If you'd like to read my story follow the link above.
I'm in a tough situation here and could use some advice. My W has really begun to warm up to me since I began DB'ing. Things have been going well given our circumstances. Our communication has been great, we're spending more time together, and I think I sense a change of heart in her feelings for me. This began to come about because of a key thing I said to her that might be backfiring. I told her she can do what she needs to do to be happy and I'll be supportive. Pretty sure that gave her the OK to keep seeing OM.
We went on for several weeks feeling like we were making good progress with eachother but also knowing that she was still seeing OM. Last week I began to feel like OM was fading away and it made me very happy. Unfortunately, I found out she had gone to see him over the weekend and it hurt. I had a bad day Monday when I found out and sent her an e-mail saying that I would be willing to wait to work things out with her but it hurts me that she is still seeing OM. There was no anger or harsh words in the message just me trying to say you can't have your cake and eat it too.
Since I wrote that e-mail my W has backed off from me big time compared to where we were for the last few weeks. If you follow the link at the top of the page and read my story you will get more of a background on what's going on. Without it my story might be a bit confusing to follow.
I've read DR and am about halfway done with DB. The LRT worked great for us re-establishing our communication and at one point I thought we were moving forward from that stage. I really don't want to go back.
I would love to hear from anyone who has advice for me for what I can do here. My W and I are separated but communicating daily and she doesn't mind talking or meeting with me. I initiate most of the meetings but she has initiated a few of them herself. She doesn't mind being around me, in fact lately we've been having fun with eachother. This might have been because she was under the impression I was okay with her A. Ever since I've told her that continuing the A could push me away it seems like we're back to a somewhat uncomfortable R. I think it's because she thought my feelings for her were only plutonic and now she knows I still want to work on our M she doesn't want to give me false hope.
IMO, I would go back to DB'ing in a serious way. Wait for her to initiate the next contact and start over in a sense. You have been doing a beautiful job and being her friend and doing all of the things you have done have definately made her think about her actions. Just see this as a minor glitch and start again.
Nothing sucks more than knowing the one you love is out with their OP, trust me I feel your pain, but unless you have told her that you are unable to participate in any R/M as long as OM is in the picture, then she is operating on what you said and you said you would be supportive. If you can keep doing that, then definately keep doing what you have been, it seems to be working.
I had to tell my H that I would no longer be a part of R/M because his OW started texting me the other night and thats just not ok with me.
Keep up the good work and start back at the beginning, she was probably just scared and she is confused and guilty and all the stuff that goes with the A and any added pressure from you will drive her away.
Good luck!
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
Dazed, This is a classic scenario. You DB your butt off, and the WAS notices, and things get better between you, but the minute you pursue in any way, they run away with their tail between their legs and hide like frightened animals.
Grumpy is right, go back to DBing in a serious way. It was definitely working for you. You were communicating daily - GOOD. She initiated some of the communication - VERY GOOD. Spending more time together - GREAT! But give her a couple of days to think about what you said. All may not be lost. You've been talking more and enjoying each other's company so perhaps it's not a bad thing for her to know where your feelings lie. She may be thinking about what your text said, but also realizing that the two of you have been reconnecting too.
My W's actions are really confusing me... I just don't know what to do anymore. I've been DB'ing and it has worked great to get us communicating once again. We see eachother all the time and are even having little date nights. She doesn't talk about OM anymore ever. That led me to think it was nearing the end/over with him but I never asked her about that directly. Guess I was afraid of the answer. So the phone bill this morning affirms that she still has been talking to him a lot. But she's been hanging out with me a lot too. DB'ing got us to a better position in our R but hasn't done anything about OM. What do I do now? Is there a different approach I need to take?
W called me at lunch today to ask if she could come over and have lunch with me. I said she could and I even cooked her a nice lunch. I should see this as a positive sign, but I think she is using me to fill the hole in her life left by leaving me. In the meantime she is getting her more intimate needs met by OM. That really hurts me. Do I just need to cut her off from seeing me so she can see what it's like when I'm not there? When we first seperated that is what I did (after a short bout of me being a pathetic groveler) but she seemed so happy when we started hanging out again. Are we making true progress here or are we just going to be good friends? I've taken the 'be friends with my W while she figures things out' approach up until now, but she has been seeing OM for 5 months now and there is no sign of letting up. When do I say enough is enough? I felt like I've hit that point several times now but I always come back to wanting to work on our R again. I guess when I truly get to the point where I've let go then I won't care about our M anymore. I wish that's the way I felt right now... because DB'ing, while good at getting W and I to be friends again, just seems to be prolonging the hurt and the inevitible.
