I know it's a bunch of psycho-babble, but perhaps she is drawn to OM because he is unavailable? I don't know, KAW, it's a difficult one. I do have to agree with JJ in that it might do you some good to pull back a bit. Not only will it likely do you some good, but who knows, maybe it will force your W to sort some things out on her own. It seems very clear you are the rock in your R, and she does lean on you for support. Maybe the rock needs to roll downhill a little?
I know you don't bring up certain issues with your W for a variety of reasons: how you used to overdo it in the past, reminding her about the guilt from her A, her depression, etc. But maybe it's time? Thing is, KAW, it takes two to actively work on a R and get things straightened out. I have this feeling from your posts and some of your other responses that you guys REALLY haven't dealt with the A...only in an ancillary way. You seem to hold back on telling her how you feel because you are concerned with the affect it may have on her, and frankly, are unsure whether it would do any good anyway. And when you try to talk to her, you allow her apprehension to govern whether the conversation continues. What about the affect it's having on you? What about the affect it's still having on her?
Heck, I don't know. This stuff is hard, dammit! Are there any things that maybe you could do differently to change the dynamic here? Another 180? Maybe backing off is the answer here and not trying to talk to her. I'm just trying to throw a few things out there...
Stay strong, my friend. You still are a DB Master. Just because your W has chosen to remain locked in her internal battles is not a reflection of your efforts. I wish I had something a bit more insightful to add...
