you are not a loser, she is the loser, its just in todays world things are not what they seem.....destroying your family when there is no good reason ..that is the loser....and he is a loser, taking another mans wife...that turns my stomach...try your best to detach....dont date, but move on, its hard based on your timing.this will be a long journey. Do you go to church? Maybe there is a mens group you could get involved in..think about how you can get a life..this affair thing can take a very long time to burn out and yes sometimes the damage is too much. Its just you need time to heal and in the mean time while your healing maybe she will get a reality check , maybe not...either way in the end you will be the winner, becuase you will have grown during this trial...and she took the wrong road..that will affect many lives.....
yes, I started going back to church. And I have gotten my kids to start going too. That is the one good thing that has come out of this. But, even though i have gone back to church my faith is very weak and gets weaker every time this situation gets worse (which seems like daily). I have good days and bad days but it seems more bad than good. It's so hard to detatch when you have kids but I am trying....
H 42 W 37 M17 T20 years 3 daughters 11,11,14 seperated 11/26/07 EA neighbor/ moved in w/ him 2/8 Filed for D 01/08 finalized soon
Patrick, I understand the challenge with faith. Something that has helped me (and I am still challenged) is that I go to a weekly men's bible study. The men are all firm in their belief that family is the greatest ministry that we are called to attend to. Then to help others.
Mine is every Wed which is great because I feel I need it in the middle of the week to help me stay firm in my resolve between Sundays when I go to church.
It also helps to learn more about what it means since church is critically important but this gives you a chance to learn more about your faith.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
I have been catching up on your thread, Patrick, and want to add something to some incredibly great posts from people that care about you and how this turns out.
First, a man is someone who puts his family first above his own needs or desires. Your Ds, who are undoubtedly important to you, need you to think of them with every action and every word that comes out of your mouth. You are worried about what they are learning by being "forced" to live at the OM's house? Then what is the right thing to do? It is to be completely moral as you can possibly be even when they aren't watching you. You cannot be a double-minded person because it is impossible to do without people realizing it.
Second, we are told to focus on ourselves during this process. That doesn't mean we are supposed to satisfy our desires, carnal or otherwise. What it means is that we are supposed to focus on improving ourselves. Making ourselves better people. Being of worth to others in a positive way. It doesn't mean we are to focus on ourselves to explore other intimate relationships or to hang out with our friends at bars and get drunk (I do enjoy a drink every now and then, btw) or any other counterproductive activity.
Third, don't even say that you are through with your W because you are so spitting mad at her and the betrayal, you have shown that you are hurt and miss her with an extreme intensity. Face it, you love her and this hurts worse than anything you have ever experienced in your life.
Now, let me ask you, Patrick, if someone you cared about but the pain of a previous R with them made you want to walk away from them, would actions and words similar to yours, draw you back? How should they act to get your attention in a positive way? Would getting friends, family or your shared children work on you or would it upset you further?
For me, if someone wanted to attract me back to them, I would be more interested in seeing them be happier in life, being more positive, treating me nice and with respect every time we interact, hearing nothing negative being reflected back from friends, family, and children.
My point is that while you can do nothing, NOTHING, about what is happening externally, you can work on yourself internally, to be better for you, your children and any relationships you have. We have described our spouses being self-destructive. Do not join your wife with such harmful behavior.
I hope you dont think I am being harsh on you. I have read your thread from the beginning and am very concerned for you. You have my prayers.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
I think what's happening is I am not sure if it is MLC or just that my wife was bored with me..or fell in love with this guy...I just don't know anymore. She talks to me like I am a stranger. One of my D's is acting like she would rather spend time over there now. They(the kids) are all adjusting to living with the OM. I am not sure if I should hang out with my in laws anymore because my W is telling the kids that I am stealing her family. I was so sure she was in MLC before but now I am not...she seems like she has it together and is happy.....
H 42 W 37 M17 T20 years 3 daughters 11,11,14 seperated 11/26/07 EA neighbor/ moved in w/ him 2/8 Filed for D 01/08 finalized soon
Patrick, I apologize if I am "riding" you too much but to be honest, your sitch would probably improve if you would listen to the posters who are trying to help.
Your latest post seems to say, what I am doing is not working and my situation is getting worse. Quit reacting to everything that is going on. You may be driving your family to the OM, justifying their behavior.
And what does it matter if your W is in MLC or not? In fact, I wish my W was not in MLC, if I had my choice. MLC is a terrible beast that no one can predict. Not that we can for a WAS either but there are so many additional variables and possibly a very long time before they can work through their issues.
Just be loving to your W and your Ds no matter what has happened. Let them see a man who is a man and cares about his family. Don't make them loving you a requirement for you loving them. Even if you are mad at your wife and don't want her back, think about the fact she was a great wife and a loving one for all those years, who is the mother of your three awesome children.
Do not live by negative emotions. If you are going to live by an emotion, live by love.
That is what a man is. Not someone who can show they are physically stronger. Patrick, to be honest, if I did that, I would win, in most cases but lose what matters most. And there is always someone who is physically stronger anyway.
So if you think a real man is one who loves his family with all of his heart, live to that standard. Protect them emotionally. Physical protection is when they ask for it or when they need it and will respect you for it.
Push your ego aside. Your family NEVER needs your ego.
As Jack said, he would have considered you using your physical protection of your W if someone had kidnapped her and held her against her wishes. This is not one of those times.
Patrick, I am not trying to be hard on you. This is what I say to myself every day since this has happened to me. I realized that this is not about me but about my family. Protect them, not yourself.
You can do it!
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
I understand what you are saying, but my reactions are mainly the feelings I post. I try not to share these feelings with my W or the kids. I am always loving to my kids but it is hard for me to accept the fact that they like this guy. I never badmouth him...I usually just don't want to talk about him. I have a lot of anger which I vent here, which I thank God for this place. It has really helped because I have so few people I can really talk to. Most people don't really understand because they haven't been in our sitch. I do have trouble showing love for my W though. I try to be nice but every time we talk she talks about selling the house, or paying her money, or something she doesn't like about me. She is back on the "I am stealing her family" biz again. I have to ask for opinions on this one. I have been friends with my brother in laws longer than I have my wife. Two of us worked together at 16 and my other BIL worked with me for the past two years. I have been getting invited to family functions still(bdays, holidays) and I have gone. My W skipped New years and Christmas Eve. She came to Thanksgiving and we both attended two recent Bdays. She is angry that I am not turning down the invites. I am actually closer with her family than my own. Is she right? I mean, her entire family is upset about the whole thing. They don't like the OM and have taken side with me in a way. I don't really talk with them about our sitch but they have been very understanding and loving towards me. It's not like my W and I don't get along at the get togethers...but she complained to me about it today. So please let me know what you think....
H 42 W 37 M17 T20 years 3 daughters 11,11,14 seperated 11/26/07 EA neighbor/ moved in w/ him 2/8 Filed for D 01/08 finalized soon
What I should do is not necessarily what you should do Patrick.
I believe being consistently giving where it is real and not for any reason than doing what is right will win out over time. My biggest strength is knowing who to turn to.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
you have a long history with her family. only reason she has a problem with it is because she knows she is heading down a path her family doesn't approve of.
she probably thinks when you're with her family, all you do is talk bad about her. and you know you can't control her thoughts and actions.