Should I just tell her I don't want to have anything to do with her until OM is gone. It will be painful to do but it's already pretty painful to be riding this rollercoaster of getting my hopes up and then having them stamped out. BTW-My W doesn't know that my emotions have been killing me through this whole process as I have put up a strong front. Maybe she thinks I don't care. I don't want to show her that side of my emotions because that hasn't been productive at all while we've been going through this.
If you can't tell... it has been another rough morning.
Would you say it's best to 'go dark' in this situation? I used the LRT to re-establish communication and it worked for that. Going dark seems like a step backward except this time she will remember me in a positive light.
I've genarally been good about not pursuing but last night I felt bad that she was home alone for St. Patrick's day so I invited her to come out with me and some friends. She declined but said we should get together for wine tonight. Is it best to go dark now and not do it. I have some mixed feelings about this. If I go dark then I stop the progress we've been making of getting closer to eachother again in it's tracks and she may see this as rude/insensitive, but it could be what is needed in this situation. If I keep on going like I have been then we will still be friends and doing things together while she is seeing OM, but I think this way if/when OM is gone she knows she has a caring and forgiving person to go back to.
I can only tell you what I did, and what worked for me. I told my wife that I had no intention of "sharing" her, or in living in a marriage with a third person. I insisted that she end it, and come back and work on our marriage and our issues, including the ones she had with me. I didn't put a time frame on it, but I did say that my patience wasn't indefinite.
I also told her that I wasn't going to be her "best friend" (we'd always been best friends) while she was having an affair, because "best friends" don't do that to each other. I was civil, and we carried on our business as parents caring for their children, but we didn't go on "dates" nor did I make any efforts to meet any of her emotional needs that weren't being filled by her boyfriend.
And I absolutely did everything I could to not enable her affair -- cut off her cellphone, stopped paying for Victoria's Secret, refused to lie to cover for her, even to our children and her parents.
Not everyone can pull this off, and only you know what is best for you. But I think it's reasonable to assume that if someone gets some of their needs met by their boyfriend, and the rest of their needs met by their husband, and both allow that to continue, then the wayward wife really doesn't need to make any hard choices or decisions.
There is nothing "rude" or "insensitive" about insisting that your wife respect her wedding vows. If anything, she will RESPECT you for it, as mine did, and told me later after she ended her affair.
You could definitely say that I'm enabling the A by not demanding that she drop it. What you're suggesting is a sraightforward and logical way to handle the situation. I don't think it will work for me though. My W has been big on 'discovering herself' and 'finding true happiness' through this separation. If I start making demands or cause any kind of conflict for that matter she will see me as someone who is standing in the way of her pursuit at this point in time. She has said she is seeing OM because he makes her feel good about herself, and while I never put my W down I also could have done much more to prop her up. Another reason why I think that continuing to do what I'm doing will work is because my W has always had good morals and is very intelligent. She knows what she is doing is wrong and it's a matter of time before it gets to her and she decides what she's going to do with her life. If I'm therre for her through this she will see that even in her darkest moments I still stood by her. When that sets in with her I think it will be a powerful benefit for me.
I think what puppy was saying was not telling her what she needs to do, but what YOU are refusing to do anymore, ie: having any sort of R with her while she has OM. This puts it on you, not her. You aren't forcing her hand and demanding she make a decision, you are simply saying that you are no longer willing to continue to have her cake and eat it too.
Its not easy, but I finally did it to and it was the best thing that I have done for ME so far.
As long as she is getting her needs met, she will be more than happy to continue this way of life. She has her best-friend in you and her OM for her physical needs, so she really doesn't have to over-think trying to make any decisions or changes in her life. She in a sense, has it all.
I'm certainly the last person to tell anyone else what to do as you know your sitch better than anyone, but getting that distance will help you to less highs and lows.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
