Here is my last post from the prev thread that is now locked: Thanks Andabelle! It is a process of finding myself within this mess. W. emailed about being surprised that I see things so negatively from her sometimes. But it wasn't coming from a place of "hey, things are much better with us than you believe", it was more like "why do you see me as so mean?". Of course, I don't see her as mean or having malicious intent in any of this, which I explained to her. I said that it is hard to sustain a sense of hope and positivity in the midst of prolonged ambiguity. Then when I get hopeless, I do start to focus on particular elements and start "filling in the blanks" with things based upon fear. Why? Because it's like an attempt to constantly brace myself for an imminent ending.
Ironically, she's said in the past that she remains very ambiguous because she "doesn't want me to get me hopes up, and then get hurt if it doesn't work out". I understand and even appreciate where she is coming from on it. I think she feels that to venture forth anything hopeful or positive, she is trapped somehow in it. That creates a terrible catch 22...she can't venture hopefulness because it "entraps" her and I remain disconnected and hopeless.
On the other hand, I'm left constantly not knowing where things are at...feels like it's just hanging by a thread. It may be...I suppose it may be somewhat in a better place than that, but since she never tells me, it's hard to know. The move in MC has been for us to begin checking out assumptions w/each other...that's where this recent emailing has come from. I put forth an idea of wanting to get a little clarity re: boundaries...esp. how often is comfortable for us to see each other. I ventured forth it might be nice to connect a couple of times a week. She wrote back that this doesn't freak her out or make her want to run, but at the same time she's not sure she wants to do that. Of course, she didn't say what kind of contact she would be comfortable with, but I'm leaving it alone. I think this is stuff better facilitated in MC!!
Anyway, I'm still left with a real sense that this is more or less over with. I feel terrible, like I'm waiting for the shoe to drop. But what can I do? I need a partner to make a relationship work. I just can't believe she is so unwilling to try. My whole experience of her as a person has been shattered. And my heart? Well, that feels so trampled and broken.
