Since that post several days ago, I have been feeling hopeless, but not the usual up and down rollercoaster thing. I feel a sinking sense...I just cannot imagine her re-engaging in the relationship. She says that sometimes I read things wrong, but I don't know how to read anything anymore. Baby steps were something I used to believe in seeing from her, but not anymore. I don't think any of her communication means anything more than guilt. I don't know anymore what things I'm distorting in my own thinking and if I'm being too negative. I feel like my reference points are gone in this. I just haven't had a thing from her to indicate a desire to reconcile...just that she feels bad about the idea of leaving because it will hurt me (not her, just me).
None of this fits with my experience just a few months ago of a loving and closely connected relationship. None of this idea of just leaving and not wanting to even try reconciling fits at all with my experience of my W. I can't identify with how this seems so clearly to be "unsalveagable" as a relationship. My god--there are so many excellent qualities--even the MC said after the first session that she was struck by how much strength, positive resources, and caring there was between us.
The worst part is feeling that she still cares about me, but has no desire to be with me. I think she's enjoying being on her own. I'm really feeling like I need to begin looking at steps to prep for selling our place and beginning to look for a new place to live. It is not because I am wanting to give up--I absolutely want this to work--but I just feel like the absence of signs of moving forward is a clear message that she doesn't want to be with me. How can I make it work by myself?? I've been trying to DB and it is a helpful guide for me, but I don't feel my W. is any more interested in reconciling. If she is, she hasn't told me or even hinted at it.
Does anyone have feedback for me? I feel really lost and so hopeless. I don't know how to read any of this anymore. I am so sorry that I don't have something better to post in this new thread. I really feel like a failure right now.
