Thanks everyone for your support and your kind words. I'd love to respond to you each individually, but I'm pressed for time today and I'm doing my best not to dwell on things too much today.
The reality is that I have some very tough choices to make and that while I am willing to compromise on some things, there is only so far I will go before I need to stand my ground.
I will be speaking with my L on Monday and I will be taking the next 4 days to really think about things. I know for sure that I will be needing to sit down one on one with OW between now and May 1. Without H. Not to be nasty or anything like that, but if she is going to be in the lives of my children (as well as her children) then I need to know who she is what she is all about....and she needs to know the same about me.
Also, I'm giving a lot of thought to just how much I'm willing to give H in terms of time with S. I think by May I may be ready to give him 2 overnights a month with S. On the every other weekend that he has D I may be willing to let him have S overnight on the Sat. I can hear you all saying no no! You don't have to! I know I don't have to...but I am truly trying to find the best balance between time with his father and losing time with me. H needs to get used to him the night time and S needs to recognize H as someone he can wake up to. Better now than the shock of it later. My approach to H will be that I need to do this gradually. That I am not ready to give up 40% of my time with him and he needs to respect that. I will do my best to be accomodating in the meantime...but for possibly the first time I need to look at what is best for me as well as my children. My own well being is important too and I will not be bullied.
I have all kinds of cards I can pull like the breastfeeding one and all that stuff, but I am not interested in turning this into how much of a case can I build against him...because that will only result in him doing the same and that is not a place I want to go. The fact remains that he is a wonderful father and he wants and needs time with his children. I can respect that and I truly want that for him and for my kids. Hard as it may be on me, I want him to be happy. But not at my expense and so far it has all been at my expense. So he's going to have to accept the baby steps to get there and respect that it is what I need to properly accept things and move on myself.
See...taking the time to think these things thru and put them down really does help me to work through it. I need to accept the reality and make the most of it. Otherwise I'm not enjoying and treasuring the time I DO have with my kids. And that is most important. I want to be happy again...I really want to be happy again. Thanks again everyone. I hope to check in on all of you soon. J~
M 35 H 29 M 4 yrs T 9 yrs D 3 S born 10/19/07 Bomb 09/10/07 Separated next day OW - broke up and H moved out 09/07/08 Status - still figuring this out
Not that i give the best advice, but i just have a few suggestions for you. First great move by talking to your lawyer on monday. Over the weekend, take time to write down your questions (I know this is a no brainer for someone like you). Discuss them with your lawyer.
I see in your heart, I know you don't want to rock the boat, and bring more drama and anger into you whole situation. Listen to your heart, then double check with your head. I personally would not want to meet ow, but i understand you want to know her because of your children. Any protective mother would do the same think. And good for you. Speak with you lawyer about this also. I also would not meet her alone. Bring some one else along, a neutral party for i feel she may say to H that you said awful things about her or accused her of xyz. You can meet at a local coffee shop and just have your friend near by. OW does not even have to know about them. Anyway you will need some one afterwards anyway. Or maybe even meet at your lawyers office. If i had children i would do the same thing you want to do.
Jenny its respect on both sides, he also needs to respect your wishes, like you are trying to respect his. See for me, i don't right now have much respect for H since he does not have any for me. Like this am, i found a recipt near his wallet for $125 dinner at a restaurant in phiadelphia from last weekend. Now I asked and he told me ow was not going, My h is a disrespectful, uncaring cold liar. He lied right to my face when i asked him.
Write it out, on paper on cookies (lol) to us, If you get a chance pop over to my thread, my mom sent me such a beautiful card i put on my stitch, read the words, they got down into my soul, i know you will feel the same.
Hugs and love Bear
Me 42-Him 40 T20yrs Married 16yrs 2/06 H- "not sure if i want to be married anymore" 6/07 H-"I'm not happy" 9/07 Admits affair & OW 12/08 I moved out 12/09 still waiting for divorce
Jenny, I'm sorry you are having to go thru more pain. Wise choice in making arrangements to see the lawyer. I agree w/ your reasoning that S does need to spend overnights w/ your H. I think though that your H asking for 40/60 is too much given S's age. Shame on H if he threatens to go for 50/50 if you don't agree to 40/60.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Just wanted you let you know, i am thinking about you, and sending you hugs
((((((JENNY))))))
bear
Me 42-Him 40 T20yrs Married 16yrs 2/06 H- "not sure if i want to be married anymore" 6/07 H-"I'm not happy" 9/07 Admits affair & OW 12/08 I moved out 12/09 still waiting for divorce
I have all kinds of cards I can pull like the breastfeeding one and all that stuff, but I am not interested in turning this into how much of a case can I build against him...because that will only result in him doing the same and that is not a place I want to go.
