Well, I'm still not sure how I can help, but I think you were asking about the respect thing... that was the hardest for me to understand myself. You have to remember back to when you were dating. Back when you realized that she had a life, and you hoped to be a part of it. See, what I realize is that she STILL has a life, and I am priviledged to be a part of it. I have no entitlements here, I am given the priviledge, by her, of being a part of her life, just like when we were dating.
I've noticed lately among "happily married couples" how they say things like "I must get home, or spouse will kill me". Actually, that kind of statement is pure macho bullshit. The truth is that they respect their spouses wishes that they come home, and they feel they must express something that shows their independence to their friends. But ultimately, they respect their spouse's wish that they come home at a reasonable time. RESPECT. An arrangement that works.
So, what I've learned from this kind of observation is that I must respect W's space... I must respect her decisions. Mostly, I must respect her right to make those decisions, whether I agree with those decisions or not. There are some things that are simply none of my business.
Now, you might think that because you are married to someone that the things they do ARE your business. And I support that assumption. But, if your spouse doesn't respect that assumption, you really only have 2 choices.... to respect your spouse's assumption, or to insist they respect yours. If you choose to insist, that's control. If you delude yourself into thinking you can control your spouse, you will set yourself up for much unhappiness. If you accept that you can only control yourself, you will understand that regardless of how your Spouse treats you, you have chosen to remain married. YOu are in control of your situation.
In my situation, I chose to stay married. I chose to leave her alone. I chose to respect her privacy even when she chose to disrespect all that there was about our marriage. Maybe I was a doormat, but I maintained my self respect, I stood for what I believed. I lived my life, I respected my vows, I held my family together.
I'm a handy guy. I fix things. I figure things out, I handle finances very well. Throughout our marriage, W has often referred to me as "My Hero" for the little things I do that make her life easier. I've not heard that proclation for years, since OM #1 appeared on the scene in late 2000. Today, I was proclaimed by W to be "My Hero" for the first time in years for some silly little thing I did. I wept, I asked for a hug and got it, and I rejoiced. I got this because I never stopped believing that it could happen, and I learned how important it was to respect my W, no matter what.
What she does is none of my business, truly. Unless she decides to include me.... to respect me by including me in her life. I find that by not insisting that she show her respect by including me that she does just that. So, by respecting her space, I'm included in it. But when I didn't respect her space, I was rejected. I came frightenly close to being permantly ejected.
This is all about respect. Love is all about respect. Marriage is a contract about respect.
