on hold

[addie]

Oh, Stella, I'm so sorry that you have to be going through this!!! It is so difficult to have our suspicions actually confirmed. It seems any progress made to detach, goes right out the window. Once again, the pain becomes so raw.

I don't know what to advise. Go back and read Jokerman's sitch, read the dog analogy, read threads of other WAS that eventually returned to their M. Your H is still in his fog. It may only start to turn around for your M when OR starts to fizzle out.
Hang in there and keep posting.

[stella_k]

Thanks Addie.

I'm busy bracing myself for keeping away from the phone...

I know if I call H now I will regret it terribly tomorrow.

I just spoke with the friend. I could never imagine it's going to be so hard. As if the sitch didn't really exist until now! My friend made it sound as if it was final, my H is taken and I should move on. He is going to meet with H tomorrow and "give it to him".
I begged him not to, but he is so very stubborn!

I don't know if it's going to do any good.

Why would H start telling people now?

[JenInVen]

((Stella)))

I'm so sorry to hear your news. Please remember though that there are quite a few people on these BBs who thought they had lost their spouses forever only for them to return home later (even years later).

If you feel you can continue then keep Dbing. You know he will see how much you've changed once you are around him more.

Jen

[stella_k]

Oh, Jen, I wish I knew how to feel about all this!

I guess I will get up tomorrow and keep DBing. I cannot give up now, in my heart I believe H will be back. It is myself I doubt. What if I didn't change as much as I thought I did? I'm full of anger and self pity and I hate it! Makes me feel so small and weak.

(((((thank you for your support))))))

[JenInVen]

You have to be positive Stella, about you.

[stella_k]

It's getting late here... I'll start trying to be positive tomorrow

[JenInVen]

Have a very positive sleep!!! tehe

[addie]

Stella,
Give yourself some time -you just found out H is living with OW and you will experience many emotions. Try to not let H see/hear the negatives you are feeling. Heck, I still feel anger which I sometimes direct at H but it is completely counter productive. I am getting better at dealing with it.

I just came across an interesting article online that suggests infidelity is due to a chemical imbalance in the brain and that the affair is a way to correct the imbalance but becomes an addiction. There is a biochemical craving for connection. I know my H told me when things started to spiral out of control that he was seeking connection with someone and he didn't feel we had that connection (part of his rewriting our history).
There may be something to this theory. The author claims that 98% of M can become happier once the issues are dealt with. Very interesting!!!

[addie]

Oh Stella, another thing I was reading today about A. When the Sp will not end the A, this one therapist actually suggests that the WAS move in with OP and this makes them quickly realize it's not really what they want afterall. The fantasy world ends real quick.
Your H will soon realize this as well.

[stella_k]

(((((Addie))))), thank you, it really helps.

I didn't get much sleep and feel lousy today. Have this really weird feeling that I walk around with a hole in my stomach (fear is back?).

It turned out that H has told the friend about A a MONTH ago. I couldn't resist and called another close friend. She haven't heard anything and complained about H not being seen for a MONTH and not calling anybody. It does look like a Withdrawal, overlapping Depression, doesn't it? I didn't tell her and I'm not going to. If H wants to, he can tell everybody.

I asked to see our department chair today. If he will let me open summer course, I will stay 2 more months on campus, June and July. I still don't know what to do with Deadline I've given to H. Ignore it? Tell him the deadline was set for myself, not for him? MLCers should not be rushed into making decisions...

I asked myself today, why am I standing. I don't want to meet another men or get married again or grow old with someone else. It's winning him back versus being alone. Being alone doesn't scare me at all. Losing H does.