Look out for the landmines ... KABOOM!

[KAW]

Thanks for the support the little steps didn't last long.

Raining here for the third weekend in a row and the truck is still in the shop. The new starter installed disintergrate. Won't get it back until Tuesday, but hey I'm suppose to be listing three positive things, right.

- W called before I had left work said it was just the two of us. D9 was at a freinds house. Wanted me to bring home diner before we went to get truck. I told her the truck won't be ready. She exasperated, Now what do we do?! I told her I'd pick her up and take her out to dinner. Picked her up and asked where she would like to go. She replied, I don't care, just pick something. I had a taste for pasta and heard of a place the was suppose to be really good. One of those hole in the wall places, but they had an eggplant, veal and chicken parmesan with pasta. I hadn't had the combonation in at least ten years. The waiter took our order in a style that made the first impression scream out as "I'm gay". He complemented me on the choice of meals which ended with "Sweetheart", then patted me on the back when he walked away! I locked stares with my W and she just broke out laughing. Diner turned out great and very enjoyable after that. However, in order not to encourage the waiter, I only tipped the standard 20% despite the very friendly service.

- After diner we picked up W's Prozac after she had run out this morning.

- W had field day at school which meant running a BBQ outside as well as the kitchen inside. She was exhausted but did tell me all about her day. Afterwards, I gave her a backrub during which she fell asleep, then D9 came home.

Today has been a bit rougher so far. W woke up very quiet and distant again. Went out to sign D9 up for soccer next fall. W put her cell number on form rather than home number. My imagination just ran with that one!

Think I'll be attentively detached if there is such a thing.

Oh there's such a thing! In fact, I like the way you coined it. Its the approach I used last year and it did work! I had 9 months of happiness that would not have happened at all if it weren't for DBing and the delicate balance of being "attentively detached". In my sitch, it just doesn't seem to be enough and don't think it will work this go around.

I have drawn the conclusion, my W will not settle for being content in this M if she believes there is a greater happiness out there and if the odds are slim to obtain it, she seems willing to risk all she has now to persue it.

I can't stop it. I'm coming to terms in accepting it and if she makes that choice, then I'm going to have to make a new life for myself. To be honest here, if my W decides to leave, it will be the first time in my forty years that I will be living on my own! Last year that terrified me. Now, I starting to find it kinda intriguing altho its still a bit scary.

DoRight, I was guilty of taking my W for granted plus over the years I stopped doing the little things I use to do for her. Over the last year I discovered how much I miss doing those things. I don't want to stop. I'm deeply sadden now that my W isn't looking for me to give those things to her anymore. It tears at me to discover something that makes me happier, but no longer have someone to do it for. Like the backrub, she still accepts some of these things and I still enjoy doing them, but it is not the same knowing she is not accepting them in the spirit they are given and that she has no desire to appreciate them.

Hi, dude -- you sound good. You've got an awesome attitude -- and new conviction, sounds like to me.

I'm suprised to think I sound good. Much of the time, I feel I'm wallowing in sorrow. I want to pull myself out of it, but its a struggle right now.

Hey..some tiny steps happening...

Thanks Sue, but I think its more out of guilt. I think she know I'm hurting some, and that is why I distance. Makes her feel guilty and trys to console. Nothing more.

Well this is kinda ending on a low note, but it is how I feel today. Some how I need to find a way to get excited about striking out on my own, but its a desire I never had before.

'til later,
KAW