You're right..only time will tell. It does seem like she's coming to some sort of resolution with OM. She probably wouldn't have told you about running into him if that wasn't true..that's just my theory. In any event, there's nothing you can do now but wait and see what's going to happen and not push matters.
So you bought her a jeep huh? That's a big move. I'm sure she'll appreciate it..who wouldn't. Just make sure she doesn't think it's being used as a tool to hold her close. Hopefully she can see that you're doing it for the right reasons.
A dream it's true
But I'd see it through
If I could be
Wasting my time with you
-Band:Phish Song:Waste
Hey KAW. I was wondering where you disappeared to...
Quote: Jethro, you have always amazed me with your preceptions!
Awww...shucks. You humble me, my friend.
Quote: In trying to understand why (and there seems to be many plausable theories), I starting to entertain the possibliity that W's journal may be a means for her to deal with her feelings for OM and release them, let them go, so she can move on to be happy in our M ... either that or setting myself up big time?!
Are you suggesting that she never called him and such...that it's just a fantasy she's playing out in her mind/journal?
Your reaction to your W running into OM isn't all that odd, KAW. I did the same thing last Thursday when my W ran into OM. I asked EXACTLY what you did...well, I also asked if he touched her (like in a hug). I know, a bit compulsive.
In terms of why your W felt "emotional" about running into OM, hmmm... You know, why don't you ask her? I mean, she DID tell you. Perhaps just tell her you were thinking about it and wondered why. I say this because her response could be two vastly different things--guilt about what she's done to you or old feelings resurfacing. It just might provide you two an opportunity to grow...by talking about her feelings...especially if your theory is correct. I know you don't want to give her a reason to bring up any topics that can lead to D-talk, but it's just as possible that it might bring you guys closer together. Just a thought... I have found that oftentimes the most painful discussions are the ones that bring us closest together...that they really do offer an opportunity to gain deeper understand of one another...
Quote: her side of the family didn't show
W made the comment that it wasn't meant to be for her to have what she wants
Couldn't help but notice something here. Is your W still carrying around a load of junk from her childhood (hence her depression)? Is her family undependable? I know KAW's dependable, but maybe she doesn't know what to do with a dependable KAW. Sorry...just jumped out at me...
You could have a point about the journal being an avenue in which to sort out feelings---that is what a lot of do on this BB. We vent, hypothosize and let anger out and explore feelings, in a very safe context. Could be putting them on paper helps her. Hoping you are right on this one.
I've just read a bunch of things, I've been on the road for the past 2 weeks.
I notice that you, like me, are obsessed with OM. Her contact, her thoughts, his actions.
Leave it alone. Stop snooping (you know this). This is her nightmare, her obsession, her pondering. Leave it alone. You cannot effect her thoughts, feelings, emotions about OM, you can only give her reason to not seek him out. As you obsess, you create an aura of negativity that makes you unattractive. Snooping stokes this aura.
Good for you for supporting her in her vehicle choices and pursuit. This is kind of neutral ground... "real life" issue, and something that helps all move forward. Be her champion, her rock. Show her that you can and will come through for her. This make a comfort zone that makes the unknown of leaving even scarier to her.
If your W is like mine, then I believe that she told you about her encounter with OM because she felt it was "Safe" to do so. She's in turmoil, and if you allow her to share that turmoil with you, you make it "safe" for her to share her darkest challenges with you, then you are in a good place. Consider that maybe the reason she told you about her encounter with OM was because she was testing you to see if you could be trusted with an emotionally challenging situation she had encountered, and she shared this with just about the only person she could. Consider that to have had an affair in total secret is a tremendous burden, and it is often commited in such exclusive secrecy that there is noone with whom to share the pain of reaquaintance.... So, she shared it with her closest friend. You. She is showing trust, that she can trust you with her deepest pain and turmoil. Your job is to not take this encounter personally, and support your W in her coming clean with you, in her reaching out to her closest "friend", "confidant", whatever. It's you. Be there for her, and notice that it was you she shared this with, and it's you that she is still with. That's the point.