Girl...I am so proud of you. The best advice I had during my divorce, bar none....is children need all the people who love them (he was talking about their dad and other family. (This was given to me by the guy I dated shortly after my divorce, who became like a brother to me, his daughters became my daughters....or nieces....but their mom is not able to be a 'mom'....he has since passed away...)
You are doing the right thing. Honor the good relationships, minimize the drama. It will work out.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
I have all kinds of cards I can pull like the breastfeeding one and all that stuff, but I am not interested in turning this into how much of a case can I build against him...because that will only result in him doing the same and that is not a place I want to go.
Girl...I am so proud of you. The best advice I had during my divorce, bar none....is children need all the people who love them (he was talking about their dad and other family. (This was given to me by the guy I dated shortly after my divorce, who became like a brother to me, his daughters became my daughters....or nieces....but their mom is not able to be a 'mom'....he has since passed away...)
You are doing the right thing. Honor the good relationships, minimize the drama. It will work out.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Thanks again everyone. And Bear I read the beautiful card from your Mom...how beautiful!!
Today was a good day. D was home with me. We went grocery shopping and to a friends for dinner. Doesn't sound like much I know, but with a 3 year old and a 5 month old...I'm exhausted!
H called me and asked me if I wanted his Grandma to do my taxes. She just did his and with the separation it makes sense.
I've had a lot down times over the last two days. The hurt that comes with him moving in with her and moving my kids in with them is enough to make me throw up. But I need to start to dwell on something positive otherwise I'm only going to make it worse for my kids, especially my daughter. This is going to be tough on her and she needs a strong Mommy to get her through. She needs me. Thank God for her!!
I'm really in acceptance mode right now. For the first time I've really accepted that my marriage is over. I don't know where we'll all be a year from now....but as far I'm concerned right now, I'm moving on. I'm looking at my options for selling the house. I'm actually getting excited about dating (after breastfeeding!). If I can just get through this custody thing...I think I'm going to make it!!! I feel like Mary Tyler Moore and I have to throw my hat up in the air! OK...now I'm getting carried away... J~
M 35 H 29 M 4 yrs T 9 yrs D 3 S born 10/19/07 Bomb 09/10/07 Separated next day OW - broke up and H moved out 09/07/08 Status - still figuring this out
Hi Jenny, Hope that you are getting things in order and you have some peace of mind. Good luck at the lawyer tomorrow. Let us know how it goes. I'm thinking of you.
M 5yrs 1st baby-girl born 6/18/08 Bomb: 10/13/07 OW - I was 6wks Prego H Moved in w/OW: 11/2/07 D Final 07/10 OW had his baby 3/17/09-so her Me, now - happier than I ever was with him
You sound really good. It's hard! It is so damn hard. Most days I am where you are. The past few days have not been great. Just when I think I am in a really good place H does something that effects me. The hardest part for me is I have so many questions. I want to know how in the world could someone who professed to be my best friend and love me do this? When did it start? Why didn't you tell me in the begining? Who would want to be with someone who would leave their wife and kids? I could go on and on with the questions. Then I get caught up in how do you get to leave the wreckage and carnage behind and go on and live your life while I have to pick up the peices? How about the explanations I have to make up for S? Why can't I tell him the truth? Why do I have to protect you when did not give a good GODDA-N about us? Then I start thinking about all the rotten stuff he did over the years. I think about the A and the lies and the computer sex and how he cheated on me when we were dating (though I only found out after we were married). Then I think that H probably was never the guy I wanted or needed him to be. As my mom says we only see what we want to see and I am guilty of it. I feel sad, but then I realize that deep down people are who they are and they never really change. I know that my H loves me, but I do think that the love he feels for me is probably about as much love as he could feel for another human being. He is selfish to the core and that is just who he is. People don't change and I believe the way he was with me is the way he will be with the next one. I deserve so much better and I have to keep reminding myself of that when I start to feel down.
Okay sorry to hijack your thread. I just needed to get that out. You will be OK. You are approaching the future with the right attitude and as long as you keep it up you will make it. I am also excited about the possibility of dating. I think I would have felt even better 8 years ago, pre baby and about 50lbs lighter, but hey I am going to get out there and try to do it. I am going to join e-harmony. I had a few friends try with marginal success, so I am going to shell out the dough to do it. I will keep you posted.
Personally, I always felt like this board should have a section for those who have moved on and want to start dating. I figure hey, once we have accepted our marriages our over at least this is a good starting place. We all share similar values and beliefs and we understand eachothers situations.
