seem to be the opposite.

Most people, going by what they wrote, got tempted by the one-night-stand, or the subtly growing emotional affair, FIRST.
Most people dont think out and rationalize, "i'm unhappy with my marriage maybe I should give this a go..."
They always describe it as, "well, it 'just happened'".


Then, once they are "hooked on a feeling....",

Then, they start "thinking twice" about their commitment to their marriage, rewriting the past, etc, etc.


Dom R,

That is true... There is not one way it progresses.... I guess I am writing when one is married, you should not leave the door "open" to anyone or anything.... You should protect your marriage and respect your spouse....

I believe one needs to analyze any "unhappiness." I believe too many people are blaming their spouse for their "unhappiness" and believe another person can "fix" them..... They need to be happy with themselves BEFORE they can find any other happiness....

No_More_Dodo


"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last --more than passion or even sex!" - Simone Signoret
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Originally Posted By: Dom R
Unfortunately, once they cross that line, some people decide "well, i crossed the line now, so here's where I am", and decide that they "cant go back".


Dom R,

Just another thought... I think part of the problem with these people is they do not want to go back to their spouse to actually face the pain they caused... They also do not want to admit to family and friends what they have done.... I think it is another way to avoid taking responsibility for one's actions....

No_More_Dodo


"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last --more than passion or even sex!" - Simone Signoret
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Update..

Well, W and OM have decided to go away this weekend for whatever...once again, my kids are excited as hell to want me to have them this weekend...as they seem to always do anymore. Boy, does this piss W off. Wonder why?

I read on here or somewhere, that if we have God's favor, he will set us apart from the ungodly spouse...so, maybe this is God's intention for me at this time, while he performs his magic on W. While I hope this works, still unsure if I want it for my M to someday come together again, or if I want it just because I care about her.

I guess she lost all her friends now...just has OM and her mom, and my MIL will only say that she will stick by her daughter, even if she doesn't like her decision-making...very noble, but at the same time..I don't know..

So, soon my D7 and S3 will follow SD12's attitude and basically move away from her and her life....W says she wants her own life, but it seems she is getting it at a BIG cost....

Meanwhile, I play the dad who is stable and sane..and doesn't bring a girl home evry other month for the kids to meet...which SD12 really cries about...makes me sad and angry...how a great mother can fall from grace like this..and lose respect from everyone around her. My kids want me more than her, and that is sad.

So, something has to give here..something has to snap her back to reality. What will transpire before she realizes what she has done to herself and everyone else? If she wants OM, I can deal and cope with it...but when I see that she has nothing but OM, I'm sorry, the new car smell of OM will wear, and then what?

She's got a reputation already, if you know what I mean, got many deep issues, I met her, and she became a great woman, lover, wife, and mother....now she gets a taste of single life again, and floodgates open for her that would horrify some WAHs...nothing seems off-limits for this woman at this time.

So now she claims she has fallen in love after one week of meeting this OM...been there, done that..Sd12 asked me how long this one will last before Mom kicks him out...oh, boy..I don't know what to do anymore...If I step in, I will see nothing but a tongue-lashing, justification, denial, and overreactions. She thinks everyone else has the problems...especially when they mention the "unfit mother" thing...yikes, lookout on that comment!

So, as I sit here and basically blog on a Friday night, with my kids fast asleep, I at least know they are safe and calm with me. There will be no drama and I wont find other things to occupy myself with or set precedence over my kids for. I just allow them to be kids...Thank you, Lord, for keeping my sane through this.

And, I thank you, Lord, for giving my strength to want my W back, not as in possible reconcilation, but as a PERSON AND FRIEND who use to be a intelligent, level-headed, faithful woman...to this..

I miss that woman...this one I see now, I would rather stay single..

God bless

Chevelle

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Let me add a little extra to the "blog" I posted a few minutes ago..

I read a lot of these posts, new and archived, about success stories, rebuilding lives after divorces, or just people who drift away without knowing any outcome..why do I feel that this woman has changed so much and done so many things that we would consider them "regrets".

Maybe looking at it negatively..this could be the REAL W and maybe I saw a different or "alien" W when I was married to her. Thats not good PMA or GALing, but more "thinking outside the box". It could happen..we, as humans, tend to do some strange things, dont we?

All these things W has done, but still feel she cares about me...I am very short with her and sometimes monotone when I talk to her. I don't ask anything about her life or adventures. Thats my 180..all I feel I'm good for to her now, is a babysitter and a check for CS...and to think, she once told me she loved me more than words can say....

I have received so many blessings in the last two years.(which is the length of S) So many people I have known for years ask me.."Why are you still single?" Heh, I only they knew..hell, I wish I knew! I don't really pine over her anymore, but something keeps me from meeting potential dates and such, that I don't know why. If Im such a good man, why don't single women see that?

Could be a subconscious defense mechanism..push away that which will hurt me again like W did. Im a positive person, but I have my moments where my brain can think of nothing but "Why and How?"

When does this end? Do I need to file for D to truly move on? Is that what God is telling me? "Leave this person to complete the trial, and then I will show you what true love is in a woman?" Maybe, I am still sitting outside the high school dance, thinking no woman will dance with me, instead of just walking in and asking one to...sure there is a few wallflowers in there...