I went to Barnes and Noble on the 21st to get the HP book, and then walked over to Walmart and got it quicker. Hope you've gotten it by now. D9 has already finished it by herself! Guess it's my turn now!
Sorry that I haven't been around much lately. Been a lot goin' on lately and yesterday I took the day off from work at the request from my W. It was a really good day. As I mentioned in my last post, I seeing a shift in my W again and yesterday, I witness more of it.
Let me back up to Tuesday, the day after I last posted. I called W about noon to say hi and see if she heard anything from dealership. Left a message on the machine. She didn't call back. When I got home, she was very blue. I asked if she got my message, she said no she never received it. She continue to mope, so I thought here we go again ... another dip already on the rollercoaster. You're absolutely right Z, I started thinking its all about OM again. Didn't want to deal with this so, I went outside and puttered around the yard for most of the evening. W went to bed early, so I didn't interact to much with her that evening. At three AM, my W woke me, for she was in the midst of a good size panic attack. After a while she settle down and went back to sleep. Waking to the morning alarm, I could see she was anxious again, so I asked if she wished for me not to go to work today. She replied yes and quickly calmed down again. After some morning activity , we were in the shower and I was helping her shave her armpits when she made the comment, "It must be real love." I just gave her a smile. Then she told me she would make the call to see an endocrinologist. Lotsa physical affection thru out the day as we shopped, knocked off a couple of small projects in the house, etc...
... and to wake up this morning with her snuggling in behind me with her arms around me. ... I'm sorry if this sounds like drivel after a mere two month's absence of my W's affections, but I feel its the difference between living in heaven or hell in this R! (Altho there is probably no need to mention that to you folks, as I'm sure you all feel the same way.)
Anyway, we pick up the Jeep on Saturday. I had mentioned the three of us going on a picnic tomorrow, since we weren't invited to any family function for the holidays. W wants to see some fireworks this year. So the holiday weekend looks promising.
Shoot this post is taking longer than it should to type. I wanted to reply back to you all ... rjd, jethro, Jackie and Zebra. I will try to soon.
KAW..have a great weekend...Z is so right when he sayds your w feels so comfy with you that she tells you these things..you can calm here when she has an attack..and you shower together!!!!!Gosh I would jsut like a hug from my h..so there are tiny little things there..you just have to see past the bad...
Do you ever wonder wht we did before all this??? I know I took alot for granted...am able to see things so much clearer and with so much appreciation.
Quoting rjd: So you bought her a jeep huh? That's a big move. I'm sure she'll appreciate it..who wouldn't. Just make sure she doesn't think it's being used as a tool to hold her close. Hopefully she can see that you're doing it for the right reasons.
Actually, I hoping its a 180 to break a preception of me being controlling. In this case, that I would only allow her to drive a car I would approve of. Last car was a full size station wagon as there were five of us in the household at the time and I thought we were in agreement in not wanting a mini-van. The car before that was a four door sedan she picked out, but over the years that too became distorted as me wanting the sedan. I'm hoping her memory retains who picked a yellow Jeep Wrangler.
Quoting jethro: Are you suggesting that she never called him and such...that it's just a fantasy she's playing out in her mind/journal?
That's not what I was implying, but a strange thing just happen tonight that has me really confused on this topic. Since my W is in a bad mood again tonight, I decided to deliver a desk my D17 has been asking about. I had mention how W said she saw OM there. D17 replied how she didn't think he was because she overheard his son, (also graduating and sitting in the row in front of her), saying that his father was not there. She also mentioned to D17 back in March how she was hoping to see him at the graduation ceremony. D17 told me how this disturbed her and why she doesn't talk to her mother as much lately. So now, I don't know what to make of any of this? I'm wondering if she is trying to goad me into a discussion about OM in order to manipulate the outcome to move forward in a direction of her desire? or is it like Zebra said and she is just testing me to see how I would react? Is this real or make believe? This is becoming too surreal for me, that I'm going to need to stay away from it and just focus on doing my thing and hope for the best.
