CAGZ new YEAR - (meredith your 5 years motivated)

[cagzmom]

Ok I still don't understand how the threads get locked but they do.

Weekends are hard - even the good ones. =)

More motivation and thought provoking conversation later. Gotta head out the door to take d11 to softball. AND OF COURSE s19 college boy is still sleeping!!

[cagzmom]

to follow
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1385980

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1375287

I need to find the first one.....

[CMNM]

Heya Cagz!

Just checking in on you this weekend. It's funny~ I was thinking that you needed a new thread with your name in the title, and here it is! I hope Meredith does make it back soon though. I really love to read what she writes.

Nothing major going on my way. I actually have a Saturday to myself- no major homework to do for once.
So, lets get the conversation goin'!

Take care!
Pam

[TRUSTING]

Just saying Hi Cagz...

[cagzmom]

hi all.

rainy and a bit dreary here in nc. these days have a tendancy to bring on the mopies. physically hits me...wondering if i needs meds for a little while.

trying to pin point the thought and counter act it...just don't know what it is yet.

[cagzmom]

Ok posting an honesty post.

Doing bad things for me. What? Seeking answers that don't matter. Information on ow father - funny what you can find on the internet. Doesn't matter does it?

STUPID STUPID STUPID!! I am not doing good - I want answers- I want resolve and all of this means NOTHING!! AND it is like I have said above..enough already!! I know what to do --- why in the H don't I choose to do it?!!!!

[tpaschal]

Ok posting an honesty post.

Doing bad things for me. What? Seeking answers that don't matter. Information on ow father - funny what you can find on the internet. Doesn't matter does it?

STUPID STUPID STUPID!! I am not doing good - I want answers- I want resolve and all of this means NOTHING!! AND it is like I have said above..enough already!! I know what to do --- why in the H don't I choose to do it?!!!!

{{{Cagz}}}

Oh, honey, don't beat yourself up about it. We're human. We screw up.

We do things that are bad for us, even when we KNOW they are bad for us. But you know what? We can still learn from them.

I don't know what your motivation was for trying to find out about the OW's father, but I have to tell you---honesty alert---I've done the same thing. (I can't remember for sure---but aren't you a member of the control freak clan, along with me and Pam?)

I think it's normal to want to find out about her past, to try and understand what made her turn out the way she is, and what makes her think it's okay to have an affair with a married man and help break up his marriage.

For me, it was all about that. What was in her past that caused this? In my sitch, the OW's father DID walk out on her and her family when she was young. It doesn't make what she is doing right, but it does help me understand her motivations a little more.

I know a lot of people might say that her motivations don't matter, but for me, having that understanding is helping with forgiveness. It's harder to hate her when I realize that yeah, she may be conniving and manipulative, but underneath it all she's just a hurting, screwed up kid.

If anything you found helps lead you toward forgiveness for the OW, then maybe God led you to that knowledge. And if you didn't find anything that led you toward forgiveness, maybe God thought you needed a refresher course of the lesson, "Snooping is bad for Cagz."

Maybe you could pray about it, ask God what lesson you can take from this, and then move on from it.

Don't get down on yourself. You are an amazing, awesome woman.

[cagzmom]

Thanks TP - problem is you know - I KNOW BETTER! Snooping - yeah it is a like a compulsion right now. The things I am even finding out - no the don't give me any insight...just curiosity. Serioslly it does nothing more than feed my "adiction." I truly feel like an addict...like I did when I quit smoking. I AM NOT making good choices..

MY CHOICES! The pressure is unreal. I have been having "mental" setbacks lately and I don't know why. NO I HAVE NOT ACTED on any of them..but I want to!! Mental setbacks like:

*Go see H and "talk".
*Call H and see if he misses me.
*Call H and ask him if this is what he really wants.

NO I AM NOT doing this and I know that people (Friends & Family) are really over this.

Sorry --- as I said I am not doing very well.

[cagzmom]

For me, it was all about that. What was in her past that caused this? In my sitch, the OW's father DID walk out on her and her family when she was young. It doesn't make what she is doing right, but it does help me understand her motivations a little more.

I know much about her past because of speaking with her last summer. Her parents divorced when she was 4. Her mom has been married like 4 or 5 times since....I know who she is. Last summer I did FORGIVE her because I knew she did know the depth of what was going on.....Since September though I have harbored some anger - etc.

Funny though....we blame the OW...when it is H who pursued. How messed up is that.

[cagzmom]

I had an "epithany" (sp??) today. Actually it has been building...but a couple of things.

I quit smoking 12 years ago this summer. I remember it like it was yesterday. AND to this point I have said that quitting smoking was the hardest thing I have ever done. The urges- teh pulls they were terrible. I bought every buns of steel tape that I could to divert my attention - I rollerbladed...changed BEHAVIORS that CIRCLED AROUND SMOKING.

Well - it is time that I quit Hing. I have been told that he was a drug to me. "Just one hit..Just one conversation ..just one just one." BUT the REASON I DIDNT pick up a cigeratte was becasue of the ANXIETY that it caused me quitting. NOT PHYSICAL pain but emotional. I HAD TO CHOOSE TO CHANGE. Just not buying cigerattes wasn't enough....because as any smoker knows we are always willing to share. I HAD TO CHOOSE TO KNOCK IT OFF!! MY CHOICE KNOWONE could do it for me.

I have heard it - said it - and had it drilled into my head. BUT I REALLY see my addiction. So as they would do in AA i will do right here.

"I am an addict...my addiction is my hold that I have on my H."

Enough already. REALLY enough. He is NOT CHANGING and it is not my job to change him. I AM MOVING FORWARD and I do care/love him deeply. BUT this is MY LIFE. I WONT "get anohter fix" WHY? Because the withdrawls are HELL!!

The last "real" conversation I had with him was over a month ago----and the affect ARE NOT WORTH IT!! For now I can not have a fix.

ENOUGH!