I am so sorry to hear this news. Do you think maybe it is time for you let it all hang out. What I mean by this is let her know what you know and that it is not acceptable. As long as she has this fantasy that this OM is whatever he is to her there will be no chance for a marriage. Maybe it is time for a 180 of not being so understanding and helpful. Just my 2 cents.
I now believe I made a terrible mistake! I told her I didn't want to lose her and that I was willing to share her if that is what it would take to keep her, however, I didn't want to know anything about it. Now I feel those words are coming back to haunt me!!!
So, tell her you've changed your mind about this. You don't have to tell her you know what's going on right now. Just draw the line in the sand, and set a boundary. End of discussion, don't discuss it any further.
Unless, of course, you find this situation acceptable.
Quoting grislen:Maybe it is time for a 180 of not being so understanding and helpful.
Yup, I agree.
JJ
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KAW..ditto what Lee said...there has to be a point for all of us, sooner or later, when we have to let the other know that we can't go on the way things are any longer.I heard that for months..more in newcomers, that we will all know the right time. I know there seem to be so many "right times", but when we cool down and rationally sort out what we are truly working towards, they turn out not to be the time. When you can truly say from your heart and soul that you can't do anymore and you need to move on for yourself..we will probably all know it.
I don't have any pick me up words to say that can make it all go away..but know that I care and am thinking about you. I have confidence you are pretty level headed and will do what you have to do..especially for yourself and your kids.
I don't know if you remember me but you, Z, and Andy helped me through. I have been mostly lurking lately but your sitch caught my attention. I feel very bad for what your W is doing. She is not thinking clearly and is hurting everyone around her and the most. I believed my W lies for too long and snooped to find the "truth". I didn't want to be a "fool" anymore than you do. I struggle everyday wondering why is she still here. My W OM were not as "in your face" as yours but looking back the signs say it wasn't too much different. I am rambling but what I want to say is make sure she stays for love. I now believe I "forced" my W to stay and that was a mistake. The way I handled things isn't giving me a strong answer on what our R consists of. I question why I am still M to her almost daily. Why did I tolerate the lies and embarassment? I still don't know. The point is don't reveal your hand to get her to stay. Either keep quiet and use time to your advantage or tell her what you know and ask her what she would like you to do about it.
I snooped too and it leads to "knowing too much" and sacrificing our standards and morals to remain with our S. My snooping has caused me to not want my W and only my children are keeping me here (I am hoping my feelings will change soon.) We both have our entire families to consider in the equation not just ourselves. However, I will not completely sacrifice myself and my dignity for anyone. My writing is terrible today and I hope I am not confusing matters. You know what you can handle and where you want to be long term so just don't lose sight of that.
I stand by what I wrote earlier. I thought about expanding on it, but feeling like I was out of step with the rest of the posters (and the forum title for that matter) decided to keep quiet and hope for the better.
If you think my perspective would be beneficial, I'd be happy to share more of it.
(((KAW))) warm embrace I feel your pain, my friend.
Courage.
Whatever she does, you will be ok. You don't know this yet, but I know it. Your DB pals know it in our bones.
I have been EXACTLY where you are at. I froze when I read that you initially told her you accepted "don't ask, don't tell."
I did the EXACT same thing!
Then proceeded to DB like nobody's business all last year. Lingerie, look the other way, hey you-and-me-babe while you're here, no questions asked when you go away.
This was imperative foundation-laying.
That's what you've been doing. It's been a good thing.
But now, on that foundation, you may finally get to speak YOUR NEEDS. Maybe it is time.
Confront her.
(Or, well, when you're ready, think about it.)
I confronted my H with the evidence -- his emails. I took a beating for my breach of ethics -- spying. I took the blow when he said to my face "Yeah, I want another taste of world's foxiest chick, and she wants me too. We have a chance at romance."
Ouch.
So go. I'm not stopping ya.
Once again my H said "I quit" and moved out.
And the only reason he didn't slap me with D papers was ... hmmm? Well, he still hasn't. Wonder why not?
Maybe because all last year I showed him I'm amazing? I can change. I am not desperate, I have stopped clinging and trembling. I'm sexy and deep, silly and intellectual, musical AND goofy and magical. The one and only. Even at 40.
He sees this from his dingy brown building across town. So how does this adolescent chick, up-close and zitty, compare now?
Bridget is here to tell ya you can GET FREE of your attachment to your lovely but confused W. You can do it. Focus on your own magic and dreams.
Believe me, I've been through this trauma, my friend, and I know how gut-wrenching it is. I know the feeling of being knifed -- reading in his email how he longs for this luscious babe, how I am no longer attractive. No pain compares. (Of course, I've never had a leg amputated...)
You and I both know why we snooped -- to find an explanation for the hostile, hot-and-cold behavior. To make it real, to find out if there's hope, to look for some sign that they remember us.
Honestly, I'd do it again. It helps to know.
But you know what? You can't totally trust their words in their journals. My H panicked at what I read. He was desperate to explain that some of it was hyperbole. I do understand this. And so do you, or you wouldn't still be there.
Trust nothing of what they say (or write) and about 50% of what they do, remember?
Feelings are mutable.
Know that their longing/desire/fantasizing (and even the physical act with the OP) lives side by side with the wonderfulness of being bonded to the awesome KAW (the awesome Bridget). It's there. It'll always be there (buried though it be).
There is hope they will see us and love us again.
But now, in order for your W to value you, KAW, you may have to walk away. Give it some thought. It would be a MIGHTY 180, dude.
Sometimes ya gotta take big risks.
I love ya, I'm here for ya, and I need ya. Lots of us do. You won't be alone. We all think you can do it. Get free. Then watch and see what happens. You can't know what will happen. But you might just be amazed.
I may be quiet for a bit, but I am "listening" ... soaking it in and pondering. twilight zone, I want to hear all opinions, so go ahead ... speak your piece. I need you guys to help from getting lost. All of your advise is like drawing a road map which will help me lay out the route I choose to take ... and I want to thank you all for helping.
Tbone, ole' bud! I certainly do remember you. The feeling is mutual as you helped me out of some rough patches too. In fact, here's another one and here you are helping again ... Thanks. I'm really sorry to hear of the downturn in your sitch. Ever feel the need to air it out, give this bb a whirl again. I for one would like to hear the nitty gritty.
Bridget, your words are alway a great comfort. I just hope I can find the confidence you have found in knowing I'm doing the right thing ... what ever that may turn out to be?
Hey KAW. I'm sorry to hear about the latest vacillations with your W. Truly, I have little to add to what's already been said. I think you'll know what to do when the time presents itself, KAW. Stay strong and take care of you and your D.
I'm with everyone else. First, it's tough, and like everyone else, I feel for you.
The challenge is to present yourself in a better light. Listen, you're a champ. Don't let anyone tell you any differnt. DB and present yourself in a better light, by putting yourself in a better light. Improve yourself. Make yourself a challenge and go for the win! Do Right