Well, Im going out Sat night to see a band with a bunch of friends for St Patty's Day. Im gonna have fun this weekend!

God Bless

Chevelle

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Chevelle,

I personally believe you are seeing who your wife really is.... It is really tough to see the truth.... For me, it was by far the most difficult thing I had ever faced.... The love of my life, was just another woman...... She was nothing special... She was NOT the woman I thought she was..... I wonder what her parents would have thought of her actions if they were alive.......

I found the song "Special" by Garbage on my computer which my exW used to listen to. Check out the lyrics...

Quote:
I'm living without you but
I know all about you
I have run you down into the ground
Spread disease about you over town

I used to adore you
I couldn't control you
There was nothing that I wouldn't do
To keep myself around and close to you

Do you have an opinion
A mind of your own
I thought you were special
I thought you should know
But I've run out of patience
I couldn't care less

Do you have an opinion
A mind of your own
I thought you were special
I thought you should know

I used to amuse you
But I knew that I'd lose you
Now you're here and begging for a chance
But there's no way in hell I'd take you back


Interesting.......

No_More_Dodo

Last edited by No_More_Dodo; 03/15/08 05:45 AM.

"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last --more than passion or even sex!" - Simone Signoret
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Originally Posted By: Chevelle

Maybe looking at it negatively..this could be the REAL W and maybe I saw a different or "alien" W when I was married to her. Thats not good PMA or GALing, but more "thinking outside the box". It could happen..we, as humans, tend to do some strange things, dont we?


I think that you are attempting to do what many affairees do; to rewrite the past, to make themselves feel better about what they want to do now. and even more specifically, because you want to justify divorcing her to yourself.

It seems unreasonable to imagine that your wife was just "faking it", for 6+ years.

It is what she wants to be right now. Whether she will want to be the same way in 2 years, is anyone's guess.


Quote:

When does this end? Do I need to file for D to truly move on? Is that what God is telling me? "Leave this person to complete the trial, and then I will show you what true love is in a woman?"

you can "stand back" and let her do what she is going to do, without you being the one who divorces her.
If you get into the mental mode where you've convince yourself that "God wants you to divorce your wife", just go reread Malachi 2:16 and Matthew 19:8

Last edited by Dom R; 03/15/08 02:09 PM.

My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D.
Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M.
3 wonderful sons caught in the middle


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I have no clue, Dom...I guess time will tell..she seems, as well as OM, to have dove head first into this, because as she puts it..."I dont want to be scared to get hurt, but I dont want to be scared to miss a great opportunity." Ironically, I can relate to that statement with any future R I have.

I think some of my problem, too, is not finding someone that will treat me like I want to be treated. I see so much confusion and hesistation from people, its hard to find women who look at you, and automatically assume they are not interested at first glance...they never take a chance to see what the person is about in personality or whatever..

I have been told Im attractive, and personable, but I am also shy and introverted until they get to know me. Night and day. Never could crack the shell of the man who can muscle in on a woman to say hi.

But, I feel basically good about the idea of moving on, finding someone else someday, etc. I also feel I have put to rest any chance of reconcilation with W to bed right now. Besides, with her and OM "madly in love", there is not much of a challenge from anyone else at this time.

But I still ponder, after two years..why has something not happened yet? If OM and W are meant to be, wouldnt this be my ultimatium to say "its time to leave this scene and live your own life"...I just want to know why God is doing this...where is the light and how long must I wait?

Maybe I am over her, but just lonely. Maybe Im over her, but miss the security, familiarity, and having two parents at all times together for the kids. Maybe I even hold on to the hope that she will see her actions were wrong and come back, and I get scared of having another R when she comes...but those are not reasons to act this way...thery are definitely not 180s, good PMA or GAling.

So, the mood is good right now, I feel something big will happen, just don't know when or how much longer I must endure these feelings I have for W or whatever it is..I hate feeling like this.

How can you feel good 90% of the time...but its that 10% that makes you feel like you havent taken more than two steps toward moving on with your life. Strange how it works.

God Bles

Chevelle

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Quote:
If OM and W are meant to be,



there is no such thing as "meant to be".
People make their own choices. They choose who they are going to be with, and then they choose whether or not to make the relationship work.

Some relationships take more work than others.
Some relationships are more rewarding than others.

BTW: Those two factors are not neccessarily interlinked, in my opinion.


My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D.
Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M.
3 wonderful sons caught in the middle


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update...

Well, W came back from her romantic weekend getaway with OM..she says we need to talk tomorrow about a few things....

Yep, you guessed it...the big D..she now feels since we have been S for almost 2 years, as she puts it.."We are never getting back together, and everyone hates what I am doing when I am supposed to be still married, at least this way, we can move on with lives."

So, I did nothing but agree with her. What could I say or do? I know saying anything against will not magically change her mind...At least I am not the initator of D..she is..

So what do I say..Im sorry it had to come to this?
I dont have to like it, but I will agree to it.
Something tells me this doesnt feel right at this time?

I have no clue whether to be happy or sad...relieved or stressed again..I feel numb..I know part of me knew this was coming, but part of me feels like this will haunt her forever more.

I do know I have been talking to God about if I should be the one to file...so is it He that wants me to do this to move on?

I guess time will tell..

God Bless

Chevelle

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