I'm taked aback by the amount to support here ... you guys are great!

Quoting lodtlove:
I would suggest you stop reading her journal as it is not productive for you...
In one of my earlier threads, I mentioned why I look at her journal when it is left out in the open. I do interpret it as a cry for help. She usually journals when she is deeply troubled. It started about eight years ago when I first snooped. She had left it on the bed. When I read it, she had laid out a plan to commit sucide and just was waiting for the right moment. She never talked to me about it, was acting "as-if" all was well, but wrote she was tired of leading the false life and wanted to end it all. I quickly took action and had her admitted in a hospital for two weeks, where they worked on getting her the proper medication and consultations. All was well then until my depression set in. After about a year with living with this but not confronting it, it started to affect her and drag her down again. She started leaving her journal out again last spring when she was in the midst of A and wanted out of M. I believe as a way to persuade me into wanting a D, but this time I never led on that I had read it. ... but reading it once I believe saved her life. After that, its hard to ignore when that book sits out in the open by the bed.

LL, the panic attacks started in the fall of 2001. In Nov. is when she dropped the bomb and told me about EA with OM. Coincidence? It also coincides with when her medication was switch to generic brands. She back on the original medication and increased dosages, but she still has the attacks fairly regularly. She can go 2-3 weeks between attacks or can go 3-4 days in a row of panic attacks. Usually they last 20-30 minutes and alot of them are caused by anxiety over worrying if one will happen again - a self-fulfilling prophecy. Most of the time, it does take me embracing her, holding me in her arm to calm her down in order for the attacks to cease.

Which leads into her dependance. Yes she sees her depression as a weakness. A weakness because she can't over come it herself. That others (doctors, therapists, friends, family and at one time me) are telling her what she has to do to get better. She's tired of people telling her what to do, so now she doesn't want to see anymore doctors. she stopped seeing her recent C after two sessions because she didn't like what she said.

Lotsa of suggestions about backing off. Last year, I learned to back off alot and still do. I no longer say anything about what she should do, pretaining to her medical conditions or any other aspect of her life now. Occasionally, I'll offer a recommendation and I stress that's all it is ... she can take it or leave it. Hell, if I feel the need to butt in with advise about somethin', I can just come here and do it! I no longer try to manage her medication. I use to remind her of things she needed to do in the course of the day or calls she would need to make, bills she needed to pay, etc... No more. I do truly butt out. When I see credit card statements with late fees, I literally bite my tongue and don't say anything, even tho it does bug the hell out me to waste money like that ... but I do let her handle her affairs now! (Please no jokes here!) Despite this, she still doesn't believe and I'm still trying to disperse that perception. The most recent being her wanting a Jeep and thinking I won't let her have one! Not true. I don't care what she wants to drive so long as we can pay for it!

Quoting Andy:
She simply wants to be her own person.
... and she has the right to be and been trying to get message thru to her, but then again "no man is an island" and on occasion do seek some one else to lean on and that should be OK, too. Her preceptions seem to swing to extremes (neither of which is healthy) instead of finding middle ground.

... but you are right, I think too much, trying to search for the solution(s) that will fix this, and I've got caught up in it. Why? Because of something she said one year ago, when she approach me about wanting to work on us again. She said, she got lost and asked me to promise to keep her from getting lost again. I naively said I would and now have been trying to live up to my promise and in vain. I reminded her of this promise a few weeks ago, hoping it would help draw her back. It had no effect.

Since this is turning out to be another longwinded post, I want to conclude with answering my question yesterday about what I was wondering I would come home to last night.

After getting home an hour late due being at the bank to extend a line of credit, I came home to my W napping. I accidently woke her up. She warmed up my dinner and stayed in the dining room with me as I ate. She turned into a perky little chatterbox for the entire evening relating every little detail about her day. I intently listened and validated. Then came bedtime. Another entire night of cuddling right up to the morning alarm. I think I can be happy just having that every nite!

Anyway, she went into the shower and I did it again! (I hadn't read any of your posts til I came in to work this morning) She wrote, she feels she has to say goodbye to OM, but each time she talks to him, her feeling for him get in the way. She went on with ... "I'm married to a wonderful, loving, caring man and all I can think about is cheating on him! I must be CRAZY!"

As strange as it may sound but I feel real good right now...

She's still got issues, but I'm wonderful!!

'til later,
KAW