Hi, I just joined yesterday because my husband is having an affair and seems to think that he wants out of our marriage. All I`m getting so far is mixed signals. I`m reading the "Divorce Remedy" and can`t say how glad I am that I found that book. Right now I`m still trying to figure out all this website has to offer. My question: is there a place on here somewhere that offers names of counselors? I`m looking for a good one in the Atlanta area to whom to send my husband. He wants to go to get individual counseling, but of course he needs the right person. I can`t have anyone telling him to "follow his bliss because life is short" at this point. K.
Kathrin, Welcome to DB ... although part of me always hates saying that (none of us should be here!). It's great that you're reading DR. I also read many other books on infidelity. It helped a lot.
DB offers counseling but not couples or individual counseling. They do DB coaching. It sounds like you want a pro-marriage counselor. You're wise to think of that because some counselors are not! I can't make any recommendations, I'm not from your area. But perhaps you could ask family, friends, a pastor or people in church if you attend. If you come up empty there, do some research online. Many counselors have websites these days which give you a feel for them. I think you could probably also call to feel them out. Christian-based counseling is also an option, I'm sure they're pro-marriage.
That's great that you found "The Divorce Remedy" - Read it all the way through, and search through the extensive resources in this online community. There is so much here that has helped me immensely.
Maybe someone on these boards, from the Atlanta area could make a recommendation on an individual counselor, but getting a personal recommendation from someone you know in your area (or a friend of a friend) is a good way to find one. I don't think the DB site can make recommendations due to possible liability issues.
From what I've read over the past year here on DB, many persons have had much more success by attending a Retrouvaille weekend, than compared with marriage counseling or individual counseling for months and months. You can learn more here: http://www.helpourmarriage.com/ It looks like Atlanta has some upcoming weekends in May and July.
Your fear of having a counselor tell your husband to "follow his bliss" is well founded. In my situation, my wife's accupuncturist recommended an IC to her in Nov 2006. I thought it was a good idea for her to see a counselor, because I knew she had struggled with self-esteem issues for most of her life. However, I did not know she had been developing a two-month old emotional affair via the internet at the time. It turns out that in their very first session, my wife told the IC about the other man and how they were thinking of meeting in NYC, and her counselor thought "it would be a good idea for them to meet, because it would bring them to a place of reality instead of fantasy" - WTF! I found this out months later when I got access to her e-mails for a few weeks and read through their e-courtship. But I knew snooping was not good for my mental health, so I gave that up nine months ago. Unfortunately, I believe their affair has continued.
One of the hardest things to for me to come to terms with, is that I cannot control what my wife chooses to do, and I cannot control who she seeks advice from. She has consistently sought and received advice and support from friends and relatives who have been divorced, or some friends who have had affairs. She has elected to not seek counseling with our church's pastors, or to get insight from friends who worked through marital difficulties.
If your husband is willing to go to an individual counselor, maybe he would be willing to attend a Retrouvaille weekend, and maybe you might find a Solution-oriented Brief Therapy counselor you could both see together.
Best wishes to you,
LG
Me 46 WAW 45 M 21 yrs
WAW: "I need to be alone" 12/06 W moves out 3/07 Mediation finalized 08/08
Our situation is a bit complicated. 5 months ago my H started a new job in Atlanta. We agreed that it would be best for me to stay behind to sell our house in Charleston, SC. We did have a loving marriage, even though it often was not easy because I contracted Lyme 9 years ago. I`m doing ok now, but have been through terrible times and need antibiotics constantly. About 2 months ago he started an affair with an eight year older co-worker, it`s all very bizarre. After he confessed 5 weeks ago the affair did not end, just the opposite. I know that they want to quit seeing each other, but more to not endanger their jobs than anything else. I have decided to wait it out and what I`m doing right now is a mix between a 180 and last resort. I`m going to schedule a coaching session asap. He comes home every weekend, calls every day he`s not here and gave me RED roses for our anniversary 14 days ago. That`s what I mean with mixed signals. He is polite, but distant. I have snooped and found emails the other woman sent him, where she writes that she loves him and hopes for a future together. What crap, how can you love somebody you don`t know? The way she sees him is not how he is at all, and I told him so. Of course I tried to reason with him, did not help, but that was before I read DR. Now I keep my mouth shut and wait and see. after what I read here it won`t help to go to couples counseling at this point, just the opposite. He wants out, I want to continue and it would just antagonize him further. Sounds logic and I`m glad I did not push the issue. He wants individual counseling though.