Quoting jethro: Is your W still carrying around a load of junk from her childhood (hence her depression)? Is her family undependable?
Without taking up a lot of space here, I will just say her R with her parents and siblings has been strained for years, culminating last year when she seeked finacial help from them to get her own place. She told them that we mutually decided it was for the best for us to seperate, so they agreed to help her. In a conversation with her folks a couple days later, when I spoke with them, I told them that I was not in favor of a seperation and hoped we could still work out our differences without it coming to that. After that, they changed their minds about giving her money. Ever since, W and her parents rarely talk. I know she feels betrayed by them and has no desire to work things out with them. She now refers to herself as seen as the bad seed in her family. One more area of her life she feels inadequate.
Quoting Zebra: ... you can only give her reason to not seek him out ... Be her champion, her rock. Show her that you can and will come through for her. This make a comfort zone that makes the unknown of leaving even scarier to her.
Z, I've been striving for this for over a year now and she has come to recognize I'm willing to move heaven and earth for her (her words from her journal) and yet she still yearns for him. I don't know what more I can do at this point?
Quoting Sue: Do you ever wonder wht we did before all this??? I know I took alot for granted...am able to see things so much clearer and with so much appreciation.
Same here, Sue ... same here ...
Well, for now, I'll be plugging ahead towards having a fun weekend (hopefulling my W will want to join in) ... Here's to all having a grand 4th!!
Quoting KAW: Z, I've been striving for this for over a year now and she has come to recognize I'm willing to move heaven and earth for her (her words from her journal) and yet she still yearns for him. I don't know what more I can do at this point?
Well, not much you can do, I suppose. You've done it all. Maybe it's time to back off. I don't mean "go dark", I mean back off, be there, but don't help. If help is asked for, if closeness is wanted, by all means jump right in. But if it's not, leave her alone. Back off. But don't ever let her think you've stopped caring, ir that you've become indifferent.
It's time for another 180 KAW. You are dependable, you are Mr. Fix it. Stop. This is working, but not as well as you would like, so try something else. But monitor carefully (but not by snooping) how your new approach works. If it works, do more of it, if not try something else.
Yes, her meds and her endocrine and her depression are factors you need to be mindful of, but don't let her or you make them excuses. Try something different.
You are her rock, her basis. Maybe too much so. Show her that you are willing to live your own life, even if she's not willing to come along. But if she shows the vaguest interest in what you're doing, open up and invite and welcome her. The fact that she has noticed ist positive, if she joins in is marvelous.
Just wanted to check in with you...hope your 4th was great..our picnic was good..despite 95 degrees..h and I went to park with some friends for fireworks..nice day in all..
I was rereading your posts..it must drive you nuts to wonder what your w is doing..is she making some of the stuff up or not..has she ever had a tendancy to do that? She could be testing you, yet she must see that you stick by her not matter what...maybe you do need to shake it up a bit...not be there each time she has a panic attack.
But no, after I wrote that, that is not right..that is what a couple is suppose to do for each other..be there no matter what..good and bad..so don't listen to what I say!!
Some people tell me I should pretend to have an interest in anothe man to make my h realize that I might not be around and wait for him to decide what he wants..but in my heart I could not do that..that is playing games..and for all the things we need to fix in our m, games and lieing are not something we have ever done..so why would I want to start now.
Keep being you...you know when to back off..when to step in, and that is great.
You humble me, my friend.
As I mentioned in my last post, I seeing a shift in my W again and yesterday, I witness more of it.
Didn't want to deal with this so, I went outside and puttered around the yard for most of the evening. W went to bed early, so I didn't interact to much with her that evening. At three AM, my W woke me, for she was in the midst of a good size panic attack. After a while she settle down and went back to sleep. Waking to the morning alarm, I could see she was anxious again, so I asked if she wished for me not to go to work today. She replied yes and quickly calmed down again. After some morning activity 
... I'm sorry if this sounds like drivel after a mere two month's absence of my W's affections, but I feel its the difference between living in heaven or hell in this R! (Altho there is probably no need to mention that to you folks, as I'm sure you all feel the same way.) 