(((KAW))) warm embrace I feel your pain, my friend.
Courage.
Whatever she does, you will be ok. You don't know this yet, but I know it. Your DB pals know it in our bones.
I have been EXACTLY where you are at. I froze when I read that you initially told her you accepted "don't ask, don't tell."
I did the EXACT same thing!
Then proceeded to DB like nobody's business all last year. Lingerie, look the other way, hey you-and-me-babe while you're here, no questions asked when you go away.
This was imperative foundation-laying.
That's what you've been doing. It's been a good thing.
But now, on that foundation, you may finally get to speak YOUR NEEDS. Maybe it is time.
Confront her.
(Or, well, when you're ready, think about it.)
I confronted my H with the evidence -- his emails. I took a beating for my breach of ethics -- spying. I took the blow when he said to my face "Yeah, I want another taste of world's foxiest chick, and she wants me too. We have a chance at romance."
Ouch.
So go. I'm not stopping ya.
Once again my H said "I quit" and moved out.
And the only reason he didn't slap me with D papers was ... hmmm? Well, he still hasn't. Wonder why not?
Maybe because all last year I showed him I'm amazing? I can change. I am not desperate, I have stopped clinging and trembling. I'm sexy and deep, silly and intellectual, musical AND goofy and magical. The one and only. Even at 40.
He sees this from his dingy brown building across town. So how does this adolescent chick, up-close and zitty, compare now?
Bridget is here to tell ya you can GET FREE of your attachment to your lovely but confused W. You can do it. Focus on your own magic and dreams.
Believe me, I've been through this trauma, my friend, and I know how gut-wrenching it is. I know the feeling of being knifed -- reading in his email how he longs for this luscious babe, how I am no longer attractive. No pain compares. (Of course, I've never had a leg amputated...)
You and I both know why we snooped -- to find an explanation for the hostile, hot-and-cold behavior. To make it real, to find out if there's hope, to look for some sign that they remember us.
Honestly, I'd do it again. It helps to know.
But you know what? You can't totally trust their words in their journals. My H panicked at what I read. He was desperate to explain that some of it was hyperbole. I do understand this. And so do you, or you wouldn't still be there.
Trust nothing of what they say (or write) and about 50% of what they do, remember?
Feelings are mutable.
Know that their longing/desire/fantasizing (and even the physical act with the OP) lives side by side with the wonderfulness of being bonded to the awesome KAW (the awesome Bridget). It's there. It'll always be there (buried though it be).
There is hope they will see us and love us again.
But now, in order for your W to value you, KAW, you may have to walk away. Give it some thought. It would be a MIGHTY 180, dude.
Sometimes ya gotta take big risks.
I love ya, I'm here for ya, and I need ya. Lots of us do. You won't be alone. We all think you can do it. Get free. Then watch and see what happens. You can't know what will happen. But you might just be amazed.
